


Gone too soon

by the_empty_pen



Category: Pandora Hearts
Genre: Angst, Bonding, F/M, Fluff, adopting a kid, after the plot, classical found family, slowburn, taking care of a kid (on accident), the major character death is at the very end
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-03
Updated: 2020-05-15
Packaged: 2020-07-30 13:09:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 20
Words: 57,626
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20097730
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_empty_pen/pseuds/the_empty_pen
Summary: Four years after preventing a new tragedy, Gilbert finds an eight-years old girl in a dark alleyway and - thinking of how he and Vincent had lived on the streets for years - ultimately takes her in.Lottie and the rest of the Baskervilles aren't too happy about this at first, but get used to it slowly - until Gilbert finally finds the family he wants to spend the coming ninety-six years with.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Hello and welcome to the first chapter of my fanfiction 'Gone too soon'!  
I'm very glad if you actually clicked on this and are willing to read it, because I'm really putting my all into this story, even though I came up with it at like... midnight instead of going to sleep and now it's twenty chapters. Ah yeah, the common writer problems, huh? xD  
Some points I'd like you to read:  
-if u have any triggers, go ahead and ask me on https://the-empty-pen.tumblr.com/ (my writing blog which I barely use but hey! This is what it's for) or in the comments and I'll look if they appear and tag them in case (because I have weird enough triggers to know how unusual they can be xD)  
-I'm not a native english speaker, so if u find mistakes pls point them out, I beg u!!  
-if u have any criticism, I'm always open for it! I'd just like to have an example about what I did wrong/sounds wrong and a tip going with it :D because otherwise I won't be able to do too much with the criticism xD  
Thanks in advance for respecting those points!
> 
> Then another few things I'd like to state concerning the story itself:  
U have probably seen the pairings in the tags, most of them are based either on canon, the guides or headcanons. Just a quick explanation:  
Lottie/Fang: Jun mentioned it in one of the guides and that Fang was in love with her. It's been a few years since I've read them, so correct me if I'm wrong xD  
one-sided Sharon/Break: Taken from her blushes and the rather weird Q&A, I know not everyone likes the pairing, but it's really barely even mentioned ^^  
Elliot/Leo: (I want to say taken from canon but ahahah damn) u know they just. seem like boyfriends. that's it. I can't live without them.  
Ada/Gil: was mentioned and/or teasered a few times in omakes and the manga itself, so I just went with it  
Ada/Vincent: does this even need words? I don't think it does, tbh xD
> 
> Thanks for reading those really long notes, but I just wanted to clarifiy those points ^^ if u have other questions, blog or comments :D 
> 
> Have fun reading!!
> 
> PS.: I know it may seem fluffy and the angst tag is honestly mostly because this is Pandora hearts and how does someone un-angst Pandora Hearts without an AU? If u know a way, tell me xD

> Hey there now,  
Where’d you go?

### 

Prologue

### 

> Dear xxx,

Rain.  
Just like fourteen years ago.  
It wasn’t a full-on thunderstorm – actually it were just a few raindrops, dropping onto the now slightly wet pavement, making the leaves of the trees rustle just a bit.  
It was nothing compared to the storm that had been going on when he had stabbed his best friend and helped said friend’s father to cast him into Abyss-  
“Gilbert!”  
He knew that it had been Doldy who had controlled him, but he had never really forgiven himself for it. Without him, this disaster wouldn’t have happened. Nothing would have gone according to Jack’s plan since Oz wouldn’t have met Alice and signed that contract with her.  
Those thoughts were stupid, and he knew it himself. After all, they had met new people and made new friends, but Oz, the most important person he had ever met, was lost.  
“Gilbert, come on, you’re spacing out again. We’re almost arriving anyways! Aren’t you excited at all to see Reim and Sharon and Lily? I’ve really missed them. And now that they’re married, they have enough political stuff to handle and… god I’m so glad I don’t have to deal with normal human stuff.”  
Gilbert just looked at Lottie, not really knowing how to respond.  
He couldn’t really be honest to her and admit that he, indeed, wasn’t _too_ keen on visiting them.  
Of course, he liked Reim and Sharon. They had gone through a lot together and were one of the few survivors of the failed repetition of the tragedy of Sablier, but he also had started to hate seeing… happy people.  
Sharon and Reim probably weren’t the best example for happy people; both of them hadn’t gotten over Break yet and Gilbert was well aware of that fact which was probably overshadowing the otherwise happy parts of their relationship and new-found family with Lily.  
“Yeah, I just… got distracted. Sorry.”  
“That, my dear Gilbert, I noticed”, Lottie laughed and shouldered her bag.  
The carriage came to a halt.  
Everything in Gilbert’s body screamed to just stay in this very carriage and ask the coachman to drive him right back to the Nightray manor, but he forced himself to stand up and follow Lottie through the rather big garden of the Rainsworth manor.  
The silence between the two of them was awkward, but Gilbert didn’t know how to break it.  
He had known Lottie for more than half of his life time. Surely, they hadn’t really interacted before the tragedy of Sablier had happened, but they had worked together with Doug and Glen for four whole years by now and really, this silence shouldn’t be there.  
Or at least it shouldn’t be that awkward.  
“Lottie!”  
Gilbert immediately recognized the voice of the girl running towards them.  
She had grown a lot taller – back then she had barely reached Sharon’s shoulders; now she was already a few centimeters taller than her. On top of that, she had grown out of all her dresses once again.  
Lily jumped at Lottie who had quite a problem to not fall to the ground.  
Gilbert had the strong feeling that Lily hadn’t quite gotten used to her height even though she was growing like any normal human would – for now that was.  
He still had to smile at the two of them being so happy to see each other, just to curse it in the next moment once again.  
It wasn’t as if he was particularly angry at them; the anger was more or less directed at himself, for feeling bad that others were happy, simply because he was jealous.  
That had always been one of his weaknesses. Four years ago, he had been jealous of Alice like that. He didn’t even remember how often he had complained to Break about how angry he was that she was ‘stealing his master’ and now this jealousy had spread to… everyone around him.  
“Lily, you’ve grown again, haven’t you?”, Lottie raised the bag in her hand and grinned, “I hope the dresses fit.”  
Part of Gilbert was happy for Lily getting new dresses because she always loved them, another part of him was really concerned about her getting too spoilt by Sharon and Lottie at once.  
“Oooh, you’ve brought dresses? That’s great! Anyways, come in, Sharon and Reim have prepared dinner already! And I bet Sharon will get angry again if you’re or… especially if I’m late. Oh, hi Gilbert! Haven’t noticed you, sorry!”  
The girl jumped over to him and shook his hand.  
Maybe it had been good to go with Lottie after all. Sure, seeing all those happy people didn’t cheer him up, but maybe, just a little bit… it did after all.  
“It’s ok. Now let’s get in before Sharon really gets angry. I still recall… the treatment of Break after not treating her like he was supposed to be.”  
Lottie raised her eyebrow, obviously not knowing what Gilbert was talking about, but Lily started to grin.  
“Oh yeah. Her harisen. She’s put it down by now, though. I’m very glad about that.”

Gilbert hadn’t even tried to count how many glasses of wine Reim and Lottie had drunk by now.  
He himself had refrained from doing so, since he knew exactly what would happen if he did and he wasn’t up to being the talk of the Baskervilles for at least a week again – in the last four years, this had occurred often enough.  
“Oh, god Reim”, Lottie suddenly started, her cheeks slightly red.  
Her voice was still clear and so were her gestures, but she was definitely laughing more and talking with less inhibitions; the topics Lottie chose when drunk weren’t always the best, though.  
“Hm?”, he said, definitely the most sober one of them all – together with Gibert and Lily.  
“I still remember when I first really talked with you. That must have been… shortly before we travelled back in time, right?”  
Gilbert silently acknowledged that Lottie didn’t mention how Break had died then.  
Some topics didn’t need to be talked about every single day.  
Especially not death. Gilbert knew for a fact that everyone was still holding Break and all the other victims of Jack Vessalius’ tragedy in best memory.  
“Ah… no, I think it was still right in Sablier when I told you to stop fighting us. What about it?”  
“You already were so in love with Sharon back then! It was so cute! And you must have totally impressed her by that speech you gave! Although you did look a little bit pathetic, standing in front of us without a chain.”  
Gilbert didn’t really know whether he should laugh at the image of a trembling Reim standing in front of three Baskervilles who had Chains for fighting, or whether he should wonder, once again, how he had not noticed people being in love.  
He decided for the latter one.  
“Reim already… was in love with her back then? Wait, wait, was that really the case or are you fooling me again?”  
Lottie turned around to him very slowly, as if to emphasize how aghast she was.  
Gilbert and Lottie had had many conversations concerning the topic of love and how oblivious Gilbert was to it; most of the time they had spoken about Ada and Vincent.  
“Why exactly do you still think I’d lie to you?”  
Gilbert didn’t notice the tone of Lottie’s voice, that slight edge that sounded truly… as if she was in _pain_.  
“Uhm… no, it’s like… I’m more shocked at myself, kind of…”  
“Reim proposed to me when I was a kid, Gilbert. It was obvious to anyone, but to you”, Sharon interrupted, and Gilbert was glad about it, even breathed out audibly that this awkward tension between him and Lottie was gone just because of that woman.  
He had to admit it – Sharon was simply a very observant person and that had already helped him lots of times, hurt him lots of times.  
“Oh”, he breathed out, “uhm… I guess I… should pay a little more attention to my surroundings, I mean-“  
Lottie moaned out, burying her face in her hands, then grabbing the glass of wine and downing it in one go.   
“Lottie-“  
“Yes, Gilbert, you should definitely pay a tiny bit more attention to the people around you. But you are forgiven. That’s just who you are, I guess”, she snickered and stood up, “sorry Lily, I’m tired, I’m going home for now. If Gilbert does get drunk in the end… don’t send for me. Keep him. I’m not in the mood for him screaming at my poor plant again.”  
“Hey, that was not… intentional!”, Gilbert complained and heard Lily and Reim start to laugh behind him, “I was just… the plant uhm… said bad things!”  
Reim’s quiet laughter suddenly turned into full-on, loud, wholehearted laughter.  
“Gilbert…”, he started, but his sentence was a bit broken by chuckles, “I’m really glad that you are one of the few people who still really stayed who they are. Thank you… for this.”

It was shortly before midnight when Gilbert finally decided to go home.  
At first, he had thought about going home with Lottie, but Sharon, Reim and Lily had made him stay since he hadn’t visited in some time – to be exact, the last time he had seen them was at their marriage, and there had been so many people that they hadn’t spoken too much.  
As soon as he slumped onto the seat of the carriage, he noticed how heavy the rain had actually become by now.  
Just like it had been at the coming-of-age ceremony.  
It was splattering against the streets and the carriage by now, resounding in his ears caused by the sheer noise of it, the wind had become strong enough to rip the leaves off the trees now, truly making the new fall begin now.  
A fourth fall without Oz and Alice.  
_Ninety-six_ falls without them, still.  
Gilbert shifted in the seat, close enough to look out of the window.  
It really felt just like fourteen years ago.  
This time, however, there were no strings making him hurt his best friend, no curse inflicted on his left arm anymore.  
A slight smile came onto his face at the memory of Oz repeating the word idiot over and over again just because he had decided to burn off his arm, an egoistic act so that his own heart wouldn’t be hurt another time; so that the person the most precious to him wouldn’t make him feel this pain again.  
Maybe it hadn’t been that egoistic after all; he hadn’t decided on an answer for that one yet.  
The carriage passed more houses, more alleyways that Gilbert had most probably strolled along before, when he had tried to forget how long he would still have to wait, when he had gotten lost because he had thought that Oz or Alice had been there, walking, shouting for him to follow; he couldn’t be more than absolutely glad that those illusions had stopped after just some months.  
They reached a crossroad and had to stop because of another carriage coming from the left.  
And there was something that caught Gilbert’s attention.  
A bundle of clothes and hair, cowering just in one of those sketchy alleys that he himself had always lived in as a child, with his brother, when they were still being beaten up simply for Vincent having a red eye-  
“Don’t drive any further!”, he yelled, hoping that the driver would be able to hear him.  
He didn’t know just why he had done that.  
_Why_ had he said this?  
_Why_ did part of him think this was a good idea _at all_?  
He grabbed his jacket and left the carriage, his right hand trembling, breathing going harder than normal.  
This would end in a disaster.  
“Mister, what is wrong?”  
He flinched at how similar the figure looked to Vincent, the skinny legs sticking out of the dirty clothes, the hair dirtied by the dust on the paving, wet because of the rain.  
Maybe those were instincts from his early childhood, screaming at him to protect this child simply because he had always done the same before.  
But maybe, maybe it was this… part inside of him wanting to be needed.  
“There’s a child on the street.”  
“It is probably just a beggar. No need to be concerned like this.”  
And at the coachman’s words, the condescending ‘_it_’, he snapped; it was like a string had been cut with a pair of scissors that truly brought him back to reality.  
“I don’t care. You may leave. I’m taking care of the child, no matter whether they’re a beggar or not. It doesn’t matter. People… like you… don’t know how it is to live on the streets and be cold and hungry and alone.”  
But he knew.  
He knew how hard it was, knew what could and someday inevitably would happen to the child, knew how it felt to be beaten up and used like some kind of doll for purposes that were simply disgusting and made him want to vomit.  
After reluctantly giving the coachmen money, Gilbert walked into the dark, rainy alleyway.


	2. Chapter 1

> You left me here  
So unexpected

### 

Chapter 1

### 

> It's been a few years.

As soon as he arrived at the small, way too skinny kid, he knelt down onto the wet floor.

The rain was quickly soaking the clothes covering his back and his knees, as well as his hair, but he just didn’t care about it one single bit in that moment.  
He brought his hand to his mouth to pull off the glove as quickly as possible so that he could properly feel her pulse.  
He had only been able to judge her gender by the long, dark brown hair covering her face in sticky strands, thinned out by the water, clutching onto the skin.

He brought his index and middle finger to the point between throat and neck, only to be left with devastating thoughts of how she could already be dead or even worse, die right in his arms when he was just about to save her.  
It only took a few seconds for those thoughts to vanish when he felt her slow, but steady pulse beneath the skin.  
Good.

She was _alive_. So far, this was enough for him. She was alive; everything that counted.

For a moment he wondered whether Jack had asked himself the same thing when finding them, just to remember that this man had been too broken to judge his own feelings – not that he was any different, really.  
Those days, it had become hard to tell apart whether he felt sad or angry, whether he felt jealous or was happy just for once.  
Oz would probably slap him for those thoughts and he was well aware of it. He would come over, give him one soft slap against the cheek and tell him that he would always be able to catch him just when Gilbert needed it.

It wasn’t the case.  
Oz was _gone_.  
It was time he learned to pull himself out of this pit.

He put the jacket which he had previously laid down onto his legs to her body and wrapped her up in it as best as he could, then he took the two sleeves and knotted them together.

Knotting things with one hand was something Lottie had taught him just a few weeks after living in one house with him. He had desperately tried to make a knot and a ribbon out of string, around Leo’s birthday present, but it had ended with him almost kicking the plant next to him.  
He had felt terribly useless and stupid for not being able to do such a simple thing.  
Lottie had heard the angered scream and had entered his room, just to laugh at how worked up he was getting over a simple thing like this, after which she explained how to do it.  
Gilbert had asked why she was able to do it, until he noticed himself that Lottie wore wristbands made by Lily or Doug all the time and she obviously had to knot them together.  
He had felt even more stupid and useless afterwards because of how angry he had gotten.

“Good”, he sighed out loud, “and how am I supposed to carry you with one arm, exactly?”

Lottie wasn’t here.  
That was something he had to figure out himself now.

He heaved her onto her legs first, to get a better grip on her; somehow he was afraid that he would drop her somewhere along the way and hurt her just like he had hurt Vincent and Oz without intending to do so-

This was definitely not the time to get caught up in thoughts like those. He had to save a human being.  
It took quite a while until he was properly holding her, thin arms dangling next to his own arm, head lulling back and forth on his shoulder.  
It was the best he was able to do for now.  
Gilbert stood up, his legs shaking.  
He only realized now how exhausted all of this was making him – and this wasn’t physical exhaustion, it was exhaustion caused by worrying over some stranger kid in a dark alley in Réveille and about how she might die.

He wouldn’t be able to deal with someone else dying on him – first it had been Oswald, then Alice and Oz and he couldn’t get around to not blame himself for Elliot’s death, too.

Sometimes, at night or in the early morning when he himself wasn’t feeling good and went to the kitchen to cook or bake or make breakfast, he stopped by Leo’s room just to listen to the quietly sobbed name, reassuring him that he wasn’t the only one suffering.

None of this mattered now, he kept telling himself, there’s someone who you can help now.

The walk to the Nightray mansion seemed way longer than it normally did when he was shopping in the city, but he was more than willing to take it.  
He didn’t know her name or her age or her origin, but he did know how devastating it was to see the world from below, sitting on cold paving stones, hoping that people would leave a coin or two out of pity, hoping that someone would come and either kill or save you instead of making you suffer even more.

She wasn’t moving, nor was she waking up, even though he was sure that being carried in one arm was not the most stable position to be in and it worried him.  
Her pulse had been there.  
But what if it was going to fade out?

Gritting his teeth, he walked faster, not quite running, but definitely being close to it.  
What she needed now was a warm bed and a warm house with a roof and, as soon as she woke up, warm food.

“Listen”, he whispered, hoping that nobody else was in the streets, thinking that he was talking to himself, “you’re someone who won’t die on me, ok? You just have to stay strong for now. We’ll be home soon, I promise. I’ll wrap you up in some blankets and you will sleep and then you will wake up and be fine, except for a cold, maybe.”

He felt stupid, so incredibly stupid for only thinking that a person wouldn’t suffer by being with him for once, felt so unbelievably stupid just because he was worried.  
The cold pavement stones were changing to the way smaller pebbles which were scattered all along the way to the mansion.  
He had walked this way often enough since being taken in by the Nightrays – if someone blindfolded him, he could still do it.

Never before had he been more glad than in this moment that he had proposed to take the Nightray manor as the head quarters for the Baskervilles since it belonged to him and Vincent anyways; Leo had agreed, since they could not possibly operate in Sablier after everything that had happened in this city.  
In Réveille, they hadn’t lost anyone.  
In Sablier, they had lost Break and Oz and Alice, Oswald and Lacie, in Sablier, Leo had formed the contract with Humpty Dumpty in Elliot’s place to let him live for a few more months.  
Nobody of them would have been able to live in a city that had taken the life of so many people, but in the Nightray manor, only Elliot’s brothers had died.  
Gilbert _did_ feel guilty about those feelings of his, but he couldn’t care less about Fred and Ernest. They had never accepted Vincent or himself, nor had they accepted Elliot’s wish to have Leo – a friend – as his valet.

“We’re there soon, ok? You can have my bed. I don’t think I’m going to sleep tonight anyways. And if I do, I still have the sofa. But I really doubt it. I’ll… be way too worried for that.”  
Gilbert wasn’t one to easily admit feelings like those (and really, later on, he probably wouldn't anymore) if it wasn’t to someone he trusted like Oz, or someone who needed to hear it at their worst, like Vincent.

Vincent.

Gilbert could only guess where that idiot was now. He had said that he was going to visit Rufus Barma’s country and travel around for a bit, do sightseeing, maybe even look for a job for some time.  
It had already been one year since he had left and Gilbert had to tell Ada that he was dead.  
God, she had not believed him and he was aware of that. Ada, however, had just cried a little and smiled, as if it was ok.  
A part of Gilbert had always admired her for becoming such a strong woman. And he couldn’t deny that he did have a thing for her in the past, but that was long ago. Oz had always teased him about it.

The pebbles below his shoes were making crunching sounds, reminding him of what really was important now.

“Maybe we can find your parents in the morning”, he added, finally seeing the Nightray manor more clearly now, despite the darkness and the rain and the bit of fog which was starting to linger between the trees and houses now.

Really, he was wondering what Vincent was doing right now. Was he out partying? With girls? Was he thinking of Ada and what she had done for him? Was he thinking of Elliot?

“You remind me way too much of my brother to leave you in those streets, kid.”

Suddenly, he thought that her hand that was hitting his arm from time to time gripped it for a short moment, but that was probably also one of his hallucinations.

He was more than glad when he arrived at the door. He set the kid down onto the dry, but cool stone floor.  
Otherwise, he wouldn’t really be able to open the door anyways.  
The others were sleeping, Gilbert reminded himself, he probably shouldn’t wake them up at this time, so he should probably try to be quiet.

“Good. Here we are.”

He picked her up again, now looking a little closer at her. Her mouth was opened a bit, her chest was still rising and falling, proving that she was alive and hadn’t died.

Had he saved someone?  
Had Gilbert really _saved_ someone?

As soon as he walked through the door, he noticed how actually cold it had been outside. His hand started hurting because of the warmth that was now seeping through his skin and his clothes.

God, how long had she been in the cold?

He closed the door mainly with his elbow, then made his way up the stairs to his room.  
It was still the same room he was in.  
The same room Elliot had always come into, after making the contract with Raven, after complaining about his brothers because they wouldn’t accept his decision to have Leo as his valet.  
Just the memory of it broke Gilbert a little bit more.

Seeing Oz and Alice again was simply a utopic thought. He wouldn’t even like to think about seeing Elliot ever again, with the thought in mind that, when he did, Leo’s conscience would long be buried within the one of another Glen.  
Leo and Elliot had probably been as fond of each other as he and Oz and Alice had been.  
That was visible even to him.

“It’s warmer here, isn’t it? You’ll be ok, really. Don’t worry. I’ll put you into warm clothes and a warm bed in just a few minutes.”

Just when he reached his room, he felt her move, just a little bit for real now, her head bumping into his shoulder.

“Where…”, she breathed out, a whisper of a weak voice that had experienced far too much for her age. 

Even her voice sounded like Vincent.

“Somewhere safe. Don’t worry. It’s going to be fine. You need to rest now.”

Her head had already sunk onto his arm again, lulling back and forth just like before.

“Yes”, he repeated, a smile almost touching his lips, “you really need to rest.”

Lottie was in the room Leo had originally lived in, which was right next to his. For a moment, he reflected whether it would make sense to wake her up and get her to help, since she still had two arms and was a woman, but he immediately forgot about the idea. She was probably already asleep. There was no way he could just go and knock on her door like a little kid after a nightmare.  
He would be able to take care of her for this night. He could still ask Lottie for it in the morning.

It took Gilbert quite a few moments to decide where he was supposed to set her down, because her clothes were wet and the bed was supposed to be dry.  
The sofa. Only he would maybe sleep on that one, so it was probably the best decision.  
Dry clothes. His shirts would be way too big for her tiny body, but they would still be better than nothing – if he had only listened to Lottie for once about where she had stored Lily’s old clothes. It would really be useful now.

He opened his wardrobe and sighed. There were way too many clothes he didn’t even wear. He flipped through the different shirts and pants in the hope to find something usable and in the mess that was the right side of his wardrobe where he stored things that he really, really wouldn’t wear anymore, he found… Alice’s shirt.

He frowned.

Alice had not even been in this room, so how had her shirt made it all the way here? Someday, while doing the laundry, it had probably been caught in another shirt or a pair of pants or he just hadn’t paid any attention to it at all.  
Really, even after her not being here anymore, she was still everywhere possible.

“Better than nothing, stupid rabbit”, he murmured, not being able to stop the tiny smile on his face from happening now.

She had been stupid, but she had _not_ been a rabbit.

He walked back to the sofa she was lying on and changed her shirt with Alice’s shirt, then got a towel to dry her hair a bit at least. 

Drying hair was also something one would think was not going to be much harder with only one hand. Gilbert had found out how terribly long it did take though.   
And her hair was much longer than his. 

“Good that I don’t have a child”, he muttered to himself.

He wished that his parents would have thought the same and just stayed without children.  
He had just been kicked out with Vincent because of his brother’s red eyes at a way too young age to be kicked around like this girl too, probably.

Gilbert began rubbing her head with the towel in the desperate hope to just get it dry in some minutes so that he would be able to put her into the bed so that she could properly rest and sleep.  
He wasn’t even sure if she was sleeping or faded out by hunger, thirst or the cold and it made him somewhat angry at this stupid world that thought it could beat up children just how it wanted.

What did the Jurys even think of that story? Why did they let it continue in the end? Yes, Oswald had made it interesting to them again.  
Oz and Leo surely had, too.  
But why did they need to let a girl like her suffer?

The colour of her hair got lighter and lighter when he rubbed the towel against it more thoroughly. He would have guessed that it was almost black at first, but it was a dark brown, almost looking like coffee beans.

It was unfair, he eventually decided, the Jurys looking onto this world were unfair to not let anyone be truly happy without waking up because of nightmares every night, dreams about the past that haunted them, dreams about being hit and used and spit at.

Maybe there was another reason why she had been lying on the street. Maybe she had run away from home on her own like Lacie had, because of an argument with her parents or something.  
If that was the case, he would try to find them with her and maybe talk to them.

Stupid.

What was he supposed to talk about to parents? What did he even know about parenting? Nothing. He hadn’t had good parents, neither was he a father himself.

No.

He would just say that he had found her and wanted to bring her back for obvious reasons.  
That would do.

“Good, your hair is at least a little drier now. Let’s get you into bed and then find someone from your family tomorrow. I’m tired myself, I really need some sleep too.”

Gilbert pulled back the blanket, then got the girl and slowly put her down onto the mattress. Her cheeks were slightly pink now, which definitely was a good sign. With her hair not clinging to her anymore and a dry shirt, she also didn’t look that terribly fragile anymore. Still too skinny, but not as if she would break apart by being touched.

That would do for now.

Gilbert himself then sat down onto the sofa.  
He was tired, but he did not sleep this night.  
In theory, he knew that it was because he was worried; but he wouldn’t admit it for now.


	3. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here u go with chapter 2! featuring angsty Leo (I'm sorry but him being totally happy would simply be unrealistic...) and awkward Gil though he is always awkward. Not really news, then.  
Enjoy!!

> You changed my life  
I hope you know. Cause now I'm lost, so unprotected.

### 

Chapter 2

### 

> I hope you can read this letter if I put it onto your grave.

At first, Gilbert didn’t really hear the knock on his door; his thoughts about whether he should put a carrot into the soup or not were simply more important right now.  
Of course, his room shouldn’t have had a herd. It hadn’t been planned to have one. But everyone of them had known how Gilbert always used to cook or to bake when upset, so they made this change in the house over which Gilbert was still more than glad about.

When it became a lot louder and a lot angrier though, he did answer. 

“Yes?”, he said, pouring some noodles into the water. He personally hadn’t ever gotten why people only ate soup broth. It didn’t satisfy his hunger at all. Yes, it may taste good, but it wasn’t what he would call _stilling_ hunger.

The person who entered was a very annoyed Leo, only sporadically having put on his clothes. His tie was crooked like it had used to be when Elliot had still been alive – before he had become Glen.

Gilbert had always considered Leo to be some kind of… brother to him, just like Elliot had been. Of course, he was technically his master, but he had burned the vow to the Baskervilles along with his arm, so really, he still considered Leo a younger brother.  
Leo, however, would probably start screaming and kicking him if Gilbert ever were to say those thoughts out loud.

Really though, Leo did have some kind of a growth spurt as soon as he hit the age of seventeen, which was merely half a year after all the events. Leo had always been about the same height as Lottie, Gilbert remembered, but now he was definitely a little bit taller than Elliot had been – part of him wanted to know how Elliot would have reacted to the fact of his servant growing taller than him  
His voice had also gone deep; not nearly as deep as Gilbert’s or Reim’s, but still deeper.

“Leo?”

Leo yawned, covering his hand with a mouth.

“I woke up to the smell of goddamn soup coming from your room at seven in the morning, Gilbert. And that is because your window is opened and my window was opened, too. So now my room is the Antarctic and _on top of that_, smells like vegetable broth. Thank you for this one. I know, I know, cooking is your coping mechanism. But at this time I’d like you to take the kitchen downstairs just so… my room doesn’t smell like this first of in the morning!”

Leo’s gaze started wandering around the room only now and Gilbert noticed only now that the girl was still in his bed and part of him feared what Leo would think.

“Gilbert.”

His voice was quiet. Kind of… threatening. Which actually worked with his voice by now and with his height also. Really, he was almost reaching Gilbert’s eyes.

“Do you have any explanation for this… that makes sense or should I just assume that this was one of your strange whims you sometimes have? I’ll not question you any further if that’s the case. Just make sure she gets home.”

Gilbert almost dropped the spoon into the soup with which he was stirring it. He grabbed it in the last moment, burning his hand a little with the hot steam slowly filling his room.

“What do you mean by ‘whim’?”, he asked eventually, after catching his breath.

He had never been good at social interaction. Especially not when being under a judging gaze like this one.

“I don’t know. You already brought a flea-pelted cat with you one day. A cat on top of that! Weren’t you the one with that terrible phobia of cats?”

Gilbert only dimly remembered this dark, dark day of his life.  
It must have about one year ago when he had gotten drunk to the point of being hangover for three whole days after.  
He had probably thought that this cat had been a dog, even though it had clearly started scratching him up which a dog wasn’t really able to do since their claws naturally weren’t as sharp as a cat’s.  
A thing he did remember was him telling Leo ‘hehe, I wanted to save it, master’ and the ultimately disgusted gaze he received in return.

He felt himself shivering.

“Yes, but I promise you that I didn’t drink anything yesterday. Listen. Lottie – _what are you grinning like this_ – so, Lottie went home earlier because of headache or something.”

“I’m sure you were the one to give her that headache”, Leo sighed, closing the door as quietly as he could, then leaning against it.

“Huh?”

“Ah, forget it. Just go on. Your explanation better be good, man.”

Gilbert noticed once again that Leo did indeed talk like a normal guy at the age of twenty would – rebellious against everyone and everything.  
Not that he himself had been any different those eight years ago.

“Ok, whatever. So like, I went home at about midnight. In a carriage. And I was looking out the window. And there I saw her lying in one of those streets, so I eventually told the driver to stop. I didn’t want her to die, you know? I couldn’t have born with someone else dying on me, Leo. If I can only save one single person, I’d just…”

Just what? Be _happier_?  
He knew fully well this would not be the case.  
He had shot his best friend.  
Had Oz ever forgiven him for that?

“Ok. Whatever. Just make sure to bring her back to her parents. If she… has parents, that is. Where exactly did you find her?”

Gilbert hadn’t drunk any alcohol, but he still found it a little hard to remember.

“Around the fifteenth arrondissement. About a twenty-five minutes’ walk from here, I think. Leo. She was lying on the floor all covered in dirt and totally wet. It was raining so much, and it was cold. I couldn’t possibly have left her there. If she does have parents, I’m not sure if I want to return her to them, really.”

Leo’s face got softer.  
Overall, he didn’t really look twenty. Maybe seventeen or eighteen, but not twenty. Gilbert suddenly felt incredibly old.

“I know. Has she talked to you?”

“For some seconds. She asked where she was, but then she fell back into sleep again. Well, she was terribly cold. No wonder. I don’t want to know how long she had already been outside at that point.”

Leo walked over to him now, awkwardly standing next to him.

“I… we both know what it is like to be alone, right? Save her if you think that’s your redemption. I don’t think you need one, though. You have saved the world Gilbert, why I gladly gave up my whole body just for Glen-“

“Hey”, Gilbert interrupted him, his breath hitching in his throat for a moment, “someone”, a quiet smile on his lips at the man who used to pester him with candy all day, “once told us that you can never see what’s coming for you in the future. And you really can’t. Ask the me of three years ago and tell me that I’ve brought a cat home, Leo. Me of three years ago will not believe you.”

Leo eventually smiled.  
Gilbert thought that he was truly… beautiful when he did, with his pitch-black hair reaching way past his chest by now, the tips slightly curled in.  
He had long stopped questioning why Leo had never tried to pick up any girl. He did have the looks for it.

“No, he wouldn’t. Ok, back to the actual topic. No use thinking about the past now, anyways. Should I call a doctor for when she wakes up? I think it’s better if she gets checked on. She might be sick or something. I’m gonna go then, write a letter and send it with a servant, yeah? Gilbert… I’m glad you’re here, really. Sometimes… when I can’t think of anyone- anything else I just… your cheesecake is good, ok?”

Gilbert had to laugh at that last awkwardly stammered sentence. Yes. He was fairly proud of his cheesecake and definitely had every right to be so when even Leo considered it good.  
Leo never did make a fuss about food (the orphanages probably didn’t have any really good food anyways), but he was always one of the first ones to show up when Gilbert made cheesecake.  
It was almost as if he had a sixth sense for it.

“Thank you very much. I’ll just finish cooking the soup now and hope that she wakes up.”

Leo was back in less than five minutes.

Gilbert could only guess that it was because he didn’t want to be alone now. Gilbert knew those moments; had known them for all his life.  
At moments like those, he would usually find an excuse to be around Lottie, since she had become some kind of anchor for him.  
Her personality was strangely calming because she always just said what came to her mind, she didn’t lie and Gilbert didn’t have to think too much when being with her, didn’t have to figure her out.  
And if Leo needed him now, he could only try to help him.

“If she leaves over any of that soup, I’m sure I’ll get some?”

Gilbert could only laugh at that.  
Only sometimes, Leo was honest and straight-forward like this. It had been hard for every single one of them. But sometimes, they almost smiled and laughed as if Elliot and Oz and Alice were still here.  
Gilbert would be able to spend a hundred years like that, for sure.  
In the mansion that had once seemed huge and scary to him and had now become his home simply because Lottie, Leo and Doug were here with him.

“Of course. I’ll just eat toast with jam later on. I’m not hungry for soup. And I doubt she’ll eat all this. I’m so bad with making a decent amount of soup and noodles.”

Leo sat down on the sofa after some time, the newspaper in his hands, just flipping through the pages, not really reading it.  
Leo hadn’t been so absorbed in reading anymore as he had once been. It probably hurt him, remembered him of the person closest to him.  
Gilbert understood. He hadn’t been able to make Oz’s favourite chocolate cake until now, either.

“My mom used to have the very same problem. I don’t think anyone can make a decent amount of noodles. And if anyone does, they’re a witch.”

Gilbert could only imagine what it was like to have your mother dying.  
Really Leo had lost so much, and here he was, having a rather pointless conversation about cooking noodles.

“Agreed”, Gilbet sighed, turning off the herd with a soft clicking of the switch.

And it seemed as if it was that soft clicking that brought the girl to finally wake up.

It was only a grumble, a tired moan, so quiet that Gilbert almost thought it hadn’t even happened.   
But then it was there again and he finally snapped back to reality.

“You’re awake!”, he said, not being able to hold himself back.

He looked at her, shifting in the sheets of his bed, slowly opening her eyes.  
Leo and him had walked over to the bed in seconds, but that had probably been too quick; she basically jumped upwards, sitting on the bed, pressed against the wall behind her, eyes wide open.

Red.

Her eyes were red, just like the one Break had, just like the one red eye that made people beat up Vincent.  
A child of misfortune.

Gilbert almost felt tears in his eyes and at first he couldn’t quite pinpoint as to why, but really, he knew it.  
This felt like he was given a second chance to save someone who was cursed, just like his brother.  
To not even have a single thought of leaving her like he had thought of leaving Vincent.

“S-sorry”, he stuttered, “really, we didn’t want to startle you. We’ve just been kind of worried. How-“

“Where am I?”, she demanded, sleep and exhaustion still clinging to her voice like the frost had clung to her the night before, but still, it was fierce.

“Nightray mansion”, Leo said immediately, “Gilbert here found you and brought you here. You’re pretty much safe, I guess.”

Gilbert glared at Leo for that ‘I guess’ because he was more than sure that didn’t really make the girl happy in the slightest.  
Gilbert knelt down in front of the bed on instinct.  
Probably to seem a bit less intimidating. He knew his height sometimes overwhelmed kids. 

“Night…ray? The… duke family? But I thought they were dead… let me go! I don’t know what you people want from me but please just let me go!”

Gilbert hadn’t really thought about how she would react to waking up in a house she didn’t remember being carried to. Of course she wouldn’t react in a nice way and thank him for saving him.  
There were tears in her eyes.

“Leo, do you have a tissue with you?”, he asked, keeping his voice as calm and quiet as he possibly could.

Leo reached for his pocket and pulled out a blue tissue with a black Nightray sign stitched into it.  
It was probably Elliot’s.  
He stretched out the hand with the tissue to her.

She didn’t take it at first, but when the first tear began to roll down her cheek, she took it, just with her thumb and index finger, paying attention not to touch Gilbert.

“Calm down first, ok? It won’t help any of us if you cry.”

This whole thing gave him a headache. She looked just like Vincent, but with dark brown hair.   
She slowly raised the tissue to her face and wiped away her tears – to no avail. They just came back a second after.

“Alright? I’m Gilbert and this is Leo. But you can also call me Gil, if you want to. Just so… you have names and stuff. You don’t need to tell us yours, though, if you don’t want to.”

She nodded, her sniffle being interrupted by a growl in her stomach.   
It did cause Gilbert to smile a little.

“I’ve made soup. Do you want some?”

She shook her head at first and Gilbert realized why she was unsure of it.  
He himself hadn’t really trusted the Baskervilles at first, thinking that their food was poisoned.

“Ok, I’m gonna get it anyways. I know, you must be afraid, so I’ll just get the pot and eat something from it straight, so you won’t have any doubts.”

“What the-“, Leo interrupted himself, obviously having wanted to say ‘fuck’, “as if your soup is poisoned or something.”

Gilbert stood up, walked over to the pot, took a wooden tablet with him to be able to place it down and three spoons. He may as well let Leo have some of the soup.

“Leo, you have no idea how cautious you get if you’ve been poisoned only once”, Gilbert explained, dimly remembering one of the men who had taken him and his brother in back when they were kids, “it’s ok. I’ll eat from it and I’m convinced Leo will too because he already asked me for soup. But you need to eat. You’re hungry and you were outside for I don’t even know how long. A soup is always good.”

She nodded again, sitting up a bit more, still holding the blanket close to her body as if it was protecting her.  
Gilbert was the first one to get a taste of the soup.

“Not enough chives and carrots. Sorry for that. It’s really not too good.”

Leo rolled his eyes, glancing at the tissue in her hand as if he kind of regretted giving it to her – it was Elliot’s, after all. Gilbert didn’t really want to know how often Leo had cried into it.  
In the next moment, Leo also took a spoonful and rolled his eyes again.

“Listen, kid. Our Gilbert here is a master cook. Don’t believe him when he says it’s bad because there’s only like a one percent chance that it is bad. And now come on, you must be hungry."

One thing that Gilbert often forgot was that Leo had lived in an orphanage with other children for years and that he was used to scared children probably far more than himself.  
He was glad to have him here.

“O-ok…”, she whispered, her voice having gotten a little more sure now, a little more… steady.

Gilbert gave her the spoon.  
She still avoided touching him, but she did glance up for a moment.

“It’s hot. Eat slowly”, he said and waited for her to finally start eating. She was so skinny, she needed it.  
And it would maybe give him some time to think.

“Gilbert”, Leo said, walking towards the door now, “I’ll wake up Lottie. She needs a bath and I think it’s better to have Lottie do that. Also, where did you get this shirt from?”

At that, the girl jolted up, only noticing now that those were not her original clothes.

“Alice. Don’t ask me how, but somehow, her shirt has gotten into my laundry and I’m not sure I’ll ever forgive her for it.”

Leo grinned, nodded just a bit and left.  
Gilbert sank back into his chair, pretty much exhausted. He hadn’t slept all night. How was he supposed to sleep at night when there was a girl in his room who could have died anyways? But she was awake now. And she seemed fine. So it was ok.

“How’s the soup?”, he asked, ignoring the churning of his own stomach. He could still get something to eat when Lottie was bathing her.  
What would Lottie even say to all of this?  
Leo had reacted well. But that was because he had been living in an orphanage.  
Lottie however, had not. Gilbert remembered how happy she had been for Lily, but Lily was also a Baskerville, this girl was certainly not.  
She had red eyes, yes, but Break also hadn’t been a Baskerville.

“It’s… really good. Seriously I… haven’t had food like this… in months.”

Another tear dropped down her chin, onto her spoon, but she put it into her mouth nonetheless, as if she didn’t care about that anymore.  
Something inside of Gilbert… melted.  
Having a first real meal after living on the streets for a long time had always felt good. Even when the people in charge for this meal hadn’t had good intentions. Having a full stomach after months of not having one always felt truly good.

“It’s ok now. You’re safe here. I know, we may seem a little strange, but all of us are really nice… or at least I guess so. Finish eating first though. That’s the most important thing.”

She had almost eaten the whole pot when she sat back into the pillow, still crying.  
It hurt to see her cry. Not only because of Vincent, but because she was merely eight years old or something around that and she was already so terribly hurt that she got all worked up about soup.

“Can I ask you for your name?”, Gilbert asked, paying attention to keep his voice calm again.   
She looked at him now, which was already an improvement. 

“Charlene”, she muttered, “I’m… sorry for causing all those… circumstances… Sir."

“Please just call me Gilbert. I’m only twenty-eight, this is not old. Ok, to you it probably… seems old but… for me it’s not… I guess. And ‘Sir’ really does make me feel old. There’s no reason to speak formally to me, really. And you’re not causing any circumstances, I would have had to make breakfast anyways, so… it’s ok, really.”

He couldn’t have this girl… _Charlene_, worry about causing him trouble because that was not what happened. If anything, he had caused her trouble.

“But you… took me in and cooked me soup and… the only one who has ever done that…”, her sentence broke off, for a moment, Gilbert thought that there was going to be another tear, but there wasn’t. She just wasn’t able to speak out loud what had happened.

And he knew this feeling; knew the feeling of being strangled by your own memories to the point of throwing up or fading out because it felt as if you couldn’t catch your own breath.  
It felt like drowning.  
Like dying.

“It’s ok. Believe me, it really is. The only circumstance you have caused me is only having woken up so late that I thought you wouldn’t make it.”

Charlene looked at him for some time and Gilbert didn’t know what to do anymore. He felt so lost.  
He didn’t even know this person and yet… it felt as if he was responsible for her, now that he had taken her in. And it seemed like she had no place to go.

“How old are you?”, he added, deciding on putting his hand onto the bed at least.

“I… I’m seven…”, she stuttered and then it seemed as if the wall was broken, as if her tiny body couldn’t keep anything inside of her anymore.  
Her eyes started watering again, tears falling down her cheek, onto Gilbert’s hand now, her mouth started quivering, her hands started trembling.

“I… got thrown out by my grandparents three months ago”, she cried, clutching onto the bed sheets again, “before I- I lived with them because my parents died and- I barely even remember them, I think I was- three”, three years ago, in the second tragedy, Gilbert just knew. He had saved people there. Lots of them.

But one of the people he hadn’t been able to save had apparently been her parents.  
If he had only…

He slowly placed his hand on the little shoulder, afraid to break it just by touching it. She didn’t back away, so he assumed that it was ok.  
He couldn’t just leave her crying like this.

“But… I wasn’t enough for them… I wasn’t enough of a help and then they… my… my eyes… and they told me I was only bringing misfortune upon them and-“

“I know”, he simply said, nothing more. Just two words. Because he _knew_.

“I know”, he repeated, “don’t believe them”, his voice almost broke away, too, “I think your eyes are beautiful. They look exactly like my brother’s.”


	4. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took so long, I'm sorry, school has been fucking me (If you ever wonder why german people never call in sick at work, school taught us that. U can't miss a fucking day without being out of everything. SO yeah, I've been lowkey dying. thanks for coming to my ted talk) + I've had a cold, lol. 
> 
> I promise that the next chapters probably won't take me that long.
> 
> This is also again, shorter, but that's because I blurted the plans out of my head in one evening and then never changed them up, so the chapters greatly vary in length. Sorry for that, but I think everyone knows this feeling, lol.
> 
> Thank u for sticking with me!!!
> 
> (Also I got into fmab ssssssshhhhhhhh)

> In the blink of an eye  
I never got to say goodbye

### 

Chapter 3

### 

> I miss you. Everyone does. Me and your friends.

Gilbert had started tidying up the kitchen in the hope that Charlene would calm down if he left her alone for a bit.   
He had never known how to really deal with crying children. Idly remembering how Oz had compared him to Reim, Gilbert shook his head and just quietly acknowledged the fact that he was closer to Break than to Reim, personality-wise.  
He turned around and looked at her again. She looked terribly lost in that big bed of his. 

“Hey”, he whispered.

The tears were still running down her cheeks, they weren’t _stopping_ and Gilbert didn’t know how to make her. It hurt seeing her like this.

“Can I do something for you?”

She wasn’t allowed to answer because there was a really energetic knock on the door which was a lot louder than Gilbert wanted it to be; in fact, his ears hurt.

Charlene shot up in the bed, grabbing the sheets and clenching her jaw.  
She was afraid of loud noise.  
Just like he had been.

“Lottie, just come in!”, he said loud enough for her to hear.

Lottie always knocked like that. Energetic and loud like she seemed to be, but she wasn’t.  
Gilbert sometimes asked himself if he was the only one who knew how quiet Lottie sometimes went; how often she held back her tears just for others not to worry.

She opened the door and for a moment, Gilbert was genuinely shocked.  
Her hair was in a ponytail.  
Lottie was wearing her hair in a ponytail and that was a sight he was absolutely not used to, but it looked good. Better than he would have expected it to.  
Of course Lottie couldn’t really look bad. She was pretty. He’d just gotten used to her wearing her hair open that seeing her like this was… strange.

“Gilbert, are you even listening? What’s wrong with you?”, she sighed, slowly closing the door behind her, “usually you’re not that dense. Dense, yes, but not as bad as this.”

“I-“, he cleared his throat, noticing how dry it suddenly was, “sorry. I haven’t slept at all. Just repeat what you said, I’m sorry. Really. I’m listening.”

He looked at Charlene who seemed to have calmed down a bit. That was good.

“I asked you why you brought some random kid from the street with you, Gil.”

She stepped closer to him, directing her gaze at Charlene, too.  
Part of Gilbert thought it was very funny to see how Lottie’s expression changed in a moment.  
Her frown that had just been there turned into her mouth opening slightly and her eyebrows seemingly relaxing, her eyes diverting to the floor.

“Never mind. Just wait here for a moment.”

Lottie walked past him again and for a second – Gilbert could swear that it was not just his weird imagination – she brushed his hand with hers, then with her thumb, then she walked out of the room again.  
Of course that had been on accident. What else would it have been.  
He cleared his throat again, then sat down onto the bed next to Charlene.

“Who… was this?”, she asked, peeling herself out of the sheets now, then standing up with her legs shaking.

“Hey, take it slow”, Gilbert murmured, kneeling down in front of her now to at least somehow be at the same height as her.

The tears hadn’t stopped.

“I have… to go. I mean… I can’t just- Thank you… for the soup.”

“No! This is completely out of question. You’re staying. You need to recover. And… if you don’t have anywhere else to go, then I want you to stay. You’re not strong enough to survive on your own for too long. I’ve done this too.”

He felt like he really needed to tell her at least some parts of why he was reacting like this. She had the right to know.  
Yes, she was a child. But children knew far more about the world than what most adults might think.   
He remembered hating others treating him like he knew nothing about the world, while Gilbert himself had experienced far worse things than most.  
Abused by his parents and people he didn’t even know. 

“I don’t remember how long I’ve lived on the street, but I was younger than you. I’m not letting you out there again. It’s ok for you to stay. Lottie didn’t really mean that, I think.”

Charlene slowly stumbled back to the bed, burying her face in her hands.  
Her sobs and sniffles still broke through, making Gilbert’s heart break just a little more than it already had.  
It almost sounded like Oz when he had left them. When his body had been carried away by light.  
Gilbert shook his head; Oz had been in the past and he would be in the future. But he was not in the present.  
Charlene, however, was.  
It was her he should be thinking about now.

“Seriously. Lottie didn’t mean that. Give her some days to get used to you and she will probably be overprotective of you. She’s really a good person. Energetic, but… she’s good.”

There was no need to tell her about how Lottie had basically tried to kill him and his friends multiple times and how she had already killed other people by following orders without questioning them…  
No, he really should not tell her.

“But- I’m just disturbing all of you!”, she cried out once again.

It hurt. Gilbert slowly raised his hand.  
She didn’t move. She didn’t flinch. Was that a good sign?  
He knew how she could have reacted to touches – like he did. Lashing out, crying, pushing the person away.

She didn’t do any of this; she did the exact opposite. 

Her little hands grasped at his, clinging onto it just like he had once clung to Oswald and then to Oz.

“Stay here. I’m sure Leo and Lottie don’t mind. Really. You can even ask Lottie as soon as she comes back and I’m sure she’ll fall in love with you in no time-“, he heard steps outside of his room, “this is most definitely her. Really, don’t worry about her.”

Lottie slammed the door open and stared at both of them, her gaze softening once again.  
Was he supposed to tell her that the ponytail looked good on her?  
Probably not. She would not get how he had meant it.  
How did he mean it? Well, it looked good on her. That’s exactly how he meant it. No more, no less.   
Lottie would so misinterpret it that he decided to just forget the subject.

“We can’t have you crying like that. If you continue crying like this, I bet that Gilbert is going to start crying, too”, her voice had also gone soft, quiet, way more careful than it had been before.

She moved closer to the bed, her hands hidden behind her back, then she sat down next to Gilbert, looking at him with that absolutely judging gaze he hated.

“You’re such an idiot. I bet that all you ever do is make her cry even more.”

“No-“, Chalie tried to interrupt her, but Lottie just grinned, bumping her shoulder into Gilbert’s.  
The shoulder that he actually had.

“Gilbert here is like… a really sensitive egg. I don’t know if that’s a good comparison, but-“

“Did you just call me an _egg_… for real?”

He let go of Charlene’s hand when he saw a tiny smile on her pale lips, lightening up her whole face.  
She definitely looked better when she was smiling.

“And like… I sometimes buy really random things on impulse. So, uhm… take this.”

Gilbert only remembered now that he could have looked behind her back all the time, so he did.  
His heart went still.

It was a black rabbit plushie. Yes, it was smaller than the Oz he still had in mind from his early childhood, just black cloth stuffed with cotton, two black buttons as its eyes…  
But this one had blue buttons as eyes. And white, fluffy ears as well as white and fluffy paws.

When had she even bought that? Most of the time Lottie went into the city, it was with him or with Leo and he doubted that she would buy something like this with Glen around.   
Every time someone only mentioned something loosely connected to Elliot, Leo’s hands would form themselves into fists, his fingertips would begin to tremble and he would just look so miserable that you couldn’t possibly go on saying whatever you wanted to say.  
Over the course of those four years, that had gotten a lot better. Right after returning from Sablier, Leo had taken care of everything that needed to be done and Gilbert had thought that this was a good sign, but after the country and the government had calmed down, all he ever did was disappear for hours or days and sometimes even weeks, just to come back either completely skinny and dirty or packed with random souvenirs from other countries.

Gilbert had always thought that he was running away from his problems – and he had, in some way. He still did. He avoided thinking about many questions, like what he would do in the following ninety-six years or what his feelings towards some people were.  
He didn’t want to continue thinking about this.  
Yeah, obviously. That was the source of most of his problems.

But still, he did not literally run away. Not like Leo did. Leo had probably gone to other countries without them knowing often enough. Sometimes, they had found him at Elliot’s grave, sobbing and weeping like a little child that had lost their parents, sometimes, even, they’d find him close to a town in Sablier at the grave of a woman who had probably been his mother.  
Leo had gone through far too much for the tender age of twenty.

Not that Gilbert himself was any different, of course, but his coping mechanisms at least didn’t involve hurting himself, be it emotionally or physically.

He barely ever went to Oz’ and Alice’s grave. Only to put some flowers onto them sometimes, or water the ones that were planted there.  
He knew Sharon and Reim went there. They always visited Break, so they also went by all the other graves of the ones who had died during the second tragedy.  
The sole thought of Uncle Oscar made him almost cry.

“Thank you.”

It was only Charlene’s quiet, quivering voice that snapped him out of all the memories and all the death surrounding him, the death that was yet to happen around him since he would easily get older than one hundred years.  
He felt like he was definitely going to cry right there.

“Lottie”, he said, felt his lip trembling already, how his voice sounded broken.

Really, hadn’t he just complained about Charlene crying? And what was he doing now? He surely wasn’t that big of an example for her.

“Huh?”, Lottie asked, then staring at him in shock, “what are you so whimpy all of a sudden? Just because it’s a black plush rabbit? You need to learn to stand over those things-“

“Thank all of you”, Charlene repeated and really, Gilbert couldn’t do more than reach out for her tiny hands holding the rabbit, holding it closely just like he would have held on to Oz if he had survived.

How he had held onto him just before he had disappeared into those disgustingly beautiful golden lights right after telling him how happy he was.

What was the fairness in all of that?  
Taking away a boy’s life right when he was finally who he had always wanted to be despite having learnt about his past?  
There wasn’t fairness in it – there wasn’t fairness in life.  
Never had, never would.  
Gilbert was a Baskerville. He should know better than that.

Her hands were still cold between his, despite the soup and the blanket.

“Lottie?”, he eventually asked, swallowing down his tears, barely even noticing how Charlene’s fingers were clutching onto his in return, holding on to someone who would save her.

“Hm?”

“You go and bathe Charlene before the doctor arrives. And please, please bring me a ciga-“

“I’m surely as hell not bringing you a cigarette, Gilbert, you stopped that more than a year ago”, she snarled, standing up and brushing the few grains of dirt off her skirt that were to be found on Gilbert’s floor.

“But I-“

“Smoking is disgusting”, Charlene agreed, “so… as long as I’m here, please… don’t. It makes me feel kind of sick.”

Lottie patted her shoulder, then extended her hand to her.

“I like you, Charlie.”


	5. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!!! I really tried to deliver another chapter before inktober starts, so here it is! I don't know how frequently I will upload during inktober (at least once or twice I guess, since I'm on autumn break rn and after autumn break I don't write tests which are super important like why do I need to sit a sports exam wtf), but I'll try xD
> 
> I'll also participate in nanowrimo, but I've got Oneshots set for each day, but since they probably won't be enough for the wordcount, I'll continue writing this fic and my novel. 
> 
> Just wanted to say this in case you were wondering about updates and stuff ^^
> 
> (Also to my quiet readers sssssh u can leave an anonymous comment too or sth I love seeing opinions and I'm open for criticism as long as u give me an example of how to make it better)

> Like a shooting star  
Flying across the room

### 

Chapter 4

### 

> We miss you for everything you've done for us.

“This will be your room”, Gilbert said, Charlie just nodding shyly at the pretty huge room – or at least it must have seemed huge to a seven years old girl.

The curtains had long been changed into fresh, green ones. They did remind him of Oz’s eyes.  
Or Ada’s.  
A thing he had not yet gotten over was Vincent and Ada being in some kind of deeper relationship. He may have said that he didn’t love her in a romantic way, but even Gilbert hadn’t believed any of that. He was dense, just like Lottie had said. But after this display, after Vincent _allowing someone to hug him_ and then telling Gilbert quite literally ‘our different life-spans won’t allow this’, even he was convinced that Vincent was in love with her.

Really, why was his brother such an absolutely weird guy? He was more than glad that they had resolved most of their issues between each other. Sure, not everything would work immediately, so it was probably good Vincent was out of the country, taking new breaths, possibly forgetting about Ada, too.   
It would probably be better for Vincent anyways. Gilbert had never had any good experiences with love (being in love with the sister of his childhood friend who preferred his brother and then being offered to a cult just couldn’t be called ‘good experiences’) and he wasn’t too keen on trying.

Luck was never something he had easily gotten.  
That was just proved by how he always made way too many noodles. Really, how did anyone manage to make a proper amount of noodles that wasn’t far too much?

“Uh… thanks. It’s great. Really.”

Charlene neatly placed the black rabbit onto the bed, covering it with a blanket.

What would Oz say to this? What would Oz think of him… adopting a girl he found on the street and rescued on an impulse, like Leo had already said?  
Probably call him a softie again.   
Gilbert couldn’t even argue with that. He really was a softie and he had always been.  
Well, then he was adopting a kid now. What about it? It was probably good for the both of them.  
The only living being he would truly never adopt was a cat.   
Hopefully Charlie would never bring one back to the house.  
That was something he needed to pray for.

“It was my brother’s room. But he’s currently not here, so you can use it. He actually… hasn’t been here in months, so I don’t assume he’s coming back any time soon. And if he does, we still have tons of guest rooms. But I f-“, this was still really awkward to him, “I figured that it would make sense if you were in a room close to mine. Just in case you need anything.”

Gilbert Nightray becoming an adoptive parent?  
Who would have thought that?  
He himself surely not.

“Yeah. I’ve… never had a room like this. I mean- you guys must be super rich and I… never was. I lived in the Slums of Sablier for some years… and then right next to them and just- I don’t know what to say.”

Gilbert put his hand to her shoulder again, having noticed that this motion did indeed calm her down.

“It’s ok. I know how overwhelming it feels at first. And how empty. But you’ll get used to it in no time. I have a camera standing around somewhere. We’ll just use that and make some photos to brighten up the room. It’s pretty good. Belonged to my Uncle.”

The words ‘my Uncle’ rolled off his tongue pretty easily now that Oscar wasn’t there anymore. When he had been alive, it had been terribly hard to admit just because Oscar might not have wanted this.  
He knew what nonsense that was.

‘Please become happy.’

A smile tugged on his lips.

“He would have wanted that we take loads of photos, believe me. And I need one with Vincent. I mean, my brother. His name is Vincent. I don’t have a single photo with him.”

Charlene strengthened her grasp on his hand a little.

“Can I really… stay?”

Gilbert gave in to the thing he hadn’t done in years. He patted her head, his fingers lingering in her hair, just like they used to have rested in Alice’s and Oz's hair. It felt calming even to him. Touching someone he would hopefully consider “family” soon. Just like they had been. And he was responsible for not having saved her parents back in Sablier, when the black town had shot out of the earth in the course of minutes.  
Part of him hadn’t stopped blaming himself for what had happened at the coming of age ceremony.  
Why did he always fail protecting people?

“Of course. Unless… you want to go. I’d be very worried then, though. None of us here are related by blood. All of us were rejected by society once. You fit in just well."

“I can’t… pay or anything.”

At this, Gilbert had to laugh out loud. Why was a seven years old girl thinking about paying him? That was really not what he had expected. 

“We are just fine, Charlie”, he had already adapted to the nickname Lottie had given her the day before, “believe me. We will go into the city later to look for proper clothes. And maybe we can find some decoration for your room. Vincent never really liked this sort of thing. He's… quite an eccentric, to be honest.”

The tears in her eyes were obvious, but she swallowed them down. She was braver than he had been at her age. 

“Is… Vincent the brother… who also has… the eyes of misfortune?”

“Yes", he answered, “only one of his eyes, though. But I had another friend with red eyes, too.”

The Gilbert at the age of seventeen surely cursed him for calling Break a ‘friend', but right now, he couldn’t care less. Ultimately, Break had been the one to teach him how to deal with his feelings towards Oz, since he had gone through the very same thing at the very same age.

“How many people live here?”, she asked, still looking around the room as if she couldn’t believe any of it; as if it was a dream that she was warm and safe and not hungry.  
“There’s you, me, Lottie, Leo and Doug. You haven’t met him yet, but he's a genuinely nice person. Lottie exaggerates often, so don’t always take her too seriously. And- please don’t tell her I’ve said this, she would probably try to kill me. And well, Leo is more or less… moody. But he always means well. He's absolutely not a bad person. He does get angry really often though. But he stopped beating people up, so we are completely safe.”

A thing he would probably never forget was when Leo and Elliot had that quarrel at Yura's mansion about who was in the wrong.  
He really wondered if those were the last words they had ever said to each other. 

“He… didn't struck me as a very aggressive man", Charlene said, letting go of his hand and opening one of the drawers just to cough at the dust.  
Gilbert needed to clean this room properly after looking for clothes.

“Yeah, that’s because you haven’t mentioned any touchy topic in front of him yet. Are you ready to go and discover the rest of the house? I’d take Lottie into town with us because she knows more about clothes than I so for sure.”

“Yep! I… also want to thank Leo again. For calling a doctor, I mean.”

The first person they met was situated in the corner of the kitchen, grabbing an apple out of the basket which was neatly placed on the counter.  
Gilbert tried to remember a time when Doug wasn’t wearing the red Baskerville cloak, but he couldn’t. Even now, he was wearing it, the hood on, most probably looking scary to a little girl like that.

He was right.

Charlie almost immediately grabbed the cloth of his black shirt and tucked her thumb into the suspenders he had gotten used to wearing.

“Don’t be afraid. That’s Doug. I told you about him, he's really nice.”

Doug turned around, as if he had only noticed them coming in now, then shot a smile at the young girl.  
Her fingers just strengthened their grasp at that.

“…Hello", she murmured, ashamed of looking at him like some children were sometimes. Gilbert still remembered the phase in which he was too ashamed of everyone and himself to the point of not being able to say a simple ‘thank you', causing Glen and Jack to sigh often enough.

Those had been simple days – when he hadn’t known about Jack casting the world into the Abyss because of the girl he loved and hated at the same time, when he hadn’t known about Oswald wanting to kill his own sister to prevent _that exact thing_ from happening.

“Hello! I’ve heard of you! Your name’s Charlene, right? Lottie already told me loads about you and how much you liked Gil's soup. All of his food is excellent.”

“It’s not", Gilbert objected before Charlene would be able to answer, “you know very well that I cannot make anything related to oatmeal at all. Not pancakes or porridge or anything. It always starts burning.”

Doug started grinning and then tried to make himself seem smaller to look less intimidating. Gilbert was tall, yes, but compared to Doug he looked like a child next to an adult. If he already felt small, how did this girl feel who only reached up to his own hip? 

“Gilbert keeps saying he's bad at everything, but he's not. You'd better get used to it and just accept him the way he is. But really, don’t trust with anything involving oatmeal. It won’t taste as wonderful as the rest of his food. Still, I’ve eaten worse porridge. Lottie once tried to make some. She's an absolute disaster at cooking.”

Another dark day Gilbert did not want to be reminded of. The whole kitchen had burnt as if Raven had been inside.

“O-ok… I… quite liked his soup. He… uhm … he told me that you… draw?”

Curiosity did get her to be more opened up, after all. 

“Yes! I like drawing people, but also nature. I can show you some of my stuff if you want to. Just come over to my room then!”, he leant down as to tell her a secret, but his whispering was so loud that Gilbert would have understood it from the other side of the room, too, ”And if you bring Gilbert and his chocolate cookies, I’ll draw something for you.”

When had he last gotten to eat one of his own chocolate cookies anyways? Most of the time the others had already devoured them right after baking and had then complained about a stomachache.  
Gilbert’s pity had been _very_ limited.

“I got the message, Doug”, Gilbert said, actually smiling now. He was glad about staying with the Baskervilles and not alone. He wouldn’t know what to do if he lived alone with nothing to distract him from Alice and Oz and the rest of them being gone.

“Very good. Now hurry up, you two, Lottie has already been searching for you because she found some of Lily’s old dresses and wants to give them to Charlene.”

“We’d better not make her wait more than necessary then – Doug, this grin is creepy. Why is everyone grinning creepily at me these days? Lottie will just get annoyed if we make her wait. Let’s get going, Charlie.”

She nodded, shyly waving goodbye at him.

“Is she not patient?”

Gilbert had to refrain from laughing. Yes, Charlie clearly didn’t now Lottie yet – everyone knew that she was one of the most impatient people. Maybe placed right below Reim.  
Everyone always thought that Reim was a quiet and collected person, but after all, he had kept proposing to Sharon even when she kept saying she didn’t want to marry him.  
One might call it persistence, but to Gilbert, it did seem impatient, too.

“Absolutely not. We’ll visit Leo first though. Annoying Lottie can also be fun, trust me.”

Gilbert knocked on the door leading to Leo’s bedroom, waiting for an answer like usually, but instead, Leo opened the door, his hair almost as messy as it had been when Gilbert had first met him in the hallway of this very same mansion, teasing Elliot about getting angry because he had ranted about a spoiler from Holy Knight.  
Really, Elliot and Leo… had matched. Their personalities had perfectly complimented each other.  
There was no one to replace that kind of friend though. Gilbert knew that all too well.

“I just wanted to head out to the graveyard”, he said, “you can come in, though. I’m looking for money for flowers, maybe you can help me. I just keep losing everything as if we had a ghost in the house or something.”

He yawned.  
Charlene was the first one to step in, looking around the room with this childish curiosity none of them would ever experience again, probably.

“Oh, you can play the piano?”, she asked as Gilbert walked into the room himself, leaning against the wall next to the entrance slightly uncomfortably.  
It was rare that someone was allowed to enter Leo’s room.  
The room was clean as it had always been, except for some books lying around – probably unread.

“Yes. It’s gotten a bit hard though, since I’ve only got one hand. Maybe you could help me play someday?”

The only person who was allowed to play with Leo had been Vincent when he hadn’t gone travelling yet.  
For him to propose such a thing was… uncommon.  
Maybe Leo just needed someone to take care of. So that he, too, would feel a bit like his fault would be lifted.

“Yes, please! I’ve always wanted to play the piano and… learn it, but we… never had the money when I was small and my grandparents… never really… listened to what I wanted-“

“It’s fine, shortie.”

Gilbert had to laugh out loud now, he simply couldn’t resist it anymore.   
Leo was acting a lot like Elliot right now. Going around and calling people shortie just because he had grown a little.  
It was… cute in a rather strange way.

“I’m… not short!”

Leo cut the tiny smile from his lips that had just passed him, a smile so tiny yet so big that it had made his whole face shine.  
He should do it more often.  
And maybe Charlene would give him a reason to do so when none of them had ever been able to.

“Sure, sure. Well, you can come here and play if I tell you so. Please knock before coming in. If I don’t tell you and you still knock, we can also decide if work or music is more important.”

He brushed his fingers against her shoulder, then knelt down to pick up three coins below his wardrobe.

“There they are. Gil, I’ll bring Alice and Oz some flowers too. You should come next time. I’m sure they miss you. And Elliot would beat the crap out of you for not visiting his grave if he was there.”

Gilbert swallowed, feeling those damned tears in his eyes again, right on his eyelids; he quickly brushed them away with his thumb.

‘If Elliot was there.’

That was, without a doubt, the first time Leo had said something of the like. All the other times he would have stopped at the ‘if’, not being able to finish the sentence.  
Yes.  
After four years, he was finally growing, too.  
If anyone deserved happiness, then it was Leo. 

“Yeah… he totally would. I’m coming with you the next time, promised. I don’t think we ever went together, right?”

Leo was still patting Charlie’s back, then ruffling her hair a little.  
If Elliot had been able to see Leo being kind to a girl he didn’t know for more than a day, he would probably have fallen in love with him.  
Not that Elliot or Leo had ever been like that, of course. Gilbert would have noticed. He had been closer to Elliot than he had been to Vincent, so of course he would have noticed – right?

No, there was no way Elliot and Leo had been _in love_. Of course not.

Soulmates, yes. Best friends, without a doubt. Irreplaceable, surely.  
But nothing more.  
Why was he even thinking about this? It wasn’t important at all.  
Still, Gilbert did question if Elliot really had been interested in girls.

He remembered Vincent talking about dates sometimes or Ernest and Claude bringing girls home with them (to everyone’s suffering), but Elliot? Not even once.

Gilbert wasn’t one to judge people because of whom they loved – he wasn’t used to boys loving boys or girls loving girls, but he didn’t think it would be something that disturbed him.  
Elliot’s family would surely have gone wild.

Maybe he would ask Leo someday. Maybe Leo would tell him someday, by himself.

“No, we haven’t yet”, Leo answered, putting on his black, long coat.

At the age of twenty, Gilbert’s style of clothing had been about the same.  
Black. Just black, maybe a white shirt underneath.  
Now the colours of his shirts ranged from dark red to dark blue to grey to black.  
An improvement, at least.

“Charlene, Lottie and I’ll go into the city, so we won’t be coming back until later this afternoon. Just so you know and don’t worry or something.”

Charlene turned away from Leo and walked to his nightstand, glancing at the picture of Elliot and him, in their Lutwidge uniforms, Elliot holding the black sword that was now hanging on Leo’s wall in one hand, in the other hand Leo’s shoulder.

“He looks really nice.”

Gilbert was, once again, so close to losing it and breaking out into tears.  
This… little girl just went and said things that would have gotten her killed by Leo some years ago, but which made him smile melancholically nowadays, causing him to walk over to her and brush her hair and shoulder again.

“He wasn’t, though. Kept screaming at almost everything I did.”

“Tell me about him when you teach me how to play piano, ok? You look happy when you talk about him. And Gilbert said that you are angry most of the time so-“

Leo began chuckling now, a low, quiet giggle that soon developed into a laugh.

“Did he? Interesting. Gilbert, tell me more. Or better, tell me more at dinner. I’ll be going now before the definitely angrier one of us comes out of his grave because of me being late. I’ll bring bread and something else to eat, you don’t need to bother.”

Gilbert knew that Leo didn’t care about him having said that he was angry.  
He was maturing, slowly, but surely.  
And getting more self-reflecting for sure.

“Alright. Lottie will most probably come in screaming any mome-“

“Gilbert, where are you _again_? I told you to meet me with Charlie at ten so we could go and- morning, Leo.”

Lottie stepped into the room, three dresses in her hand that were obviously too big, but would be enough for now. They would buy her proper clothes today.

“Lily was twelve back then and even though she was small, they’re much too large. But they’ll do for now, right? Charlie, come with me, we’ll get you changed.”

And with this, Lottie was already gone again, pulling Charlie out of the room with her.

“Lottie is totally obsessing over her”, Leo said, “even if she says she’s not, she so is. I know I was really skeptical yesterday and like, I still am, but… thanks for bringing her here, Gilbert. This house needs some fresh wind to blow so that we can all move on a little. Have fun with them, yeah?”

Leo was still smiling.  
It suited him so, so well. He looked good.  
Sometimes, Gilbert did wonder why the girls weren’t after Leo like they had been after him and Vincent.

“Yeah, I will. Tell him about Charlie, will you?”


	6. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, and I'm back again, haha :'D Listen I'm really hyped to write this now which means I'll finish at least a chapter a week and by at least I mean AT LEAST xD
> 
> Side notes:  
Valerie is just one of my OCs and originally was used in a fanfiction I wrote at the age of 13/14 in which she was Elliot's sister lol, but she's not really important here, u don't even have to keep her in mind. And yes, Valerie is a pain in the ass and be happy u only get her in one chapter because otherwise u would have to watch her screaming random stuff at least once. Yes, she needs a therapist.  
I'm sorry for the classical ship joke in here but I simply couldn't keep myself from dropping it.

> So fast so far  
You were gone to soon.

### 

Chapter 5

### 

> That you stayed strong while some of us couldn't.

Charlene was clinging to his hand and shivering.

“Lottie, go a bit slower, please”, Gilbert said to Lottie, who turned around at that and scowled.

“I’m older than you, Gil. If anything, I should be-“, she immediately stopped herself when she saw Charlene trembling like one of the leaves in the autumn wind currently also blowing through Réveille.

The city was full this day; vibrant.  
People were walking down the streets, busy with their shopping tours or birthday preparations, buying sweets for their kids just like Gilbert had once bought meat for Alice, enjoying the vivid colours of red and yellow leaves dangling down every few seconds.  
A day he would surely never forget was the last time they went to Réveille together. When Leo and Vincent had come to the little café they had been sitting at, just to begin a fight in the midst of town.  
That had surely been… _something_.

“Maybe we should get out of all the people for now”, Lottie said, walking back to them.

“Yes. I think that would be good. Charlie, shall I pick you up?”

The girl nodded, Gilbert knelt down and she more or less climbed onto him, putting her hands onto his shoulders so that he would be able to pick her up with his one arm.  
Two arms would be better to have, but that had been his own decision and it had been a good one.  
Burning the arm on which his whole sin was marked into was a decision he wasn’t ever going to regret.  
Except for those little occasions and he wanted to pick up Charlene or cut a carrot into pieces.

“We’ll just go to a tailor who isn’t in the core of the city, it’s a lot quieter there”, Lottie explained, looking at the child in Gilbert’s arm, still trembling against his body, her fingers gripping his jacket.

Lottie reached out to Gilbert and eventually grabbed the loose sleeve dangling of his shoulder, “just so you don’t lose sight of me.”

This was the closest to an apology anyone would ever get from her, probably.  
Her hair was in a ponytail again, except for some strands that had loosened up when walking and brushing against different people. Was he supposed to tell her that it looked good or not? He really wanted to do it, so that maybe she would wear it like this more often.

Shoving those thoughts aside, he decided to concentrate on Charlene or the houses around him – anything that would be enough to distract him from those damned thoughts that had been haunting him for months now.  
Thoughts he didn’t want to face, not now.  
It was not the time for it now.

“Charlie, everything’s fine. Everything’s ok. We’re here for you.”

It took a few minutes for him and Lottie to reach an alley which wasn’t flooded by people to the point of having to walk into the same direction as them.  
Gilbert himself had never liked crowds either. Loud and noisy and so many people that you felt even more alone than you already were anyways. He had always hated being alone despite everyone technically being there.  
The feeling of loneliness would never truly leave him until he would find Oz and Alice again. Until he would see Oz cry just like he had right before he disappeared-

“Gilbert”, Lottie said, reminding him that she was there, reminding him that he was right here, in the present, with an anxious child in his arm.  
If it weren’t for Lottie simply being there to pull him out of those thoughts that sometimes consumed him, he truly wouldn’t know what to do.

“Sorry”, he mumbled, setting Charlene down on the floor and kneeling down in front of her then, putting his hand to her arm to steady her.

He knew how it felt to be that lost.

And he still knew how Glen had always tried to calm him – the attempts had been miserable so that Jack had always ended up being the one to cheer him up, but he had been glad about Glen trying at least.  
It had made him feel loved.

He heard Lottie sigh and her heels clicking on the floor until she was leaning against the wall next to Charlene.

“I know, too many people aren’t that good for you. I’m sorry we dragged you through this.”

In contrary to Glen, he was a little bit better with words and how to put his feelings into them – one advantage because of overthinking and imagining conversations with people who wouldn’t be there for another ninety-six years.

“No, that’s my fault for… being that whiny and…”

Her lips were trembling just like her whole body. He brushed her thumbs against her shoulders.

“No, it’s not, Charlie”, it had taken him long enough to admit that his parents abandoning them wasn’t entirely his fault. Vincent’s red eye surely was, as he had been supposed to become the next Glen. But his parents could have still let them live with them. They could have loved him and Vincent even with his red eye.  
Charlie had gone through the very same.

“We’ll stay here until you calm down, then we’ll go to the tailor, yeah? You really need some proper clothes. We’ll practice this. One day you’ll be just fine walking through a crowd, I promise you. Breath in deeply and then sigh, ok? That always helps me.”

He heard Lottie giggle above them and decided to ignore it. That was one of the few problems he had with her. Sometimes she didn’t take things as seriously as she should. And this was one of them.  
Charlie did as she was told, drew in a deep breath, held it and then sighed. 

“That’s good”, he said, “continue. You’re safe. You’re not living on the streets anymore. You’re like a visitor now. A visitor to someone else’s house who is a nice person to be around. Réveille has been pretty much safe in the last few months. I think the only bad thing that happened was that a little girl was all alone on the streets.”

She smiled a little at that, eventually grabbing his hand again, taking in another breath. Her trembling stopped. 

Gilbert felt strangely… light. For the first time in years. As if a light had been lifted off his shoulders and his back which had been pressing him down all this time, not allowing him to look into the near future, but only into the past and to the day when he would see them again.  
Maybe this girl was supposed to be the salvation he had been looking for.  
It was finally the time to make up a little for everything else he had done.  
He just wanted to move on so badly. He didn’t want to forget them – of course not, how could he? But maybe he would be able to… _live_ a little more.

“I think we can go on. I just… don’t want to go back through all the people for now if that’s ok.”

“No, don’t worry, it’s this way”, Lottie said, pointing to the rest of the alleyway, “we can also take another way back. Or simply get us a carriage. But we can still decide this later. Leo probably doesn’t want us back too late, not when he…”

‘Not when he was at the graveyard.’

Gilbert could easily read her lips. He had gotten so used to Lottie, it was incredibly.  
Grasping Charlie’s hand a little harder in fear that he could lose her, he started walking into the direction Lottie had pointed at.

“Gilbert, can you please wait?”

She rushed after him and he laughed. Not as loudly as he had laughed when Oz had called him an idiot over and over again although Oz himself had been the greater idiot at that time, but at least it was a laugh.

“You’re going insane now”, Lottie sighed, catching up to them and crossing her arms, a smile on her lips.

Gilbert would never admit how beautiful she had looked in that moment.

“Maybe I am. The ponytail looks good on you.”

He felt good enough to admit that, though.  
His cheeks felt hot of embarrassment and he knew that he would regret having said that later on. But for now, it was ok.

“You’re definitely going insane.”

If he had looked her way, he would have seen her carrying an even more beautiful smile on her lips.

He already regretted it when they entered the tailor’s store, so he tried to distract himself by inspecting the little store.  
The girl sitting inside looked about nineteen or twenty years old. But not older. Her hair was ash blonde, almost the shade of Elliot’s hair colour. She was wearing red glasses that hid her blue eyes.  
She was wearing a simple, white shirt and a red skirt with ribbons all over.

“Hey, Lottie, it’s you! Did you finally bring your husband?”

It took a few moments for that sentence to sink into Gilbert’s conscience. To understand that he was, in fact, the only man in this room and that it was him the girl with the almost disgustingly high-pitched voice meant.  
Him.  
Husband.  
_No._

“Wait!”, he said, looking at Lottie who was equally as shocked and then at Charlene who just looked entirely confused by the whole world.

“He’s not my husband, Val! I’ve told you often enough I’m not married, and I don’t even have a boyfriend or something! Haven’t had one in years!”

“But I thought you-“

“Val, you’ll shut up right now”, Lottie snarled, marching over to her and slamming her hands into the table Val was sitting at.

“Uhm… you’re not married?”

Something inside of Gilbert wanted to die at that. It wasn’t Charlene’s fault for not knowing, but it surely was his fault for coming off like wanting a serious relationship with the woman who had tried killing him and his master once and who didn’t look as if she would regret it one bit – what kind of sense would that even make?  
Yeah, she looked good and-  
Stop, don’t think that, he told himself, desperately trying to get his cheeks to cool down. He hadn’t succeeded doing that since he had said that Lottie’s ponytail looked good, but nothing would be achieved without trying.

“No, we’re not even in love or something.”

“Really?”, Val asked, smirking at Lottie whose eyebrows twitched slightly at that, something that often occurred when she was angry and trying to hold back.

“We’ve come here for a dress for Charlie, not to brag about my love life. We can do that some other time, if you so desperately want to leave your opinion on that. But Gilbert is not my husband, nor my boyfriend, nor is anything happening between us. Now show us your damned dresses or I’m never returning again. And I know fully well that you like it when I pay you.”

Val was the first one to give in to the staring contest going on between the two women.   
Gilbert felt so out of place for a moment.  
That was so not good and he wished he hadn’t come here for a moment, but when he saw Charlie lighten up when looking around the clothing store, he forgot about it right away.  
He would endure his own suffering if it was for her good.

“Fine”, Valerie said, “for the little lady here, I suppose? Or does Gil want a dress?”

Gilbert was too close to losing his mind by now, but he would refrain from doing so. What was wrong with this woman anyways? And what did she even think when she just started using his nickname as if they had known each other for years? Gilbert was seeing her for the very first time.

“Come with me, Charlie”, Val added, looking at the kid next to Gilbert who was still seemingly intimidated by the dresses hanging around the shop.

She immediately followed her.  
As soon as they were gone into the next room where Val had smaller dresses fit for children, Gilbert moaned out loud and slumped against the wall.

“Sorry for her”, Lottie said, sitting down on that awful woman’s chair, “she’s always like that. Her name’s Valerie. I found her tailor shop when I was strolling around the city with Fang one day. She was fifteen back then. Just a tiny kid who knew nothing about life. She hasn’t changed a bit, but believe me, she’s a decent person on the inside. Just a little special and weird.”

Gilbert buried his face in his hand, ruffling his hair to the point of it being completely destroyed. He couldn’t care less about it.

“Weird is an absolute understatement. What even was that? I mean, we definitely don’t look marri-“, he stopped mid-sentence, then continued after a break that took a few seconds, “well, I guess we do, walking around the city with a child like that. Still, Charlie doesn’t look like us at all.”

Lottie nodded, grinning and obviously hiding a laugh from him.

“Val reminds me a little of Sharon, she always did. Just that Sharon is a lot more egoistic than she is. That’s for sure.”

Gilbert was so glad that someone finally agreed on that matter.  
From the outside, Sharon might seem selfless, having done everything possible for Break, the man she had apparently valued more than her own life – something Gilbert couldn’t understand at all because that had been Break.  
But really, he knew that most of her moves had revolved around her own wishes, about staying at Break’s side, about avoiding his death because she didn’t want to experience the loss she had once experienced when her mother had died again.  
It was the same for him.  
‘I’m doing this for Oz’ was not what he had actually lived by. In the end, everything had been for his own good. Burning his arm to not be loaded by guilt anymore.   
Calling him by his name because he wanted to do that, felt the longing to see him as an equal and not as a higher-up.

“I know.”

“Thought you would disagree with me on that”, Lottie laughed, going through the many papers on the desk by now, frowning here and there at how many pages there were of unedited documents and letters.

“No. I’ve been friends with Sharon for fourteen years now. And I knew Break very well, I knew Oz very well. And me. All of us are egoistical when it comes down to it, don’t you think?”

Lottie looked to the side.  
Another strand fell out of her ponytail.

“I like to think that sometimes, we truly do things for the other just because we want them to be well. Maybe that’s just some kind of irrational wish of mine, but I’d really like to think that we can be selfless. I’m not, obviously. But in my eyes, you always were. And I admire you a lot for it. Don’t understand this wrong now. I just liked to see you do everything for Oz and Vincent. You did a great job raising those two brats, you know?”

Again, he had to laugh. Partly because of the irony of the situation – him having had this conversation with Break just some years ago, several times on top of that – and partly because of her way of expressing that he had somehow taken care of them.  
‘Raising’ was not the right word.  
Vincent had been raised by the law of the street and then by Jack, Oz had been raised by the absence of his father and the loneliness it had brought.  
Gilbert had simply done his best to keep them alive.

“I guess.”

He stroked away a strand of his own hair, watching Lottie as she tightened her ponytail with both hands.

Valerie entered the room again, shooting a deadly glance at Lottie going through her personal stuff, then she grinned.

“Charlie has found a perfect dress. It needs some adjustments, but please look at it. She’s absolutely adorable! Oh, I’d adopt her if I could, I swear!”

Valerie motioned at Charlie who was still hidden by the door.

“Here comes the next queen or something”, Lottie murmured, causing Gilbert’s smile to grow a little wider once again.

He still felt strangely light. Still, the weight was gone. It felt… good.  
Even though the conversation had put him into a more melancholic mood again, seeing Charlene in that red dress which had about as many bows as Valerie’s skirt totally made him forget it.  
It matched her red eyes. Vincent had never worn anything that could have drawn people’s attention to his eye.  
Gilbert hadn’t ever complained either. Not after rejecting him like he had done without the intention to, anyways.

“Charlie, this suits you so well! Valerie can take my soul just so I get her dresses, ok?”, Lottie squealed, walking over to the two of them and patting Charlie all over, eyeing the few places in which it was still a little too big for her – mainly her stomach and arms. But maybe that would change soon, maybe she would gain weight now that she wasn’t living on her own and without food anymore.

“You have to pay though”, Valerie said, smirking again, already pulling at Lottie’s bag.

Gilbert just wanted to leave this store because of this terrible woman, but who was he to complain? He had never been interested in clothes and mostly just bought clothes once a year if the old ones needed to be replaced. And now, standing in this store with Lottie, a little girl he had somewhat adopted and a woman who had thought that Lottie and him were married… was way too much for him.  
Charlie walked over to him and eyed Lottie and Valerie who were fighting again now.  
How exactly had they become friends? He really did need to wonder, considering Lottie looked angry enough to call her chain any moment.

“Uhm… is it really ok for me to… have that dress?”

Gilbert knelt down again, patted her head and then tugged on one of the bows slightly.  
Lottie had always worn bows and her red cloak back when they had still worn them. Of course she would love this dress for Charlie.

“Yes, of course! It suits you and you like it! We’ll just have Valerie make a few adjustments here and there. Money never really was a problem for us. I did have money problems, but that was when I was about your age, so you really shouldn’t worry about it. “

“Uh… are you and Lottie really not married?”

Gilbert clenched his fist and accidentally opened the ribbon because of it, he felt his jaw muscle’s do the same, then he sighed.

“No, we’re not. Where do all of you even get that idea?”

A little voice inside of him screamed that maybe, just maybe he wasn’t hiding it as well as he thought he was.  
He shut it up mid-sentence.

“Uhm… you do act like a couple somehow”, Charlie explained, “I mean… she held your… sleeve. And all.”

Another low chuckle escaped his throat as warmth flooded through him again, filling him even more with that feeling he had rediscovered after having lost it for years.

“That doesn’t mean anything, though”, he’d been telling him the very same thing for months now, so he was also able to say it out aloud without being too sad about it, “it really doesn’t. Now get out of the dress for Valerie to sew it and then let’s fetch some food, yeah? I’m sure you’re hungry. I am, at least.”

She nodded, still smiling at him, then ran to Lottie and Valerie again.  
Charlie and the tailor disappeared once again and Lottie giggled in the corner she was standing in.

“Forget everything I said yesterday, Gilbert. That girl is an absolute sweetheart and I’m glad she’s around.”

He finally knew what that feeling was.  
It was simple happiness.


	7. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Man, inktober really fucked me over. I'll try to get another chapter finished before November (I'm doing nanowrimo, but I have oneshot prompts prepared so no idea how quickly I can get this fic updated), but I'm not promising anything because of school. Man, school is so fucking me over to I wished it'd finally end ha. 
> 
> We're closing in on a very dramatic chapter. Just one more to go and then the drama /tm).
> 
> Also thank u for reading!!

> You're a part of me And I'll never be the same without you  
You were gone too soon

### 

Chapter 6

### 

> That you stepped in for me and for Lottie and for Oz and for Alice when we were weak.

Thoughts like those had been tormenting him for years on end. Thoughts about why he hadn’t been able to prevent Oz from being sucked into the abyss, why he had shot at him, why he had lost him _once_ again in the end.

It’s always been going on like this.

Thought after thought.

And during the day, it was ok. He was able to endure it. He had Leo and Doug and Lottie and now Charlie.  
He would do everything for her just so she wouldn’t have a single regret in her life.  
Nobody deserved this.

Maybe he did. He wasn’t quite sure.

He breathed in, like he had advised Charlie to during the last afternoon they had spent together – it didn’t work.  
Really, it had long stopped working for him. 

Vincent looking at him with those pleading eyes, begging him to stay, just begging him to not leave him like everyone else had left him.  
Despite the guilt, Gilbert did wonder what it would have been like if he had left. Maybe he could have made a living off something back then. Without a child of misfortune around, it would have been possible. Then again, he was happy to have Vincent in his life.  
When they had met in this time, it had been strange at first. Gilbert had been overrun by feelings of guilt and disgust upon seeing him in this white pajama, a cut up plushie in one hand, a pair of scissors in the other – so many feelings he had almost thrown up.

He had hugged him.

Not because he wanted to do so, no. Because of _Oz_. 

All of his life always revolved around Oz. Something that would often appear in his head at times like these, during lonely, cold nights like these, was Break.

_‘One day your devotion will become a double-edged sword.’_

He had perfectly predicted it. Break had not been stupid. Not anywhere even near stupid.

A quiet laugh escaped his throat, though nobody heard it. In the end they hadn’t used each other anymore. They had become friends. As soon as he had stepped into the fight between Fang, Lily and Break, he had also stepped into some kind of… more intimate territory with Break.  
Just by showing that he really did care about him.   
Break had been a way more simple man than many people thought him to be at first. Like everyone else, he had just been looking for people to make his life worth living. And maybe, Gilbert had been one of them in the end.

Gilbert turned around in his bed, burying his face in his pillow. Under normal circumstances, he would sneak outside with one of his emergency cigarettes he hid below his mattress – but now that both Lottie and Charlie had said that they absolutely didn’t like it, there was no way he could possibly do that.

Also that habit was something his mind linked to Oz and his disappearance and the pain it had brought.   
Alas, something he didn’t want to think about at all.

Yeah, Charlie and Lottie. Two of the subjects he was also currently running away from facing.

Charlie living with them was all fine and dandy, but she did need some kind of education which none of them could provide. They still had to search for a school for her. Or at least a teacher, since they were able to afford one after all. The only thing she was able to learn in the Baskerville house – first-hand, on top of that – was history. 

If Vincent was there, he would have been able to do that. He was always way better at the lessons Gilbert and him had taken from the teacher Glen had ordered to the Baskerville mansion. When Gilbert had thought that he had finally beaten Vince in terms of maths, Vincent was already calculating the next questions.  
That was indeed a memory he had to laugh at.

Gilbert had never had normal parents like most children did. He was absolutely not in the place to educate a child and raise one. Lottie and Doug had practically raised Lily though, so they would get around. And Leo had lived in an orphanage. 

That was probably one point he wasn’t supposed to worry about as much as he currently was.

A look at his clock told him that it was past one in the morning. 

Those nights really were the worst. They were getting fewer and fewer, but it was annoying to be up late only because he was overthinking again.   
He had to stand up at least somewhat early to make breakfast for the rest of them. And the day after tomorrow was supposed to be a meeting with the new governor of the country about the abyss and about how the Will was dealing with its vessel.  
Gilbert was not yet ready to tell that man they didn’t know because Vincent, the only one in this house able to connect and communicate to the Will, was not there.

He sighed, pulling the blanket more around him.

“I want a cigarette”, he mumbled almost absent-mindedly, then forcing himself not to think anymore.  
That was probably equal to running away, but he did need some sleep after all.  
Maybe that would do.

Gilbert woke up just an hour later to the sound of the door creaking open. He was awake in an instant, fully prepared to grab the gun from inside his nightstand which hadn’t been used in years.

It was a moment later that his eyes adjusted to the darkness well enough to spot who was standing in the door.

“What are you awake for at that time, hm, Charlie?”, he asked, sitting up enough for the blanket to slip down his chest and immediately make him freeze. He did sleep with pants and a shirt, but he had always felt cold rather easily. And his window being opened during autumn might not have been the best decision – he understood Leo and his antarctic now.

“I, uhm…”

She was still so shy, even though he had told her not to be. There was no reason to be shy around him. Gilbert barely ever judged people like he had done it when he was younger once. Like he had judged Break and Zai Vessalius.  
He still hated Zai, but he was also able to understand his feelings a little after revealing why he had abandoned Oz. 

“Can I come in?”, she blurted out, her voice even higher than it already was.

She really was just like him when he had been that age.

“Of course. Anything happened?”

She closed the door behind her as quietly as she could, barely making any sounds. Yeah, those were the kinds of things you would learn when living with people who kicked you out even though you were an orphan.  
She shook her head, stepping a little closer to him. She was shivering again. 

Gilbert sat up fully and turned on the light on his nightstand, immediately making his eyes hurt. ‘Nightray’ still was his name after all and the ‘Night’ part of it seemed to fit quite well even after all those years.

“You can sit down if you want, you know? There’s no need to stand around like that. I told you to come over when you don’t feel well, right?”

She nodded now, still too scared to answer with words.  
Gilbert didn’t need words to understand her.

She walked to him, her little feet making the floor creak only once – when Gilbert walked, it would creak with every step. Maybe they should plan to renovate some of the rooms after all.

Despite being cold, he pulled the blanket away and patted the mattress with his hand twice to signalize her to sit down. When she cautiously did so, he put the blanket around her shoulders.

“I’ll just close the window, ok?”

She didn’t react, so he took it as an ‘ok’ then stood up and closed it.  
When he came back, she was crying.   
Once again. Wounds took time to heal. That was normal. This was barely even her third day living with them. He shouldn’t expect her to get better as quickly as he wanted to.

“Tell me what’s wrong, hm?”

She sniffed, pulled the blanket closer to her and buried half her face in it.

“Nothing too bad. I just had a nightmare.”

Gilbert seriously had to refrain from chuckling.

He remembered saying those exact words to Oswald one day, thus receiving head-pats and disgusting tea. Oswald had never been good at making tea, but that was the worst he had ever drunk. Probably because Oswald had been nervous and afraid for him. Everyone from the Baskervilles had their own problems and needed to face them one day; stand up to them. And for Oswald, that included worrying about people way too much to the point of… fucking up. Gilbert did not have a nicer word for it, really. He barely ever used swear words, but for Oswald’s tea it was simply more than appropriate.

“Don’t be so shy about coming to me, then. Nightmares are normal. I used to do that too.”

He questioned whether Oswald would have liked or hated hearing the following words back when he had still been in his own body. When he had still been alive.  
Oswald being gone forever was something Gilbert hated more than he would have liked to admit when it had happened.

“The man who was the first one to be somewhat of a father to me always made me really disgusting tea when that happened. Do you want one? I mean- a good one, that is. I can make tea.”

She smiled, sinking even more into the blanket to the point of Gilbert thinking she might disappear in it any moment now.

“Yes, I’d like that. I really like black tea, but mom never really allowed me to drink it because she said I wouldn’t be able to sleep.”

Gilbert laughed out, putting his hand to her shoulder.

“I totally agree with her. You still need to sleep tonight. I’ll make you something else. Is rosehip ok?”

“Yeah. Thank you.”

She wasn’t crying loudly like he always had. Her tears were quiet. Running down her cheeks, only affecting her voice in the slightest, whereas Gilbert’s would have been breaking into sobs already.

He stood up again, walking to the small kitchen counter he was still glad about owning to boil some water. Now his window was closed, so Leo wouldn’t have to smell the rosehip tea like he had smelled the soup.

“Have you slept at all?”

“Yes”, she answered, “but not much. Took me long and then I just continued to have… nightmares. And I couldn’t… really bear to be alone anymore… sorry.”

“Don’t apologize. I was exactly the same. I think all of us were. At least the ones who live here. It doesn’t bother me, really.”

He put the dried fruit and leaves into a sieve to place onto the cup when the water was ready.

“Really not?”

“Really not.”

It took her at least half an hour to eventually stop crying and visibly calm down. 

“How about we try to go back to sleep now, hm? You look really tired.”

He brushed his hand against her shoulder and she immediately sank into his touch. Gilbert couldn’t help but smile at how quickly she had built trust in him. Her cheeks looked and felt more full than when they had first met. She had put on some weight.  
Her brown hair had never been as dirty as it had been when he had picked her up with his arm. It was shining a little in the moonlight which came in through the curtains. Almost shimmering like Oz’s had, too.

“Can I stay?”, she whispered, falling onto his shoulder when Gilbert let go of her face slowly. She wouldn’t make it back to her room. He could carry her, surely, but he still remembered how he himself had always felt.   
He hadn’t wanted to sleep in a dark room all by himself.

“Of course. You’re small enough to sleep here.”

Her hands were trembling a little, grabbing his sleeve when he stood up rearrange the blanket so that both of them would be able to slip below without making an absolute mess of it.

“No”, her voice was slurred, breathy, obviously tired. Still, she was forcing herself to stay awake.

“I mean… can I really stay? With you and the others? Is that really ok? I can’t… I can’t imagine ever… going away from you again. I… but if I’m a bother or something… please tell me. I just want to know whether I can finally stay…!”

It hurt.

She reminded him too much of his own childhood when he had said those words to Jury, the one who watched over this world, the one who originally wanted to end this tale they had started once solely for their own pleasure. Ridiculous.  
They were reading their story just like Gilbert and Oz had read Holy Knight.  
There wasn’t a need to think about it more. Really, he had thought that he had made the story interesting enough to go on by himself.

He slowly loosened the grip of her hand on his shirt, then carefully pressed her into the mattress and tucked her into the bed sheets. Gilbert would be ok if he didn’t have enough of the blanket to cover himself. She was much smaller than him. She’d feel cold way quicker than him.  
He crept below the blanket himself, searching for her shoulder with his hand. 

The hand which hadn’t yet hurt anyone.   
The hand which hopefully would never hurt anyone.

“Of course you can stay. I’ve told you over and over. It’s ok, Charlie. Everyone here loves you already. Me included. I wouldn’t let you go anymore.”

“Really? Are you serious?”

Gilbert buried his head in her hair, just like he had used to do it with Oz, blowing a kiss into it.

“Yes. More serious than I’ve ever been.”

She clutched onto his hand in the next second, wrapping her tiny fingers around his, breathing in deeply once, then sighing it out.

She was still.

So fast asleep, so terribly tired out by such an irrational fear.  
As if he could ever let go of those hands of hers. As if he could ever leave her.


	8. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heyoooo that was a long wait, I know and I'm sorry. inktober and nanowrimo both fucked me over and school did the rest and npw I'm finally on holidays so I have TIME + I'm very hyped to write the next chapter (which will be really long, probably.) so it's. it's going to be quicker than this one.
> 
> Happy belated Christmas and get into 2020 safely!!!!!

> You were always there  
Like a shining light On my darkest days

### 

Chapter 7

### 

> That you had so much love to give.

When Gilbert peeled himself out of the blanket, his main concern was to not wake Charlene up. She was young and still needed far more sleep than he did for sure.  
If he woke her now after she had only slept for five hours, she would be tired for the entire next day. 

After he had succeeded at standing up and stroking some hair out of her face, he got dressed as quietly as somewhat possible. 

It was only six in the morning. The sun had not yet risen, it was pitch-black outside. Only some lights were turned on in the city. The bakery, probably. Some carriages driving to the market to deliver fresh fruits and vegetables.

Gilbert had always liked quite mornings in autumn.

When only those few lights tried to illuminate the darkness. When the wind was blowing the falling leaves through the streets and along the sidewalks, looking so much like mice that you had to look at least twice at them. When it only smelled like nature slowly dying and preparing to come alive again in another few months.  
It was almost another miracle.

He walked over to the window and opened it, taking in a few breaths of the cold air, then closing it so that Charlene wouldn’t catch a cold. 

Gilbert wasn’t really sure what to do with himself at such a time. The others wouldn’t be awake for at least another hour. Leo always slept in late, except when there was an important matter to take care of. Even then, he would only wake up when really needed.  
And Lottie…

He stepped out of the door, closed it behind him and sighed out loud.

He wouldn’t be able to pull it off much longer and he was well aware of that. Someday he would break. Ada had been one thing. A hopeless childhood crush. And Dahlia had been a completely other thing too (being offered as a sacrifice in a cult wasn’t a thing you just forget).  
But Lottie… she was there. Surrounding him every single day for the past few years. And that didn’t make forgetting her as easy as he’d like it to be. 

Another sigh, then he walked to the kitchen. Maybe making breakfast and a cake would distract him a little from those thoughts. Charlie entering his room the previous night had really helped him, but in the morning it turned out to be just as bad.  
Maybe he could have pulled off bringing a cigarette with him after all. Nobody was awake, and if he smoked outside, no one would notice either. He still had another ninety-six years to stop before Oz and Alice came back. And Break wasn’t there to tease him about the smoking anymore, so it wasn’t that big of a deal.

The way to the kitchen seemed endless to Gilbert in his rather tired state of mind. His eyes were still a little blurry and his steps slumped, even though he was more of a morning than a night person, despite his name.  
Yes, most of the time he was awake at night, but not voluntarily. He was kept up by thoughts about Oswald and Vincent and Oz.  
And Elliot.  
Lately, especially him.

Dragging his fingers through his hair, he walked on to the kitchen.

“Hello? Who exactly is there?”

Gilbert was so more than ready to turn back right this moment, but he knew it was to no use. If he did now, she would pester him about it for months to go, probably even being disappointed in how he had seen her as some kind of monster and he had fled. She’d just tease him about being afraid of the dark.

“It’s me. Calm down, Lottie. Why didn’t you turn on the light at least?”, he muttered, “you know, you’ve tried to kill me, I wouldn’t be surprised if you tried it again, you know?”

She pressed the light switch with just her middle finger, staring him dead in the eye for a few seconds.  
At first, Gilbert didn’t feel too weird at that. He was used to people staring at him. But Lottie was a whole different thing. His own skin started feeling absolutely uncomfortable, then followed his cheeks growing hot once more, that warmth spreading towards his ears and leaving him as a pure puddle of embarrassment.

“What’s wrong?”, he asked, taking a step back when he saw the grin on her face. She was still so ultimately beautiful even when he absolutely hated her.

“Been wondering how you’ve been lately, dad. I mean, now that you’ve got a kid and all. Tiring, right?”

Gilbert internally cringed at the word ‘dad’, then noticed that he was not only doing it internally, but also externally. 

“Do I really come off like a father so much?”

“The most pampering dad of dads I’ve ever seen, if I’m being honest”, she laughed, walking back into the kitchen and stretching her arms like she always used to.

Her hair was in a ponytail again. Overall, she was looking slightly… different this morning. At first, he couldn’t quite place a finger on it, being way too dense to actually notice what was up, then he realized just a moment later that she was… wearing _pants_.

“Lottie?”

She turned around to him, noticed his gaze and then stroked through her ponytail in a swift motion.

“Look. I didn’t think anyone would be up and pants are really comfortable compared to dresses. I know, I know, I always come off feminine and stuff and I really like dresses, but they can be a real pain in the ass. You’ve never worn one, so you probably don’t know how heavy they are. And I mean-“, the tiny stutter in her voice was cute, “look, I’m absolutely sorry that I borrowed your pants and you were probably wondering where they went, but I just want to wear them in the morning before getting ready, because dresses are awful to do tasks in.”

Yeah.  
Gilbert had indeed wondered where his only pair of linen pants had ended up, since he had really liked them. Sure, they weren’t what would be called appropriate for… the higher members of society. But then again, as if he would care after having been homeless in his childhood years. 

“I did.”

The thought of Lottie somehow managing to wear his pants and having both legs rolled up multiple times to not stumble over them definitely did something to him.  
For a second, he thought that he could see a blush on her face, too.

“You’re totally judging me for wearing pants, aren’t you?”

Gilbert’s mouth was dry when he tried to answer, so he cleared his throat at first, trying not to stare at her too much. It suited her. It was unusual to see a woman in pants, yes, but it really suited her after all.

“No, not for wearing pants, but rather for wearing my favorite pair of pants that I’ve been missing for almost a year now.”

He entered the kitchen himself now, slowly closing the door behind him, then he couldn’t help laughing anymore.  
He was an absolute disaster right now and he knew he couldn’t pull this off much longer before crumbling and eventually falling apart, but for now he would. He had other problems.

“Gilbert, are you going mad now?”, she asked and it was then that Gilbert noticed she was having a bowl with eggs in front of her.

He shook his head, walked up next to her – still paying attention to not touch her if possible – and took the fork that was lying on the counter.

“Scrambled eggs, right? Let me help at least. I know I’m not too much of a help otherwise, but I don’t want to feel completely useless now either.”

Lottie didn’t respond, just held the bowl in both her hands just like she already had before. 

He really hoped that Charlie was still asleep. She needed rest at her age and it was more than important that she properly recovered now. Maybe there was some truth in what Lottie had said. Maybe he was really acting like a father.  
Gilbert did still think that he wasn’t in the right place to be one though – even if it was only like some kind of adoptive parent, probably even temporary – but Charlie needed him.  
He had taken care of Vincent for years and then of Oz and later on of Alice and every single time he had ended up hurting the persons in question.  
Vincent had almost been abandoned by him, then rejected for his entire being.  
Alice had been threatened to be killed, then gotten called ‘stupid rabbit’ for, really, no proper reason.  
And Oz…  
Gilbert had promised this boy to stay with him even though Oz had never asked him to. Quite literally the opposite. And he had shot him into the shoulder on top of that.

“You aren’t.”

Gilbert started stirring the eggs, slowly at first, then a bit quicker.

“Huh?”

“You aren’t useless at all. Charlie completely trusts you, man. I do, too. Just so… you know”, Gilbert’s mind was still trying to wrap itself around the fact that Lottie was currently wearing his pants, “and Leo too of course. I think… he might actually be putting the most trust into you. Didn’t he ask you to come to the graveyard with you tomorrow?”

Gilbert wanted to believe her more than anything. But he was so used to playing everything he ever did down, to make it seem worthless like it was in his eyes but probably not in the eyes of other people.  
There was nothing he could really give himself credit for, after all.  
Not after everything he had done wrong.

“Yes, he did. Why? You want to tag along?”

“It’s not my place to ask him, Gil. I just think it means a lot. I’ve went with him multiple times, but he never allowed me to only come close to Elliot’s grave when he was near it. If you really visit it with him, you should feel honored. Though honestly… I can see why he wants nobody around there usually.”

Gilbert watched as the yellow and white parts mixed together; he decided it was enough and placed the fork next to the bowl, then grabbed the salt and the pepper.  
The breakfast the others had made truly had been awful and he needed something proper. Charlie did, too.

“What? Why though? It’s not like Leo has anything to hide, right?”

Lottie moaned out, then Gilbert felt her forehead on his shoulder, she shook her head against it softly, Gilbert almost bumped it up, then remembered that this would hurt Lottie, so he refrained from the reflex. Yeah. The skin below his shirt was burning, tingling, and it drove him wild.

“You’re such an absolute moron and I’m having a hard time believing that you really are this stupid, man.”

“Sorry. Not my intention.”

The door was opened, Lottie pulled back in the same second.  
His shoulder was cold again.

“Morning.”

Even after having lived with him all those years, Gilbert kept being shocked at how deep Leo’s voice really had become.  
He wouldn’t ever get used to it, probably. Leo was still the small boy who had so desperately clung to some kind of a light that he had been willing to do everything in order to keep it in his life.  
Gilbert understood the sentiment more than he’d like to.

“Morning, Leo”, Gilbert said, trying to force the blush out of his cheeks. Nobody needed to know. Really not.

“Charlie’s not here yet? How’s she doing?”

Aha. So Leo had really started liking this girl. Well, how could one not love her? Gilbert surely wouldn’t know. Charlie was way too precious for the whole world and way too broken and way too lost.  
Like all of them had been at one point in their life. And god, all of them were still miserable. But they were miserable together now; that did make it better a little bit.

“Better now. She wasn’t able to fall asleep last night, so she slept in my room. I hope she’s still sleeping, though. It’s early and she really needs the sleep.”

“Man, I surely wished my dad would’ve been that caring”, Leo responded with a smirk on his lips.

Leo making jokes about his own past. A sign that his scars had healed at least a little bit; every step into the right direction made Gilbert happy already.

“Ok, ok, I understood I’m a father now, guys. Now, Leo, you help Lottie with the things here. I’m grabbing some bread at the bakery. And don’t you two dare destroy this breakfast. I’ve had enough of your cooking skills.”

Lottie leant over to Leo, whispered something into his ear, Leo chuckled, then turned around to Gilbert.

“I get it, you need a cigarette. Now get your bread.”

Gilbert frowned at them, bit back his remark about them bullying him in an almost worse way than Oz, but he decided to not make it. Nobody needed to know that he had been bullied by a blonde teenager in his own teens.

He put on his coat and left.

When Gilbert returned, the kitchen actually smelled good. He dropped the bag of bread and croissants, then walked over to Leo and Lottie who were proudly standing next to their scrambled eggs and another bowl with fried vegetables.

“Wow, I can’t believe you two actually managed to make something”, he said and did something he maybe shouldn’t have done in hindsight.

His hand went up to Leo’s head and he slowly brushed through his hair once, a smile on his face and a single thought on his mind that he wasn’t ready to speak out loud for now.  
Not when Lottie was with them, not before having breakfast, not with the possibility that he might make Leo cry.

“You’ve grown up”, he said instead, thinking of how Leo had been merely sixteen back when he had become Glen, back when he had lost…, “you’ve really grown up.”

Before he could get a response from Leo which was either going to be a slap or a scream, the kitchen door was opened again and in the next moment someone was hugging Gilbert’s waist.

“I’ve looked all over for you but you weren’t here!”

Her arms were so thin, her fingers were clutching onto his coat but her grasp was fierce. Just like her voice had been back when she had woken up.

The thought only really occurred to him now.  
Now that she was so close to him, now that there were tears in her voice at him being gone for a few minutes, now that she was silently sobbing at being scared to be without him.  
He barely even knew her, but he could say one thing for sure.  
He already loved her with all his heart and he didn’t think he would be able to let go of her ever again.  
Lottie and Leo had been right all the time.  
He really was a father now. No regrets about it.

“It’s ok, Charlie. I was just getting something for breakfast. I didn’t want to wake you up. Now, Lottie will get you dressed and then we’re going to have some egg, ok?”

She nodded into his stomach, Gilbert put his hands to her hair, combing through it with his fingers in an attempt to straighten her bed head.

“You won’t leave me, will you?”

He pressed her a little closer, felt Lottie’s hand on his shoulder, the touch burning through his clothes once again.

“I won’t. I promise you I won’t. And I’m pretty good at keeping promises.”

Ninety-six years.


	9. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did say that this chapter would come a little faster, didn't I? :'D  
You may have noticed that I don't usually have trigger warnings in here because most of the stuff that happens also happened in ph itself (like, cut off arms. and stuff.) so I suppose that wouldn't make too much sense, but I do have to add the tw of internalized homophobia for this chapter because there's A LOT OF THAT. So if you can't really deal with this, pls stay cautious!!!!
> 
> That chapter really means a lot to me though. So yes (what do u mean I can't fully project onto Leo for once-). 
> 
> Enjoy! ^^

> You were there to guide me  
Oh, I miss you now

### 

Chapter 8

### 

> It was that love that made me strong

“We’ll be back soon, I promise”, Gilbert said, a smile clinging to his lips when he patted Charlie’s head and then pushed her back to Lottie.

He had promised Leo to join him, so he would. On one side, he really didn’t want to go and tear open all those wounds again – but he owed Oz and Alice and Elliot. He owed them. They had made him happy for months, so there was no way he wouldn’t repay them.

Leo was standing at his side, kneeling down to Charlie too now.

“I’ll bring him back in one piece, don’t worry about that”, he added to Gilbert’s promise, then he put his hands to Charlie’s shoulders, “you go and pay attention that Lottie doesn’t burn the house down in the meantime, ok? ‘Cause you’re way more reasonable than she is.”

Lottie’s expression was so incredibly funny to watch, it shifted from being proud of Leo to being utterly disgusted by him and his words. A moment later, she pressed Charlie towards her, put her arms over her chest and stuck out her tongue.

“Charlie, we’re going to do _fun_ things now. And if we burn the mansion down in the process, that’s just what happens.”

Gilbert grinned, eventually pulled both Lottie and Charlie into his arm without a second thought spent on it, then took in a shaky breath. She smelled good. Of course she did, why wouldn’t she?  
She wasn’t even wearing perfume – Lottie just naturally smelled like roses and maybe also a little bit like yesterday’s dinner she had helped with.

“Gilbert? My face is pressed against your stomach, I-“

Gilbert immediately let go of them and stared at Charlie who was smiling, but also took a deep breath anyways to show how much she was apparently suffocating because of him – Gilbert knew it was only an act.

“Ok, ok, I’ll get going then. You two have some fun and have some good lunch ready for when we get back?”

“I can promise you the fun part”, Lottie said, a wicked grin hanging on her lips, “not the good lunch part, though.”

Charlie chuckled at that, then looked at him again.

“Stay safe!”

Gilbert’s heart practically melted at that; he didn’t know how he had ever lived without this absolutely sweet child. She had crashed into his life, thrown it all around, turned him inside out and then decided to make him feel like his life was finally being put to some use.  
Maybe she was the only one he would ever truly save. But it was enough.  
It would be more than enough for him to finally be someone’s savior, not the contrary.

“Let’s get going, Gilbert.”

He nodded at Leo, throwing a last glance at Lottie, only then realizing that he had hugged her as a good-bye and that this probably didn’t seem like something friends did, but he brushed it off as having done it for Charlie.  
Her smell didn’t leave him.

Not until they entered the flower shop, at least. It was only a small shop, in an alleyway close to the graveyard, but the old woman greeted them as if they were old friends of hers – Gilbert soon noticed why. Apparently, Leo always came by that exact shop when he went to the graveyard, which also explained why it always took him long, even in winter.  
Leo didn’t mind the cold too much, but even when it was minus ten degrees, Gilbert would look at his watch and wonder when he would come back. Sometimes it took two or three hours.  
Maybe he always talked to this woman.

“Who’s this man?”, she asked, nodding at Gilbert and then shaking his hand, “seems almost like you two are related, with your black hair and both of you having lost an arm.”

This must have been the first time Gilbert laughed about any kind of joke that was being made about his arm. Of course, he wasn’t particularly ashamed of it. It had been his own choice, after all. But then again, it wasn’t too common and usually he would only get pitying glances for it or straight-up offensive questions that made him shudder when he only thought of them.  
Charlie had never once mentioned it. He supposed it might be because she had lived on the outskirts of Sablier back when she was little, where that kind of thing must have been rather normal.  
He had also lived there, at one point.  
They had too much in common.

“No… it’s a little more complicated than that”, Leo mumbled, obviously not wanting to explain, then he leant back against the only part of the wall that was not covered in flowers and picked some leaves out of his messy hair.  
“Take his order first."

“I will. I’m Lauren. What’s your name, young man?”

Gilbert sometimes forgot that really, he was young. He was twenty-eight. That wasn’t old. He just felt old, already having witnessed two different centuries pretty much consciously now.  
And he would probably live into the beginning of the next, too.

“Gilbert.”

“Alright, follow me, we’ll search for something.”

Leo glanced at them and Gilbert followed Lauren into another, smaller room with more colourful flowers.

“You seem sad. We’ll get your loved ones something colourful, alright?”

He guessed that Leo had told her at least a little bit about him.  
He smiled.

“I suppose that will do. I was personally thinking about sunflowers. At least one of them was really happy-go-lucky. The other was too in the end.”

Oz had told him so himself. About how happy he was that he was finally able to cry in his arms like he truly meant it. The memory hurt, but it also filled him with warmth.

“I don’t know much about you two, as much as I’d like to think I do”, she suddenly began, reaching for the sunflowers and a pretty red ribbon, “just… I think you might be close to him. I hope you know what a beautiful heart your friend there has. He cares very much for the people he loves. For example… he once told me that he was really worried because you were sick. At least I think he said your name. Don’t put too much trust into it, my memory really isn’t the best anymore.”

He watched her as she silently tied the ribbon around the sunflowers, startled at first, but really, it wasn’t that big of a surprise. He knew Leo cared – hidden behind layers and walls, but he cared. It was the same with Charlie, after all. If anything, he showed it towards her the most. That kid was good for everyone.

“I know. I’m really trying my best to protect him a little. He does… somewhat feel like…”, the words got stuck on his tongue before he could say them out loud. That wasn’t something he should tell a random flower shop woman about. That was something Leo should hear first. He would so get punched for that. “Anyways”, he added, “can you maybe add some other flowers? To make it seem even happier, if you know what I mean. They would hate me if I didn’t at least _try_ to make their graves beautiful.”

Lauren smiled, the wrinkles around her eyes following the motion. 

“Of course. Leo is… a good young boy. A little lost, but definitely good”, she continued, “but maybe I’m just saying this because my grandson is around his age. I don’t know how he lost everyone.”

She grabbed some hyacinths and eventually some simple daisies to braid them into the sunflowers.

“But I’m sure you are trying to help him get through it. I heard there’s a child in the house now. Children are a blessing to be surrounded with. If they’re not all too noisy, that is.”

She winked, obviously not meaning it and Gilbert took the two bundles of beautifully braided flowers into his hand with her help, holding them so carefully with the goal of not hurting any part of them.  
Not the stems or the petals or their smell. They were just as beautiful as Oz and Alice.

“Yeah, you’re right there. But really, Charlie is a sweetheart. Well, I should go to Leo now-“

“Wait a moment”, she said and when she reached for the next flowers, Gilbert thought his heart might stop beating.  
His were finished. Those weren’t for him anymore.  
Those were for… _Leo_.  
He gulped.

“Please. I usually don’t get that involved with my customers. But he always comes by. Regularly. Even when it storms or snows”, her hands carefully took the flowers as if not to hurt herself with the thorns, the red petals glimmered in the autumn sun, she took ten of them into the bouquet, “he has such a beautiful heart, still mourning for a girl he lost four years ago.”

The roses looked beautiful.

Gilbert bit back the bile scratching at his throat and fought against the tears making their way up to his eyes when he realized what he should have realized years ago.  
He couldn’t say more than a broken ‘yes’ to her, swallowing and blinking in order not to start crying in front of this woman who didn’t know what she was saying at all.

“Protect him. With all you’ve got.”

Gilbert nodded, ending up pressing the flowers against his chest now in a last attempt to steady himself. Lauren walked out of the room and everything Gilbert was able to do was look at her handing the bouquet of red roses over to Leo who took it with all the care in the world and a soft smile on his lips.

“The tenth one goes on me, today. Nine is such an unholy figure to gift the person you love almost every day. You either go all out and buy ten, or one. Now get going, it’s going to rain later. It’s starting to get a little cloudy already.”

Gilbert looked outside the window and while the sun was still shining, there were indeed clouds now.  
Only then did he notice that Leo was looking at him the entire time, scanning his face and Gilbert felt himself go totally rigid at the intent stare and more than ever before he tried not to cry.

“Right. Come on, Gilbert.”

Gilbert followed him to the outside, stumbled behind him, trying to catch up with Leo’s rather quick steps.  
Of course, he understood what all of this was about now.  
Elliot.  
It had always been him, _it had always ever been him_ and Gilbert did question why he hadn’t caught on to the fact that they had been in love with each other.

“Wait, Leo, please.”

A first tear fell onto the sunflowers.

“No! Shut up! I really don’t want to hear it!”

“No, please wait. I just… I’m sorry.”

Leo turned around right when he entered the graveyard, his gaze hard and cold and so unlike himself from the last few months. That was the Leo from back then – not trusting himself or anyone around.  
Always just _Elliot_.

“Why are you apologizing? Because you don’t condone it? Is that it? I trusted you, really. I know it’s not natural, ok? I know! I’m fully aware of it! And that’s why I didn’t tell her he was a guy or anything else! Hate me all you want, I don’t care-“

“You do”, Gilbert interrupted him and he felt himself getting angrier and more pent up about how Leo was talking about himself and his feelings and another few tears spilled from his eyes at that, “you do care! And don’t you ever dare say again that it’s unnatural! It’s love. Just love, Leo. There’s nothing unnatural about love.”

He felt so incredibly stupid. It wasn’t his place to cry. But then again, he’d always been a crybaby, so it wasn’t like he was able to stop himself either.

“There’s nothing unnatural about love, Leo. It’s ok. I didn’t apologize because I don’t condone it or something, because I do! I’m apologizing because I never noticed! Never! I mean I know I’m stupid, but still, not like that! It’s ok, Leo, seriously.”

Gilbert took a step closer. Carefully, as if to not upset Leo. He was so close to breaking apart and losing it just like he had always used to back before…

Back before Elliot had died.  
Surely, with Elliot, those outbursts had already become less. But they had only ever ceased after his death. Probably because Leo had been depressed to the point of not being able to feel all of his emotions anymore.  
And Gilbert almost knew how he felt.  
He hadn’t been in love with Oz – so much was clear – but he had loved him in another way, a way that maybe was comparable to Leo loving Elliot, just not romantically so. He knew how it was.

Leo blinked and for a moment, Gilbert thought he might start to cry, too. But he didn’t. He clenched his hand around the roses, a few drops of blood dropping into the leaves below his feet at the harsh contact with the thorns. 

“Leave me alone.” It was nothing more than a whisper that Gilbert wouldn’t have understood if he hadn’t watched Leo’s lips form the words. “It’s disgusting. I’m a guy. I shouldn’t ever have been- with Elliot. Not ever. It was wrong on so many levels and I swear it’s ok if you write me off because of it. I don’t care.”

It was like a broken mantra he repeated, as if to tell himself that that was it.  
Gilbert hated every single second of it.

“How long have you been meaning to say that out loud?”

Leo looked up at him now, his grasp lessening, more blood dropping into the flowers. And the leaves and onto his shoes.

“How long has all of this bottled up inside of you, Leo?”

He didn’t care anymore. Not now. He eventually walked towards Leo and did what he had been meaning to do for years now. He put his arm around him without reflecting upon his actions more, then pulled him close and held him.

It didn’t take long for Leo to break apart.  
It wasn’t violent. Not anywhere near that. Gilbert felt the tears on his neck when Leo buried his face there, he felt the tiny sobs on his skin when they eventually passed his lips. He knew he couldn’t console Leo with words. He wasn’t able to.  
There was one person who could do this, and this person had been dead for four years by now. Nothing had changed, really. Leo was still the small boy from back then – just grown and with a deeper voice. That was all there was to it.  
A little boy who had been neglected by his family, by society and later on by the family he had lived with. It had taken a single person to get him out of his misery and it had taken a single death to destroy all of it again.  
Leo had only been sixteen back then. Gilbert remembered how he had felt back then, too. Just two years after Oz had disappeared into the abyss.  
Teenage years weren’t an easy time to get through and then losing your best friend, the man you loved more than anything in the world…  
That was something he hadn’t gone through and it was also something he wished he never would have to go through.

Leo was skinny. He only noticed that now. Surely, he was eating pretty well nowadays, but he had hungered for the majority of his life and that still showed.

Leo only had one hand and that hand was holding a bunch of roses, so he didn’t exactly requite the hug, but he did lean into it and that was what made Gilbert happier than anything else. They both knew that Leo couldn’t be properly comforted – not as much as needed anyways – but maybe this right here would be enough for now.

“I just-“, he said, his voice rough and raw and full of the tears he was choking on, “I just miss him so much, Gilbert.”

“I know”, he said, not really thinking about it more, letting his emotions speak because that was all they needed, “we all do. But I know it’s different for you. I know how much he meant to you. I know how much you meant to him, too, Leo.”

A shaky breath on his neck, a cold nose pressing into it a moment later. Gilbert smiled. He was finally letting go of everything. It had taken him years, but he was finally starting to let go a little.

“I loved him so much.”

He was trembling in his arm, shaking so much that Gilbert thought he might really shatter apart now, that his skin would crumble as if it was porcelain. None of that happened. Leo was still human, after all.

“I just loved him so much. When I met him it was all over for me. Of course, I didn’t want to admit it at first.”

His voice was quiet, and Gilbert was aware that this meant everything to Leo. That he had waited so long for someone to finally listen to him and his feelings no matter how much he hated them. He wouldn’t interrupt.   
Not now, anyways.  
Talking about feelings really did help release some of the bottle up problems. The moment he had called Oz by his actual name for the first time had been one of those. It was blurry in his memory, pain and emotions having bled together in that moment.

“But then at one point I couldn’t hide it anymore. Elliot was too great for that. And it made me feel like crap, like I was an abomination because I wasn’t supposed to have those feelings, and I was in one room with him at Lutwidge and really I had thought it would be ok, that I would be able to deal with those feelings somehow without involving him in them, but you know him. It was impossible. There was no way I could have lied.”

Yes. Elliot had been way too great for that. Noble. So noble that even Vincent had seen him as someone he looked up to, despite being seven years younger.

“Did you tell Elliot?”

“You can bet I did”, a dry laugh followed this words, “I got so fed up with him during a fight that I screamed it at him, Gilbert.”

Yeah. That seemed more than in-character for Leo. When he was calm and had his thoughts collected, there was no way Leo would ever admit that to himself nor to Elliot. But their fights had often gotten quite violent, so it almost seemed natural to Gilbert that the confession had happened like this.

“Could have guessed that”, he said, slowly beginning to brush his hand over Leo’s shoulder.

“Yeah. I kissed him without ever asking him if that was ok and I felt so bad about that for days. Because, I mean, I forced myself onto him. I knew that it was a really shitty thing to do but I was way too proud to admit that to him. You know me, after all.”

“He…”, Gilbert swallowed, didn’t know whether he was allowed to ask such a thing or not, but he decided that Leo was ready to talk now, “he did love you back though, didn’t he? Because I personally don’t see a way how he couldn’t when you’re right there.”

Leo clang to him, wrapping the arm with the red roses around him too now, clutching onto Gilbert with shaking arms and trembling fingertips and so many tears in his eyes.

“Yeah”, he breathed out, “I suppose he did.”

“Did you two kiss more often than once?”

He felt Leo nod into his neck, not able to answer this with words.

“Do you really think it isn’t unnatural to… be like me?”

“No, Leo”, he answered, now letting his hand glide to the other’s hair to comb through it, “and I wouldn’t want my…”

He deserved to hear it. It didn’t matter whether it made Leo uncomfortable or not. It was the truth and he should hear it.

“I wouldn’t want my little brother to think of himself as unnatural or at fault for something he didn’t do.”

The only reaction he got for that was a slight hit with a bunch of roses against his back and a low laugh bubbling up in his throat.

“Vincent would so hate me if he ever learned of this.”

“I can have two little brothers, Leo. Now, let’s go to Elliot, hm? I’m sure he’s waiting for you already. And you don’t let a lover wait, do you?”

Leo slowly let go and when he was distanced far enough from him to look at his face, Gilbert noticed how red and puffy his eyes were and how there were stains of salt on his cheeks. His neck and his own face probably didn’t look any different.

“Thank you, Gilbert. Seriously. Thank you so much for everything you’ve done for me.”

Gilbert smiled, eventually deciding on putting his arm around Leo’s shoulders and dragging him along to the grave. It was between all the other Nightray graves, all the people that fell victim to both head hunters. One of them had done it out of pure spite, the other had done it to protect Glen’s soul and maybe also to protect someone he loved and cherished more than anything.

“I’m sorry”, Leo suddenly said, it was practically spat out and when they arrived at the grave, he threw the roses against the grave stone, some of the petals falling off the flowers in the process, then they fell onto the soil and the other red roses on the grave.  
There were a lot, Gilbert noticed soon enough.

“Hm?”

“His last words. His last words were an ‘I’m sorry’ directed at me. What an absolute asshole”, Leo added in a very worked up way, “an absolute asshole I tell you.”

Leo wiped the tears from his eyes with his sleeve, then brought his hand to his pants to get rid of the blood on it that the roses had left behind.

“For what was he sorry for though?”

“I don’t know. I hope he was sorry for dying without telling me”, he said, his voice was just weak, hoarse by now. Gilbert pulled him just a little bit closer.

“I surely hope he is. I miss him too.”

They stood like this for a few more minutes, just quietly watching the first few drops of rain starting to fall onto the many red petals on the grave, they rolled down into the soil and dyed it a darker colour. It was beautiful.

“Elliot would be so proud of you if he was able to see you now, Leo.”

“No. I think he’d beat the holy crap out of me.”

Gilbert rang the doorbell, hoping that Lottie wouldn’t scream at them for being completely soaked. 

The big door was slowly pulled open and he soon noticed that this was not Lottie because she was way too small for that.  
Charlie stared at them. A stick horse in her right hand, she was wearing the red dress they had bought again and had her hair was in braids. It suited her.

“Welcome back”, she said, put the stick horse against the wall to wrap her arms around Leo.

Gilbert almost felt jealous. Wasn’t he the one to pick her off the streets? And what were his thanks? Not being hugged when coming home.  
But really, he felt like this child had more compassion and already knew more about the world than he would ever get to learn.

“It’s ok, Charlie”, Leo laughed and slowly pushed her away from him, “better hug Gilbert. He cried like a baby the entire time.”

“Sounds like him”, she agreed, the tone of a joke clinging on her lips.

Gilbert sighed at that; was he really being teased by this child already? If that didn’t prove that he was a wimp, then what did?  
There were other steps now and soon, Lottie came into sight behind them.

“You’re disasters, you two. Now get in and take a hot bath, we don’t want you getting sick. Then we’ll try eating the stew Charlie and I made. It smells good, but I do not guarantee that it tastes good.”

Gilbert took off his shoes, then stepped into the house, Charlie clinging onto his arm again now.  
If that was what he would come back to, he wouldn’t give it up for nothing.  
He supposed he was a bit like Oz now.  
There was no way he would want the past to be changed despite everything that had happened.   
Not now, not when she was right there.

Leo walked ahead of them.

“You knew about Elliot, didn’t you”, he asked when Lottie passed him.

The only answer he received was a grin and an “everyone except for you did”.

Gilbert wasn’t really able to argue with that, it was true after all. 

Still, he frowned, then smiled when Charlie sneezed into his arm.

He wouldn’t give this up for anything in the world.  
He supposed Leo also wouldn’t; not anymore.


	10. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been writing too many oneshots pls forgive me sobsob I swear I'm still working on this and I love this fanfiction a not I'm not gonna drop it don't you people ever even dare think this. It's just. I've gotten re-obsessed with fruits basket again thanks to the second season trailer and then I read chaos walking and just,,,,,,,,,, lots of feelings, guys. lots of feelings.  
But here it goes! It's a shorter chapter again, but then again I don't really have any minimum or maximum of words that I'm trying to reach cause that'd def worsen my writing so,,,, yeh, here u go ^^

> I wished you could see Just how much your memory  
Will always mean to me

### 

Chapter 9

### 

> Without you, I'd be nothing. I'd not even be writing this.

“It’s just a cold.”

Gilbert breathed out in pure relief, the tension from his shoulders immediately slipping away and Lottie who was in the corner of the room did the same.

Charlie herself didn’t do much more than slump back into her pillow, closing her eyes and hiding the feverish glance in them by doing that.  
He was still worried. She was sick and had a fever and was coughing and pretty much refusing to eat. If she didn’t look much better, he’d almost say that she was worse than when he picked her off the streets.  
Her cheeks were fuller, her hair was shining more, there was always a tiny smile stuck on her lips. There was no doubt that she was better now, even though she had caught a cold.

“Some more rest, tea and soup will do the job. She’ll be fine in a few days. If the fever gets worse, contact me, although it shouldn’t be the case.”

Gilbert nodded and shook the doctor’s hand, then Leo who had been standing in the door the entire time showed him the way outside.

“I told you it’s only a fever, you worry too much. Both of you!”

Charlie’s voice was incredibly weak despite her words and she buried her face in the pillow, grabbing the plush rabbit Lottie had given her when she had arrived and holding it close. Gilbert decided to sit down on the bed and place his hand to her forehead, stroking the sticky hair out of her face without giving it a second thought.  
If this had been more than a cold, he didn’t think he would ever have forgiven himself for not worrying enough.  
But it was; Charlie would be fine, just as the doctor had said.

“No, we are _rightfully_ worried. You’re a part of our family, so you have to stay healthy”, Lottie said right when Gilbert was about to say the exact same thing, “we can’t let you get sick. Now you’re going to sleep. And we’re going to say here, with you, in case you wake up and need us. It’s already past six. I’ll just quickly go and talk to Leo so that he doesn’t question why I’m not in my room in the morning. Because if anything, I’m going to stay with you and not Gilbert. That guy really needs to sleep.”

Gilbert turned around to her, hearing a chuckle coming from the other side of his ear, weak, but still there.

“Lottie, please! Who do you think I am? I’ve gone through way worse stuff than staying up one night because of a sick child! I’ve stayed up all night for reasons that were way, way worse than Charlie having a cold!”

He wouldn’t even know where to start if he were to list them.  
Dragging his baby brother through lonely, cold streets during winter?  
Contemplating for hours whether his life was worth living?  
Beating himself up about not having been able to save Oz during his coming of age ceremony?  
Running through corridors and corridors of Pandora after Oscar had died with two unconscious teenagers in his arms?  
He couldn’t _quite_ decide.

“Fine, then stay, I’ll take the sofa as bed. You take the floor”, Lottie declared, standing up and making her way to the door.

He was left alone with Charlie, now, which was a lot calmer than with her around.  
Spending a night in one room with Lottie wasn’t exactly what he had originally wanted, but he’d survive it for Charlie. He wouldn’t leave her, under no circumstances.

“Lottie is so unnecessarily complicated sometimes”, he sighed, his hand still in the dark brown hair. 

Her hair colour was similar to Alice’s, dark brown, almost bordering on black. He wondered if Charlie’s hair would turn black when she got older, just like Elliot’s hair had shifted from platinum blond to a brownish one like the one of his siblings.  
Elliot was one of the people he would never forget, not even in a hundred years, not even after those. It was the same for Leo. He knew that now.

“Yes, she is. But you still like her, don’t you?”

That was one of the few sentences Gilbert had not been prepared for at all. At first, there was heat in his cheeks at the simple question that should not have evoked that reaction in him, then he noticed himself becoming pale.  
Charlie was eight years old and she had caught on. No, actually, it was about ‘liking’ her. Which he did, of course. Living together with someone for four years automatically meant caring for them. That was the same case for Doug.  
And especially for Leo, too.

“You do”, Charlie concluded with a chuckle wallowing up in her throat and eventually, Gilbert gave in.

“Yeah, I don’t hate her, fine. Why would I?”

It was two in the morning when Charlie had properly fallen asleep.

Gilbert sank down into the sofa, right next to Lottie whose eyes were already partially closed. Lottie had sat down right in the middle of it, so Gilbert didn’t exactly have space.  
His shoulder was brushing against hers in the slightest and it was more than enough to send a shiver down his spine. He remembered his conversation with Charlie. Yeah, he did like Lottie more than he should. The beating of his heart pretty much proved this. Nothing would happen between them, though and he was sure of it. He was just Gilbert and nothing special. 

“God, I’m so glad she’s finally asleep”, Lottie sighed her shoulder bumping into his a little bit more and her hair tickling the skin of his shoulder where his shirt didn’t reach – he had opened it up because of how stressed out he was.  
He had not thought that taking care of a sick child would be this exhausting. It wasn’t comparable to what he had gone through four years ago, but cooking soup and worrying had really done the job.  
Gilbert had always been a worrywart. And seeing the person he’d learned to care for the most in the past few weeks sick with a fever really didn’t do anything to improve that.

“Yes”, he agreed, “I can’t endure her crying. And now that she’s asleep, she won’t cry anymore. I hope she’s better tomorrow.”

Really, all those tears that had left stains of salt on her cheeks had made his heart hurt. Charlie had started looking so miserable towards the evening because of how tired she had been, but she also hadn’t been able to fall asleep with her nose stuffed and throat itching.   
Gilbert perfectly remembered how it was to be a whiny child who just wanted to get better already and play outside like on normal days. He had been sick often enough and he had had Oswald taking care of him a lot.  
He’d had the most disgusting tea in the world often enough, too.

“I can’t deal with crying children either. I mean, I technically can and I’m good at it. I’ve had enough practice with Lily. But it tires me out because it hurts to look at crying children. And Charlie’s really been miserable. I hope she’s better by tomorrow. God, I’m tired.”

Gilbert didn’t know what to respond. Maybe that was because there was nothing to say between them for now. They were both tired and both needed sleep and the way Lottie eventually put her head onto his shoulder told him that yeah, that was more than right.  
He didn’t dare think about the touch more than needed. It was there and for now, it was comforting.  
Her hair tickled, the soft skin on her cheek was warm and she faintly smelled of roses and metal.

Almost like blood.

The smell stuck to all of them, probably. Both of them had killed, destroyed lives, put others through misery.  
Smelling like blood probably wasn’t something that would leave them after all those years of hurting people.  
She was breathing regularly, and he felt it on his skin. Was she already asleep?   
Lottie falling asleep on him was something he had never dreamed of. It made his stupid heart flutter and his breath catch in his throat.

“So…”

Ok, she was not sleeping. But still leaning on his shoulder. Normally, he would have freaked out, but he himself was way too tired. Charlie’s silent snoring also didn’t help him.

“Gilbert?”

“Mh?”

The vibrations of her voice reached his skin and he was so close to giving and leaning his own head against her soft hair so that he didn’t have to keep it up; something that became ridiculously exhausting because of how tired he was.

“How… have you been dealing in the last few weeks? I mean, you seem happier because of her… like pretty much everyone. But sometimes your eyes are kind of… dark. And you have dark circles below them too. Is it about Oz?”

Ah.  
She had hit perfectly hit the point except for Oz. 

He shifted slightly and she distanced herself from him at that, raising a hand to put onto his shoulder at that and look at him with those damned eyes of hers.  
She was beautiful. Breathtakingly so. Even when there were tears in her eyes because of yawning, even when her hair was a mess because of the stress she’d been in because of a sick child, even when she faintly smelled of blood.

“You don’t have to tell me what it’s about, if you don’t want to”, she said, her voice hasty, if it wasn’t that dark in the room Gilbert would’ve seen that she her cheeks were tinted red at how she thought that she had invaded his personal space.

“No, it’s ok”, he whispered and decided to give in.

He dropped his head onto her shoulder now, glad for the comforting warmth to spread into his body again at the touch. This didn’t mean anything. Not to her, not to him.  
He just needed a shoulder to rest on, now that Oz, who had offered him the very same thing, was gone.

“It’s not about Oz. Well, I suppose it is, too, but that’s normal. But no, honestly, I’ve been thinking more and more about Vincent because… she kind of reminds me of us when we were kids.”

Lottie didn’t say anything, so he took it as an invitation to go on. She had asked after all, so he came to the conclusion that this was what she had wanted after all.

“Look, it’s just… he’s been gone for nearly five months now. I haven’t been able to contact him at all and he doesn’t even know about Charlie. I’ve completely lost touch with him and anything could’ve happened to him in that time. I’m pretty convinced he’s still alive because he’s Vincent, but… still.”

Vincent had no problems defending himself, that was for sure. He did have a contract with Demios after all. That chain was almost as strong as Raven, so if something actually did happen, he would be able to just… kill people.  
But after having learned of how much he wanted to erase his own existence back then in Sablier, Gilbert continued to be a bit worried when it came to his brother.  
Sure, it was pretty much out of question now. Not after Ada.

“Don’t you worry about him of all people”, she whispered, her hand on his shoulder slipping down to his back and then making it’s way up to his other shoulder to actually pull him closer; Gilbert died a little bit inside. It meant nothing and he was aware.  
She was just comforting him.

“I know, I know, I just…”

He hated himself so much. Would it do any harm to tell her about all those feelings? He had been the one to encourage Leo to talk about him and Elliot after all, so he should follow his own advice, right?  
He bit his lip to keep his voice from shaking as he mentally prepared himself for the truth he would admit.

“I hated my own brother so much until I really saw how broken he was.”

It was quiet for some time, only an owl in the forest beneath the mansion cooing, a few twigs cracking.

“Hating Vincent is… more or less a common experience, Gilbert. It’s nothing you have to be ashamed of, even if he’s your brother. Look, I liked him and sometimes I straight up wanted to strangle him. The problem about this is that he’d probably end up liking it. We’ve seen that with Leo scolding him.”

Gilbert cracked a tired laugh, his throat feeling constricted, his hand on the sofa twitching at the awkward feeling.

“No”, the corners of his mouth dropped again and if he wasn’t that tired, he’d cry again. These days it felt like he did nothing but crying, really. Charlie had made him even more emotional than he had already been before.  
She was still quietly snoring in her bed.

“I really hated him, Lottie. I thought about killing him or abandoning him when it was winter because I thought that I’d be better off without him. Which probably would’ve been the case, even though it was my own fault he has a red eye. But just- I hated him so much, Lottie, and I pretended not to do it for years and years and I never really cared about how he felt until Ada finally accepted him. And I’m so incredibly sorry about it. I rejected him for almost his entire life.”

The thumb on his shoulder started moving, a simple gesture that was so comforting to Gilbert that it almost, almost helped.

“Look, Gilbert. You’re not a bad person. You’re not even close to being one. You made your mistakes, just like all of us did. And it’s ok. Vincent knows. And you guys are better now and you at least started understanding him, didn’t you? It’s ok, really. I’m sure he’ll come back soon and maybe you two can properly talk then. He’s gotten so much better, really. Since Leo quite clearly ordered him not to die, he hasn’t tried. Also, you’re accepting him now, right? And that’s everything that counts.”

He sucked in a shaky breath, it smelled like roses and metal, he exhaled it onto her collarbone. For a moment, he considered taking her hand that was placed in her lap, but he shook his head softly as if to wipe away that thought.

“I don’t know. I just don’t know. I’m just so worried about Charlie and about hurting her. I’ve never explicitly thought about taking in a little girl and what- what if I start to hate her, too?”

And now Lottie laughed. She clasped her mouth with the hand that had previously been in her lap to stifle the sounds as if to not wake Charlie.  
It took at least a minute for her to calm down and as much as Gilbert wanted to be offended, his tired muscles and mind didn’t exactly let him. He closed his eyes, deciding that it was all or nothing now.  
He decided for all, and sank into her, just trying to feel her a little bit closer than he normally would.

“You? Hating Charlie? Now, really, this is the most unreasonable _bullshit_ I’ve ever heard in my life, Gil! You’re truly stupid sometimes. I’m positive that you’re going to end up becoming a ridiculously doting parent who’s going to cry when she has her first boyfriend because you’ll be afraid of losing her!”

His mind was hazy and his thoughts definitely weren’t clear anymore. Sleep was overwhelming him and he was more than sure that he’d regret falling asleep on her shoulder in the morning.   
But that wasn’t of his concern now.

“I want Oz and Alice to come back”, he whispered, then admitted his defeat and slid into sleep-


	11. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter came quick and it's only 2.5k words but I think that the next one will be longer *looks at plans* I haven't written this character in ages so I'll uncontrollably sob about him and get nothing done, thank you very much Pandora hearts for making me like assholes.
> 
> Yeha, and, if you thinl that LottieGilbert is going to get real anytime soon you're a fool I once wrote 300 pages of slowburn and am now the slowburn king.  
(It won't take too long, anymore. Be patient.)
> 
> Thanks to all of u who comment and read and aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah many Gilbert feelings as always

> In the blink of an eye  
I never got to say goodbye

### 

Chapter 10

### 

> Sorry. I'm not too good at writing letters. But you know that, right?

The sun was already up when he blinked, immediately being blinded by its rays. Gilbert couldn’t do more than groan and shield his eyes with his hand. He had always wondered who had decided to make the sun that bright – the Jurys, probably. It had been some time since he had thought about them, but he also couldn’t be bothered to do so. Their world was a story, so what? It didn’t change anything after all. Everything was still the same, it wouldn’t end too soon and he was sure that Leo was making the world interesting enough for the Jurys to be entertained.

He closed his eyes again, attempting to fall back into sleep. It was to no use, so he decided to try and properly wake up.  
Gilbert opened his eyes again, noticing that he wasn’t in his bed, but in Charlie’s room, on the sofa, with a blanket on top of him. Lottie had probably put it over him, hadn’t she? She was too good for this world.  
For a short moment, he allowed himself to smile at that thought.

Then he remembered everything.

He had fallen asleep on Lottie’s shoulder and Charlie was sick with a cold and currently lying in her bed with a fever.  
He was fully awake in an instant, pushing the blanket off his body and staring into the bed.  
She was sleeping. Her chest was heaving with every breath, her face was soft, not in pain and her cheeks were of a fairly normal colour.  
Right when he was about to stand up, the door opened and Lottie entered with two cups of tea, looking at him for a few seconds, then back at Charlie.

“She’s fine. Her fever’s gone down, rest, Gilbert. I’ve already checked it. She’s better. She’ll probably be left with coughing and a running nose for some more days, though. Keep quiet and let her sleep, will you?”

Lottie really had gone soft.  
She was nothing compared to what she had done before. Poisoning Ada, trying to kill Oz…  
No, that wasn’t it. She had changed, yes, but _soft_ wasn’t exactly the right word. She was thinking more for herself now, she wasn’t following every of Glen’s orders without thinking about it anymore. And she was caring. But she’d been caring before already, having raised Lily and having taken care of the other Baskervilles too, including him and Leo.  
He had just seen her as evil because she had threatened Oz. But that had been years ago. And he had forgiven her for that, too. It had just taken a long while.

“Can I sit down?”, she asked and didn’t wait for an answer, instead just carefully sat down next to him; this time, their shoulders weren’t touching.

It only made sense after all, he wouldn’t like sitting close to himself either. Yesterday they had both been tired and they hadn’t paid any attention to it. But now it was only natural.  
Gilbert tried not to show his disappointment.

“I’m still worried about her”, he muttered, trying to spark up a conversation about Charlie to distract himself and to distract her, too.

Lottie handed him one of the cups. It was green tea and it smelled good; not sweet at all. She had remembered that he didn’t like sugared tea.  
Of course she had – they’d been living together for four years. Gilbert also knew how Leo and Doug drank their coffee. He had interpreted way too much into it once again.  
The cup did warm his hand though and that was what he appreciated more than anything. The room was not exactly cold, but Gilbert, who had been below a blanket the entire time, was freezing at the sudden change of temperature on his skin.  
Placing down the tea first, he pulled the blanket up again, just for it to fall back into his lap.

“Cold?”

“Yeah.”

Lottie chuckled, a sound that went straight to his stomach and in a desperate motion, he put the cup to his mouth and drank in order to somehow get those feelings inside of him to calm down, but he just burned his tongue.

“So, you’re still worried about her?”, she said after a while and again, Gilbert nodded, wrapping his hand around the cup a little more now. His tongue hurt, but he wouldn’t let that show. There were some things that Lottie just didn’t need to know – for example how much of a dumbass he was at times.

“Yes, of course I am. Have you seen how miserable she looked yesterday? I don’t want to see her like this ever again.”

He cast a glance at her tiny frame again, her hair a mess. He would have to run her a bath for when she woke up, and make her breakfast then, too. But there was no way in hell he would wake her up. She needed the rest.

“I just… I can’t bear seeing her like this, Lottie. It hurts to see her suffer like this and I hate to see her cry. I love her, ok? I don’t know how I’ve ever lived without her. You’re right. If she ever brings a boy home, I’m seriously going to cry.”

Lottie put her hand to her mouth and placed the tea down onto the windowsill, then broke out into laughter that was barely muffled by her fingers and Gilbert was almost convinced that Charlie would wake up, but surprisingly, she didn’t move.  
Her breathing was still regular, her eyes still closed. Good.

“Lottie!”, he hissed, trying to shut her up because he really wanted to let Charlie sleep some more, “Would you please be quiet?”

Lottie took in a deep, shaky breath, then quit herself. The grin remained on her face and her gaze laid on him.

“You’re the best dad I’ve ever seen, Gilbert.”

Exactly. Soft had indeed been the wrong word to describe her. There was no possible way he could call her kind or nice or anything of the like when that mischievous glint didn’t seem to fade. Her gaze was mocking but at the same time it wasn’t and he had no idea how to interpret that now. Was it a joke? Was she serious? He couldn’t tell when she chuckled once again, looking back at her tea then.

“Really?”, he eventually stuttered, a blush creeping onto his cheek when he thought about what it would mean to him if she was serious after all.  
“Yeah. You’re only missing the dad jokes, honestly. I’m a Baskerville. My family obviously wasn’t good, so I don’t really know what a father is supposed to be like. But when I see you, I think that that’s it. You’re caring and you really love her even though you only know her for some weeks, you take care of her as if she was your actual child, Gilbert. It’s cute. I like that a lot about you.”

The blush on his cheeks intensified at that, he felt his stomach turning upside down and again, he tried to calm it with tea – it was a bit colder already, not burning his tongue anymore, although it still hurt because of how he had burnt it before.

“But… I’m awful. She’s sick, I’m awful. I can’t even keep her healthy!”

Lottie groaned, still looking at her tea and eventually drinking some of it, too, as if to calm herself.

“God, Gilbert, every child gets a cold from time to time. You’re a good father for her, really. She loves you, can’t you see that? She was so worried about you all the time when you went to the graveyard with Leo. Ok, apart from the fact that you’re a good dad, she’s acting a little bit like your mother. But she’s just a kid, Gilbert. Kids get colds and that’s normal and you shouldn’t blame yourself for that. Because I mean it, you’re a good dad.”

Parents.  
He’d arrived at that topic again.

He barely remembered the faces of his own anymore – just remembered that one day they had sold him and his baby brother off to a freak show to make some money and get rid of the child of misfortune.  
And then there was Xai, who had never really been Oz’s father, but his father figure nevertheless until Uncle Oscar had completely moved in with them. He’d rejected him and broken him by doing that.  
What if he would do the same on accident with Charlie? There was no guarantee he wouldn’t, and it drove him mad.

“What if I fuck up?”

Lottie sipped her tea again, then placed it down on the windowsill again.

“I can’t believe you actually used that word, Gilbert.”

An exasperated sigh of his followed, he brushed a hand through his still messy hair. Right. He should probably change his clothes and properly brush his hair, then his teeth and then make breakfast. Having an existential crisis wasn’t going to solve any of those daily tasks.

“It’s true though. I’ve never had a real family either- well, I’ve had Oswald. He raised me. He made terrible tea and he kept me away from tomatoes as if they were... evil spirits, but he was good to me and loved me. And… the same goes for Uncle Oscar, I suppose. I miss them.”

The last sentence had left his lips without having thought about it, but it was true. He missed those two a lot. He missed everyone.  
But they had saved the world, they had saved the story – that had been worth the sacrifice, right?

And most importantly, they had saved Oz. His body hadn’t survived, but his soul had been accepted into the abyss. He wasn’t as twisted as Jack. Despite everything.  
Gilbert would see him again soon enough.

“You’re doing just fine at the moment, really”, Lottie said again, then yawned.

Gilbert looked at her. There were dark rings below her eyes.

“Have you slept _at all_?”

He raised his hand, almost unconsciously, then awkwardly put it to Lottie’s shoulder when he realized that he had raised it to put it against her cheek or into her hair or below her chin-  
Those thoughts had to stop.

She shook her head slightly, then let it drop against his own shoulder.  
Once again.

“No. I was way too worried about Charlie. And you had occupied the sofa but I wasn’t going to wake you up either because you looked so tired and-“

“Hold on. You tell me that _I_ am worrying too much, but you haven’t slept at all?”

She couldn’t see his smile, so he came to the conclusion that it was ok to let it tug at the corners of his mouth.  
Lottie buried her nose in his shirt, her forehead was resting against his neck.  
Maybe he was interpreting too much into this again. But she trusted him, right? Maybe, just maybe, she liked him, too? 

He shook his head at himself, knowing very well that this wasn’t possible. He was still Gilbert. An insolent crybaby who wasn’t able to live without his master even after all those years.  
Who was only alive to be able to meet him again.  
Charlie would have liked Oz, he was sure of that.

“Even I worry, sometimes, ok?”, Lottie grumbled, then exhaled and all of a sudden, her whole weight fell against him and her head would have slid down his shoulders if he hadn’t put his hand into her hair quickly enough.

Had she fallen… asleep on his shoulder just now? Like he had yesterday? Her body was warm. Not as warm as Charlie’s forehead had been, more comfortably warm than that.  
On top of that, her hair was soft.  
Shit, Lottie had fallen asleep on his shoulder and her position was more than uncomfortable and her neck would hurt if she remained like this.

“Get her into bed.”

Gilbert’s head shot up when he saw that Charlie’s eyes were open, trying to blink away the heavy sleep in them – to no avail. She was still tired and it was obvious. Her voice was hoarse and when the blanket slid from her shoulder, she immediately grabbed it to pull it up again so that she wouldn’t feel the coldness of the room on her skin anymore.

“How long have you been awake?”, he stuttered, kicking his own blanket from him and placing the tea on the small table next to him, then wrapping his arm around Lottie a bit more.  
He wouldn’t let her go and even though it was completely embarrassing for him to have Charlie see that, he couldn’t care less right now.

“I don’t know. Just now. Let her sleep here or something.”

Yeah, there was no way he would be able to carry her anyways. That was long over and it was this second, one of the few rare moments of regret about what he had done to his arm.  
But it had been worth it.  
There was a smile on her face even when she coughed, her throat obviously hurting.

“I- I think that might do.”

He stood up slowly, lowering Lottie down onto the pillow he had slept on himself at night; she didn’t wake up. She quietly accepted what he was doing and slept on.

“Has she stayed up all night because of me? It was just a fever. I’ve had worse already.”

And coughing again. Why was she talking when she was in pain? Charlie was the bravest girl he had ever seen.

“Yeah, she did. And you stop talking until I get you a glass of water now”, he ordered, the only answer he got was a grumble and arms crossed over the blanket for the shortest while before hugging it close again.

Another giggle escaped his lips, he pulled the blanket up to Lottie’s chin and again, his hand almost moved on its own and stroked through the soft strands of her pink hair exactly once.

Oz would have hated him for falling in love with her, wouldn’t he?

There.

He’d thought it.

There was no going back anymore – not now. Not after admitting it to himself, not after finally giving in to what had been tormenting him for the past year.  
He let go of her, the warmth not fading from his fingertips just yet, the tingling feeling in them still prominent.

“I’m thirsty.”

“Quit ordering me around”, he responded, the smile still on his lips despite everything.

So, he was in love. That was it. It was hopeless, but if he could enjoy moments like those, maybe it would be enough until he forgot about her again. A stupid thought, that wouldn’t happen.

But Charlie was there, too.  
If anything, she would stay.

“_You_ told me to shut up until I get water, so you have to fulfill that promise of yours! I’m not ordering you around!”

And that made him laugh again, even when he filled the glass with water.

He didn’t care about being loved back if he was able to love that woman and that little girl who were probably meant to be his salvation.


	12. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> again, a rather quick chapter! Exam phase starts next week though so no idea how long the next one will take me. I'll maybe get it finished this week though so I could still upload before the exam phase (which is 6 weeks. ughhh).
> 
> I actually have no clue if the word siblicide exists in english but Siblizid exists in german and word doesn't tell me it's wrong either, so lol.
> 
> Vincent and Leo act a little like middle school boys, but honestly, who wouldn't want to bully Gil?

> Like a shooting star, flying across the room  
So fast so far

### 

Chapter 11

### 

> Remember when we bought flowers for their graves?

“Gilbert!”

He awoke to Charlie’s hands clinging to his remaining arm, her shrill screech still echoing in his ear and making it hurt.  
Another scream followed and he thought that maybe his left arm would fall off too by how strong her grasp was on him and he would be left with only his legs.

It took a few more moments for him to wake up and actually realize that a scared child was in his bed and that they weren’t the only ones in his room.

Survival and protection instincts kicking in, he pulled Charlie closer just to realize that that would lead to him not being able to grab his gun.  
He reached out to his nightstand, Charlie’s grasp lessening just a bit for it. Shortly before he opened the drawer, his eyes adapted to the darkness and he let out a sigh of relief.

A long one.

Charlie stared up at him in confusion, her fingernails burying themselves into his shirt and his skin, but he had experienced much worse pain.

“Calm down, Charlie. That’s my brother. Let go of me so I can turn on the light, ok?”

She hesitantly let go after some more seconds, then clang to the blanket, obviously not as reassured as she tried to seem.  
Gilbert pressed the light switch and yeah, there he was, his brother, Vincent Nightray in full color and _alive_.  
If he hadn’t barged in at – he cast a look at the clock – midnight, he maybe would have been relieved.

“Vincent. What the hell”, he stated, looking at him a little closer.

His blond hair was as long as ever, the green earring he had bought last year that resembled the eyes of not only Gilbert’s former master and best friend, but also… Ada.  
He hadn’t seen Ada in such a long time.  
The grin was also still on his face, though it was slightly less creepy now; Lottie hadn’t turned softer, but Vincent definitely had.  
He was wearing a shirt and pants and suspenders, looking… almost normal for once and not nearly as eccentric as he had used to. 

“How are you, dear brother?”, Gilbert thought that really, Vincent was the only person to actually address their brother with this term, “and would you mind explaining who this is? It’s been quite some time, hasn’t it?”

Gilbert internally cringed at Vincent’s tone of voice because it was most definitely judging and it was probably aimed at him not having bothered to contact him – which wasn’t true on top of that.

“Listen, Vince, I’ve tried reaching out to you but I had no address to send my letters to, so it was kind of hard, you know?”

Vincent laughed, reaching for the chair and sitting down on it, a breathy sigh escaping his lips.  
Gilbert supposed that his brother had only arrived just now and that for once, he was out of breath and exhausted from his journey.

“I’m aware, don’t worry about it too much.”

And he’d grown up just a bit more.  
Now that there wasn’t anything life-threatening aura surrounding them, now that Vincent had finally been accepted as a person by Ada and then him, he had finally started growing up.  
Not in the sense of taking responsibility, but definitely in the sense of thinking more rationally about certain situations and letting go of old emotions that were to no use anymore, that just hurt him and ate him up.

That was something Gilbert himself still had to learn.

“Why do you have to make such an entrance, though? It’s midnight. We’ve been trying to sleep. Couldn’t you at least knock?”

“I come back after _half a year_ and that’s how I’m greeted?”, was the only response he received, then Vincent’s expression softened again, he nodded at Charlie who flinched at the sudden eye contact.  
Gilbert put his hand to her shoulder and patted it to try and calm her down, but she just began trembling at the contact. Gilbert couldn’t blame her. Vincent was creepy and him appearing in his room at half past twelve in the morning was not exactly the best way of getting to know him.

“Who is that, though? Seems like a lot has happened since I’ve left, huh? I got that her name is Charlie. How did you meet her?”

“I-“, Gilbert wasn’t really sure what to say and how to explain everything that had happened in the last few months. It had been a lot.  
Well, telling Vincent about Charlie would be one thing, but telling him about Lottie would be… something. He didn’t need to, not now, he’d only do it if Vincent caught on to it himself. Which he wouldn’t, because Gilbert was hiding it well. Or so he thought, at least.  
“I found her on a street almost three months ago and- her family isn’t exactly there anymore”, he hoped that he had phrased it in a way that wouldn’t make Charlene too uncomfortable, “so we took her in. We all just kind of agreed on it, I hope you’re fine with it too.”

Vincent was still smiling, but it was one of those smiles where he couldn’t quite tell what he was thinking.

“It’s not my decision, is it? And if you think it was a good one, then it probably was. I’m not one to object to an act of kindness, Gil. How old are you, hm?”

Charlie, too shocked to react at first after being directly addressed by the weird guy who had shown up at midnight, opened her mouth and closed it.

Again, Gilbert couldn’t possibly blame her for that.  
He would have been afraid of Vincent too if he hadn’t grown up with him for at least the majority of his childhood and his teenage years.  
Gilbert encouragingly nudged her again and she opened her mouth.

“…Eight. I’m eight.”

And Vincent chuckled. He just chuckled, stood up and made his way over to the bed, sitting down on the edge, next to Charlie.  
She backed away, but when he shifted slightly and the light of Gilbert’s lamp reflected in his eyes, she relaxed.

Yeah, that made sense. Of course, Charlie would feel… some sort of connection with him. They were both children of misfortune. Both a sign of calamity for the Jurys for no proper reason other than being an irregularity in their stories.

They were connected.

‘Not by light, but by darkness.’

She reached out her hand to take his, slowly, but she didn’t refrain from it anymore – Vincent shook her hand and held it for a few more seconds.

“The name’s Vincent. You can call me Vince or whatever suits you best. Just please don’t call me _rat_ or anything of the like, if you would.”

If Break being gone didn’t hurt him so much, Gilbert would have laughed. He had no idea what had happened between Break and Vincent, but from what he’d heard from Leo had been Break screaming at Vincent and Vincent eventually losing sanity because it was true.  
Because changing the past wouldn’t do any good and Break had experienced that first-hand.

“I’m… Charlene. But Charlie is fine, too.”

They let go of each other’s hands and that was when a weight dropped off Gilbert’s shoulders all of a sudden.  
Vincent wasn’t angry with him, Charlie was neither, they didn’t hate each other.  
Yet.  
That could still change, since it was Vincent, but for now, everything was fine and he wouldn’t need to fear Charlie being afraid of him.

“Glad to meet you, Charlie!”, he turned around to Gilbert, that soft smile now turning into a mocking one, “I can see why you saved her, now. You’re a lot less cruel than you used to be, Gil.”

Gilbert frowned, feeling heat creep into his cheeks at how obvious he was.  
He had wanted to leave Vincent to rot in the streets when he was a kid simply because of his eye colour and now that he was an adult and knew how much he had hurt him, he tried making up for it. By saving a girl with red eyes who was about the age Gilbert and Vincent themselves had been back then.  
Terribly obvious.

Vincent stood up again and Gilbert decided to follow. He wanted to talk to him properly to explain himself a little and to ask Vincent how he had been and most importantly where he had been.

“Charlie, do you think you can go back to sleep? I’d like to talk to Vince for a bit, I haven’t seen him in quite some time.”

Vincent walked over to the window, the light of the moon being reflected in one of the green earrings and for a moment Gilbert felt sick at the thought of how he had lied to Ada and how she had probably known that it was wrong.  
He had never been good at lying.

“…I’ll try”, she whispered, grabbing the blanket again and laying down, “I’m old enough after all.”

Gilbert couldn’t resist chuckling, brushed through her hair again, still glad that her fever hadn’t lasted more than one night back then. He wasn’t sure if he’d be able to deal with more of her being miserable.

“Shall I check on you in half an hour?”, he asked, already knowing the answer.

A nod.

“You’re a little bit like her Jack, huh?”

He turned his head around to Vincent, biting his lip, feeling his hands start to tremble when he realized what his brother had just said.  
Whom he had just compared him to.

It was true though, wasn’t it? He had picked her off the streets just like Jack had.

he had given her a home in the new residence of the Baskervilles just like Jack had. He had shown her so many new things just like-  
He swallowed, walked to the door.

“Come on, Vincent, let’s talk. And close the door so that she doesn’t catch another cold, will you?”

He wasn’t able to face him after that and just walked down into the kitchen, hoping that Vincent was following him.  
Judging by the footsteps that appeared a few seconds later, he was.

“Pissed at me, now?”

Ah, his voice was as cold as ever, even after he had changed so much and smiled so much just now at the girl he probably saw himself in.

“Listen, Vincent. I just don’t like being compared to Jack Vessalius, ok?”

“It’s true. You know it is. And don’t act as if you hate him. Even… Even I can’t bring myself to do so.”

Gilbert, clenching his hand into a tight fist and being afraid that his nails would draw blood in his own skin for a moment, turned around to him now.  
Vincent wasn’t smiling, he wasn’t grinning, his expression was completely neutral even when he slowly touched his earrings.

“It’s not just because of Ada.”

Outside, there was a single snowflake falling down onto the earth.  
It was February. Of course there was going to be snow.

“He saved us, Gilbert. And no matter what he continued to do, no matter how many mistakes he made, that fact doesn’t change.”

Vincent walked over to the counter, then grabbed a pot from the kitchen shelf and let enough water for two cups of tea run in.  
Vincent was right and he knew that. But Jack had been responsible for so many things, for Oz dying, for Alice dying, for _everyone_ around him dying-

“Yes. I don’t hate him completely”, he whispered, his breathing shallow when he admitted the one thing he had been hating himself for in the past few years, “I know. It’s stupid. It doesn’t make any sense. I should hate him for Elliot and for Oswald, but-“

“You do know Levi had quite some role in this too, don’t you?”

He did. He’d heard the story from Leo often enough and had seen Leo roll his eyes at the voice inside of his hand protesting and making stupid remarks again and again.

“Yes. I know. I hate him, too. You have no idea how glad I am that I’m not Glen and don’t have to deal with Levi inside of my head. I think I’d go mad and honestly, I do not know how Leo has managed it all this time.”

“What are you talking about me?”

Gilbert stared at the door where Leo stood, arms crossed and still in his pyjamas. That was to be expected, it was only a quarter to one. Of course he wouldn’t change into his actual clothes.

“Levi, to be exact”, Vincent said, not exactly saying 'hello' to him, but greeting him with a happy nod, Leo touched his head right away, the other one obviously having heard it.

“I swear, stop talking about him or he’ll become even more arrogant. I’m already happy that I can ignore him most of the time. He’s tried giving me some advice that I’d rather not have heard to be honest.”

Gilbert could imagine that. And he didn’t even want to know what Levi thought about the entire thing with Elliot and how much shit Leo had probably endured about this. 

“Well, Vincent, where have you been?”, Gilbert ended up asking, not wanting to think about Jack more than necessary. He didn’t hate him even though he should and he felt bad about it. Even Oz had been able to hate him, too. 

“Barma’s country. It was quite beautiful, actually. I don’t understand why that guy didn’t stay there if I’m honest. But I think we should talk about that tomorrow. Maybe Charlie wants to hear that too.”

So Vincent had grown attached to her too, in that short amount of time? Gilbert got two cups from the shelf one after another, a grin tugging on his lips.  
She surely had some magic about her that he couldn’t quite place a finger on.

“And I have a way more important question, Gilbert. Any news about girls?”

He flinched, almost dropped the second cup at that question. 

“What? N-no. Nothing. Of course not. Why would there be, you know of my luck with girls and it’s not like I like anyone anyways.”

He had stumbled over almost every single word, his voice rasped and the sentences coming out of his mouth in a terrible stutter.  
He’d really never been a good liar.

“So there is someone you like”, Vincent concluded and Leo just laughed, reaching for the tea and placing the tin box next to the cups, Vincent filled them up and Gilbert thought that this was his death and he would actually die now.  
There was no way out of it anymore.

“You could say that”, Leo said and Gilbert wanted to slap Leo or Vincent or both but he ended up slapping his own forehead.

“Shut up! You don’t know anything, Leo!”

Leo’s face, however, told him that he knew _everything_. 

“Look, I’m ok with every girl, but Ada. And I know you’ve always had a thing for her and I mean, I wouldn’t forsake it if you were in love with her”, Vincent began and Gilbert grew more miserable with every passing second, “but I’d not exactly like it either, if I’m honest. I mean, I dumped her in the most cruel way and had you tell her that I’m dead, but come on, Gil-“

“No!”, he interrupted him, brushing through his hair in an attempt to steady himself but it ended with Leo punching his ribs and wriggling his eyebrows, “I’m not in love with Ada! And overall, if I wasn’t your brother, you’d most definitely try to kill me if I liked her!”

“You have a point”, Vincent agreed, putting the tea and then the hot water into the cups, clearly not making Gilbert feel any better.

“Well, it’s not her, anyways”, he added on to prevent his brother committing siblicide. Not that he genuinely believed Vincent would do that, but after everything that had happened he also wouldn’t go and trust him completely.  
He’d been there and done that.

Vincent raised an eyebrow at that and right when Leo wanted to help him with the tea, he raised his hand.

“Leo. You’re my master and I’m your servant, I’m doing it. Now tell me, who is it, then?”

Gilbert grew more anxious and tense when Leo’s grin widened, his teeth showing and he decided to make the tea himself so that he wouldn’t have to see Vincent’s smug grin when Leo told him who it was.  
Because apparently, Leo knew.  
He lived with him, of course he did.

Stop.

Did Doug know?

_Did… Lottie know?_

“Well, I think Gilbert should tell you himself-“

“No way in hell!”, he shouted and almost knocked over the cups when there were steps in the hallway, he buried his fingernails in the hard wood of the kitchen counter and almost felt his fingernail break.

“What is that ruckus at that unholy time- oh, Vincent, welcome back.”

Gilbert did not turn around.  
Overall, why had the kitchen become the place where everything mildly important in his life happened in? He kept meeting Lottie in it and now he was having that conversation there too, about her and she was standing in the door.

“Yeah, he’s back”, he stuttered out, still not turning around.

He didn’t need to.  
Vincent started laughing – it was his maniacal laugh – then he leaned over to Gilbert and took the small bottle of honey out of his hand, shooting him that damned smug grin Gilbert had never wanted to see.

“Ah. I see. That makes sense. Good choice, Gil. I can tell you from experience-“

“I do not want to know!”, Gilbert interrupted and eventually turned around because really, he’d rather be facing Lottie than Vincent right now, with the thing he had probably meant to say.

“Hello. Lottie, save me, those two are bullying me.”

Leo laughed, too and just patted Gilbert’s shoulder, then punched his ribcage.

“That’s not news”, Lottie remarked, coming to a halt between Leo. It irritated Gilbert a lot that she was shorter than him even though he should have gotten used to that years ago already.

“I’m aware, but today it’s really bad. Seriously. I can’t deal with those two anymore. I’m going to check on Charlie. I know it’s not been half an hour, but I’m quite tired to be honest and-“, Gilbert shot a glare at Leo and Vincent that obviously didn’t look as threatening as he had wanted it to look, “are going to keep quiet. Because I swear, I… hate you two.”

His voice quivered saying the last words and his red cheeks betrayed him completely.  
Stepping to the door, he looked at them for a last time.

“Admit it, Gilbert, you love us. Haven’t you told me that I’m like a little brother to you, hm?”

That was it. Gilbert did not want to see Vincent’s reaction to that one.  
He walked out of the room, slamming the door shut behind him and only faintly hearing Vincent’s gasp of surprise.

Sleep. That was his plan now.

“Gilbert!”, came a muffled voice from behind the door, it was obviously his brother, “I support that, by the way!”

Since Vincent surely didn’t mean supporting him seeing Leo as a brother after having struggled to see Vincent as such for years, he could only mean Lottie.

“Charlie”, he mumbled as if to distract himself from all this shit that had just went down, “I have to check on her.”

He didn’t have to, she was probably asleep already.

However, Gilbert had no idea what would have happened to him if he had stayed just a second longer inside of a room with the girl he was in love with, his maniacal brother and his maniacal friend.


	13. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me: *cryptically foreshadows my epilogue* heeheehee
> 
> Again, this isn't too long, forgive me. I'm just not too much on consistent chapter length? It's more about the feelings they convey for me. But yeah, here you go! I'm planning to actually get this finished towards summer but *sweats* damned exams

> You were gone too soon,  
You're a part of me and I'll never be the same here without you.

### 

Chapter 12

### 

> I bought white roses. "Death of a loved one".

“You haven’t told Lottie anything, have you?”

Vincent raked his hand through his own hair, attempting to loosen one of the many knots. Gilbert had just woken him up – he had slept on one of the sofas of the mansion, since his former room was occupied with Charlie’s things. It was eleven in the morning by now. Gilbert had had breakfast about four hours ago, then he had cleaned the kitchen and gone shopping.

And now he was here, walking through the mansion with his brother in search of Charlie. Gilbert had to talk to her about school, eventually. Now she had put on enough weight, she had finally started living a little better and thus he planned to ask her whether she wanted homeschooling or going to a public or private school. If she wanted to, she would be able to go to Lutwidge later, maybe.

Lutwidge.

It reminded him of Elliot, once again, with a pang to his chest that almost felt as if he had gotten shot, like it always would. And of how they had infiltrated Lutwidge.  
Of how Elliot had screamed at Oz.  
Of how Oz had started moving forward, leaving him behind in the shadow, as the only one, unable to take the steps Oz was taking.  
God, he had been so pathetic back then. As if it would break the bond they had had – nothing could have done it.  
Nothing had ever been able to break their bond.  
Not even _shooting_ at him had. 

“…Gilbert?”

“Huh?”

“You asked me a question and didn’t even listen to my answer?”, Vincent said, a grin on his lips once again, then Vincent reached behind himself, making a ponytail to get rid of the strands hanging in front of his face that he hadn’t brushed yet.

Gilbert was already happy enough that Vincent had at least changed his clothes and was now wearing one of Gilbert’s shirts that hung off his shoulders a little.  
Ah. Vincent wasn’t the only one wearing his clothes-

“I’m sorry”, he said, frantically trying to push the image of Lottie wearing his pants out of his brain because he really didn’t need to blush in front of Vincent, “please repeat what you said. I was thinking.”

“Yeah”, Vincent replied his voice soft and nearly a whisper, “I’ve noticed. But well. I said no, I have not told Lottie anything because while I may have teased you a lot and while I’m also supportive, I know it would make you uncomfortable.”

Gilbert’s eyebrow twitched and he walked around the corner to Charlie’s room. She was most probably reading – so much him, Leo and Doug had been able to teach her.

“Not that this ever stopped you from attacking me in Reveille. Or killing people for me. Yeah, Vincent. Sure. I’m sorry, but I hope you understand why I don’t trust you.”

A laugh escaped his brother’s throat, breathy and somewhat sinister.

“You’re right. But this time I really didn’t do anything, I swear. I have no reason to interfere. I mean, surely you would be happy if she loved you, but that’s really not my thing to act on. I’m going to encourage you though. I think you should confess.”

“I most definitely should not!”

The laugh grew into a happier one now. Vincent raised his hand and for a moment it stayed in the air awkwardly, then it came to a rest on Gilbert’s shoulder.

“I understand why Oz picked on you so much. It really is fun. You know I’ve never liked him, right?”

Gilbert barely brought himself to nod at the mention of him. He missed Oz and his jokes and his simple brightness.  
Nowadays, they wouldn’t be connected by darkness anymore. They would finally be connected by light, just like they had been in the very end.

“But you know what, Gil? He was brave. Oz was probably the bravest boy I’ve ever seen. I understand why you liked him, I really do. He faced Leo head-on even when he had completely broken. And he didn’t want the past to be changed, no matter what. And he… was right. The past isn’t something that you should change lightly. I think… I’ve learned this now.”

Vincent had definitely matured, grown into an adult and Gilbert was proud of him – the shoulder on his hand was misplaced, it should be the other way around. But for now, he would accept it. This was probably the first time Vincent was trying to comfort him.

“What…”, Gilbert was aware that this question would be a dangerous one and that maybe, Vincent would lash out, “Vincent… what happened between you and Break?”

For a few seconds, there wasn’t any reaction and the time passed slowly, it seemed like hours and with every passing moment, Gilbert felt more and more anxious.  
He already wanted to take it back when Vincent finally spoke up.

“I guess I learned that the hatter was right after all, huh? That I was the mad one out of us two. And that he had already learned something I should have learned way earlier. God, I’m so glad he isn’t with us anymore.”

And Gilbert almost believed it. Vincent was a good liar. But Gilbert knew him well enough by now to notice the tiny tone of sadness in his voice, of regret and loss.  
Break wasn’t someone you were able to forget easily because no matter how much he had annoyed you, he had secretly always wanted your best, tried to save you and your soul and everyone dear around you without paying attention to himself.  
He truly had been a knight, no matter if the family he had served had already been dead for years.

“Sure.”

And that was all that needed to be said between the two of them.

Opening Charlie’s door, Gilbert already wanted to start talking until he realized that the room was empty. There was no one.  
She wasn’t in her bed or her chair or sitting on the windowsill like she usually was. The book laid untouched on her desk, the bookmark still exactly where it had been before.  
With another painful stab into his heart, Gilbert noticed that it was a Holy Knight bookmark and that he’d seen it in Elliot’s books already, sometimes on his nightstand next to a single statice flower.  
If only Elliot hadn’t-

Charlie wasn’t there.

“Oh? Little Charlie isn’t here, is she?”

Vincent stating the obvious didn’t exactly make Gilbert feel better about any of this. She wasn’t here. Not anywhere in her room.

Had she left?  
Surely, she hadn’t, right? But what if she had? What if she had had enough of him and just left as soon as she had gotten the chance?   
No, that couldn’t possibly be the case… right?  
His thoughts continued racing for another few seconds, his gaze flying into every corner again, to check that she truly was gone.

“Wow, calm down, Gil. She’s probably just in the bathroom or something.”

“No... What if she _left_ me?”, he asked, steadying himself by putting his hand onto the door handle, ready to leave and look for her if necessary.

All the emotions came crashing down on him. He wouldn’t be able to deal with her gone. He’d never see her smile again or hear her laugh or see her happy face when she ate his soup.

“Gilbert, seriously.”

And then, Vincent laughed, too. Gilbert hated every single second of it; it felt belittling, as if Vincent was actually laughing about him and he knew that this was the case.  
Because it was Vincent and Vincent always laughed about him, especially when he was close to having a breakdown.

“When I came back I expected you to, I don’t know, have a girlfriend or something, maybe. I’d never have thought that you’d turn out to be such a loving and doting father! You’ve only known this kid for a few months!”

He almost physically felt something snap inside of him – it was almost like an explosion going off, making his entire body burn.

“You don’t know how it felt to see her on the streets, Vincent! She was so miserable! She was barely even there! There was nothing except for this small pile of clothes in the mud on a damned street!”

His lip was quivering and still he didn’t stop talking and he knew he would regret every single second of it as soon as he calmed down.

“I can’t bear to lose her, Vince. She means everything to me. I think she might be my salvation. I don’t need a girlfriend or anything of the like if she’s there. I can finally make up for what I’ve done wrong all my life.”

Vincent’s smile was slowly dropping.

“I’m so incredibly sorry for wanting to leave you on the street when we were kids. And now I can make up for it. Finally. And- of course I don’t care about her only because of this”, he added quickly, “she’s… she’s like a daughter to me already. I don’t exactly knows how it feels to be a father because technically I’m not one, but… I think that this is it. If she ever brings a boy home, I’m going to cry because then she won’t need me anymore!”

His voice trailed off towards the end and the heat creeped into his cheeks again, realizing what he had just said.  
Vincent, however, simply put his hand to Gilbert’s shoulder again.

“I know.”

And that was all he had to say, really. Gilbert wouldn’t have wanted to hear more. An ‘I know’ said with a sober expression was good enough.

“She isn’t gone, Gil. She loves you just as much as you love her. I bet that if she had heard those words, she would have actually cried of joy. Well, at least I would have, if I was your daughter.”

And now, there was this mocking edge in his voice again, trying to drive Gilbert wild, but now he felt strangely calm.  
He wouldn’t give Vincent that success.

“I surely am glad you are not.”

Gilbert knocked on the door to Leo’s room and the sound of the piano playing stopped all at once.

“Do come in”, Leo said, his voice sounding kind of happy and open and not as dark as it usually did. 

Almost a little bit as if Elliot was still with him.

Gilbert opened the door and looked inside the room, a relief so huge washing over him that it almost knocked him off his feet. There she was, sitting on the chair in front of the piano right next to Leo, her legs too short to reach the floor, the red ribbons in her braids loosened and almost falling off, her hands resting on the white keys of the piano.  
Vincent behind him made a ‘pff’ sound, obviously meant to ridicule him. But Gilbert wasn’t ashamed that he had said that Charlie was like a daughter to him. It was simply the truth.

“There you are. I’ve been searching all over the mansion for you and no one saw you! Doug didn’t and Lottie also didn’t and I wasn’t even able to find Leo in the first place!”

He stepped towards her, kneeling down in front of the seat and taking one of her hands away from the piano to capture it in his.

“You scared me for a moment, Charlie.”

The girl just stared at him and chuckled, a slight, mocking grin spreading across her face.

Had she adapted that from Leo? From Lottie? Or already from Vincent? 

“Did you think I would leave?”, she asked, Gilbert bit his lip and flinched back when she knocked her head into his. It was soft enough to not really hurt, but Gilbert was too shocked for a moment.  
But nothing would be able to turn that feeling of relief into pain, anyways.

“You’ve become cocky”, he mumbled and she laughed again, standing up and hugging his waist. Gilbert put his hand onto her shoulder and smiled when she stepped onto his feet to reach up a little higher.  
She was light enough to not hurt, at least.

“I just thought that the piano sounds really beautiful when Leo plays it. And you know, I’ve only ever heard him play with one hand, so I decided to be his second one-“

Gilbert snorted, laughing into his hand. Nobody in this room would get why he was laughing.  
Nobody knew for just how long he had been Break’s second eye, taking care of him, following him, using him and being used in return.  
Stupid mad hatter.  
And then he was gone, just like that, and Gilbert hadn’t even been there in his last moments.  
Break would probably never forgive him if he knew.

“It’s ok. So, you want to learn the piano?”, he asked, tightening both ribbons as much as it was possible with only one hand, then he heard Leo standing up.

He walked to them, too, and put his hand into Charlie’s hair, patting her once.  
Gilbert almost envied her because of how much affection she received from everyone in the house. But she deserved it. She was a clever, bright little kid who was slowly becoming cocky.

“Yes, god, and how she wants to play the piano, Gilbert! She begged me for almost half an hour! And I’m not a good teacher at all and I told her that but she still kept begging me, so I gave in. How could I not?”

The last sentence was only mumbled by him with red cheeks.

“So, you already replaced me as your second hand, I see”, Vincent noted, sarcasm layered in his voice but the corners of his mouth which were pulled upwards in the slightest betrayed him.

“Well, you’re barely ever there. And I think that Charlie will be better than you in a few months, so yes, you’re going to be replaced any time soon”, was the answer that left Leo’s mouth coldly enough to make a shiver run down Gilbert’s spine.  
He supposed Vincent and Leo still had many issues to solve between them.

“Leo told me that I’m really good, Gil! He said I’m a natural at it! But I know I can’t ever replace…”

She went silent just as everyone else in the room.

Her gaze wandered towards the picture on Leo’s nightstand of Elliot and for a moment, Leo’s eyes hardened, he blinked, shut them close for a second.  
How much had he told Charlie? Had he told her anything at all, or was she just clever enough to pick up on the emotions of others? Probably the last point. She was a child of misfortune; she had witnessed all the cruelty that existed in the world, she had probably learned to read people like open books to know whom to trust.

“Look”, Leo rasped out, then he cleared his throat, watching her softly as her cheeks grew red in embarrassment about what she had just said.

“Nobody could ever replace Elliot. No one in the entire world. Not Gilbert, not Vincent, not you. But you’re filling the hole the he left. Just a little, but you’re filling it. Tomorrow at the same time, ok? We can play ‘twinkle twinkle little star’ again, if you want.”

Charlie nodded right away, grasping onto Gilbert’s hand.

“Please! And one day when I’m good enough, you’ll teach me those other two songs you often play, ok?”

She meant ‘Lacie’ and ‘Statice’, didn’t she? Gilbert would probably break out into tears if she ever heard her play them, be it together with Leo or alone. For now, she would probably stay his second hand.  
Just like he had been Break’s second eye.

The possibility of her living for another ninety-six years was extremely low but oh, oh how much he hoped that Alice and Oz could listen to her one day.

“Sure. But for now, we’ll stick to the easy ones, Charlie.”


	14. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me: *makes Gilbert cry all the time*  
Me: hmm I do wonder if it's getting a bit too much  
Gilbert: *literally cries 24/7 in canon*  
Me: ,,,ah. right
> 
> yeah so here goes chapter 13 :DD we're getting closer to the end with every single chapter I,, I'm going to cry when this is finished I guess

> You were gone too soon  
Shine on, shine on

### 

Chapter 13

### 

> You're so much more than just a "loved one".

His breathing was slightly irregular, his hands were sweaty and if he didn’t fear being a coward so much, he wouldn’t be doing this. Lottie was pale herself and if Gilbert wasn’t so terribly preoccupied with himself, he would tell her to lie down.  
But there was no way in hell he would take care of someone else now.

This was long overdue and now him, Lottie and Doug had made the decision to tell her, so they were going to do it.  
Well, not Doug, since he wasn’t exactly much of a talker – but Gilbert and Lottie would.

Charlie had been living with them for half a year now. That wasn’t the span of time in which people underwent a noticeable physical change, but after one, two or three years, she would eventually realize that they weren’t changing at all.

She had just come home from school and her piano lesson with Leo would only be in two hours, so they had some time at least. Which should be enough.  
By now, Gilbert wasn’t exactly afraid of her leaving anymore. She was always by his side, learning from him, learning how to make scrambled eggs or pancakes or how to solve her mathematics homework.   
She was with him all the time, making him feel that maybe life had more of a purpose than simply being a story for other people’s enjoyment.

“Are you two ok?”, she asked, looking at Lottie who was clearly overwhelmed with the whole situation.

Even if Gilbert didn’t fear her leaving him anymore, he did fear that she would be weirded out by Baskervilles or by how they worked or that she would think it’s a stupid joke.

“Just fine”, he answered, walking into the room they used as some kind of living room and pulling a chair towards the table.   
Lottie did the same, let herself fall right next to Gilbert with their thighs touching-  
Gilbert died just a little bit more on the inside. He still didn’t have the guts to confess and he supposed that it would stay the same for some time, that maybe, he wouldn’t ever gather the courage to do it.

Charlie sat down in front of them, throwing both a glance with one of her eyebrows cocked up.  
Now that he was sitting in front of her like this, Gilbert noticed that she had grown. Her hair was longer and fuller, she wasn’t that scrawny anymore, she had gotten taller and her feet almost reached the ground when she sat on one of their chairs.

“Are you trying to tell me that you’re going to get married or something of the like?”

Gilbert flinched, shrinking below the gaze of that almost eight years old girl who had apparently seen right through him. Or maybe it was just a tease? He didn’t know. 

Lottie raked her hand through her hair, then massaged her temples, Gilbert almost thought that he could hear her heartbeat now that she was so close.

“No, I can guarantee you that that’s not the case.”

And ouch, that hurt more than Gilbert would’ve like to admit. Of course he wouldn’t marry Lottie – she didn’t even love him back after all. But still he didn’t succeed at suffocating that little spark of hope inside of him that ignited again and again and it didn’t matter how often Lottie said something like this.  
He wouldn’t ever get over her if he didn’t tell her and heard it right from her, in the clearest way possible that she didn’t love him back and he knew that.  
But he couldn’t confess. That would hurt his pride – of course he barely even had any pride, but still. Some of it _was_ left after all.

“No, we’re not”, he sighed eventually, trying to mask his pain as much as he possibly could. Then, he looked at Charlie and her grin faded when she saw his serious expression.

“Has something serious happened?”

Again, he shook his head and Lottie ended up taking the initiative even though her hands were still trembling. Gilbert did remember how in the very beginning, she hadn’t been too happy about Charlie being with them despite not being a Baskerville. And now she was almost more nervous than him to tell her about the truth.

“No. Nothing in particular, anyhow. We just have to tell you about something important that we didn’t do yet because it isn’t exactly normal.”

She breathed in deeply, her shoulders brushing Gilbert’s arm in the process, causing him to realize how tiny she actually was.

“We’re afraid that you’re going to judge or leave us or something because it really, really isn’t normal.”

“I’ve seen chains killing my parents.”

It was a whisper with a tremble in her voice and tears slowly dropping off her eyelashes. She put her hands flat on the table, resisting the urge to push her fingers together to form a table, her palms were facing upward. She let herself feel - but the emotions didn't overwhelm her.

“There’s never going to be anything worse than that.”

Gilbert reached out his hand to take ahold of hers; she wrapped her fingers around his.

“And I like all of you. Nothing you’re going to tell me could ever change that, you do know that, right?” 

That seemed to push Lottie over the edge, eventually. She cleared her throat, then started talking.

“We have to tell you something about us Baskervilles. I’m sure you’ve heard at least some things, maybe they were right or wrong, maybe not, I don’t know. But basically-“

“Ah, that.”

Gilbert immediately looked up at her again, even though he had just been avoiding her gaze in fear that she would hate them despite her words, but the slight smile that was spreading across her face told him otherwise. Charlene was not a girl with hate inside of her. She was full of warmth, of happiness and of love. He knew that seeing people you loved die could do that. It would either drive you into madness, into desperation, or into a sadness that made you think.  
Think so much that you either lost your mind or ended up acknowledging every single little thing as something beautiful and worthy of existing.  
He was more than glad that Charlie had turned out to be the latter.

“It’s ok. If you want to talk to me about Chains and your role and the Abyss and life-span and such, I’ve already talked about that with Leo.”

“And he hasn’t even spent a single thought on maybe letting us know?”, Gilbert rasped out, his voice not properly working when all the tension slipped from his body at once.

Lottie let out a low, disappointed groan and promptly let her head fall onto Gilbert’s shoulder, then she hit his waist since his arm wasn’t exactly there to be beaten up anymore.  
A laugh slowly bubbled up in his throat and escaped. He grasped Charlie’s hand a little tighter.

“I swear, I worried for nothing at all! You don’t have any problem with that? At all?”

Charlie simply shook her head and Gilbert stood up to pull her into his arm after kneeling down. Her chin rested on his shoulder and she chuckled.

“You took me in despite my eyes. You took me in despite _everything_. Now stop being scared that I’ll leave you, it’s not happening. You’ll be stuck with me for however long I live. You know what’s… kind of calming to know? Maybe it’s very… egoistic to be thinking that way. But if all of you get super old, I don’t ever have to watch any of you die. I don’t have to experience all of this again.”

Gilbert hadn’t ever been close to his parents and while Charlie might not have had the best relationship with them, she hadn’t been sold as a slave by them.   
But he had lost Oswald and Oscar. So maybe he did know how it felt after all.

“It’s ok to be selfish once in a while. Some of us had to learn that the hard way. And some of us were so selfish that we thought we were doing it for others.”

Break when he was young. Vincent until Leo told him not to die. Gilbert until he finally realized that he was hurting Vincent so much more than he had originally thought.

“Just be honest with yourself, ok? Everything will be fine if you’re honest to yourself or others. Keeping a little secret is allowed, but you can tell us everything. I swear I won’t ever judge you. None of us will. We all went through some really horrible stuff.”

He did wonder why she had ended up with them, though, when she wasn’t a Baskerville.  
What had drawn her to go to Reveille? What had she been looking for? Was it just her feet carrying her a way to where they believed would be safety? 

“I know. Leo didn’t say anything specific, but I know that he was all alone when he was younger. He told me a lot about Elliot! I think I would’ve liked Elliot! He sounded like a really good guy! But… if there’s a cycle of being reborn… does that mean he can meet Leo again?”

Gilbert let go of her and realized how he had never actually thought about it.  
How he had never allowed himself to see the truth because of how heartbreaking it was.  
He would see Oz ad Alice again, he would search for them for years and years until he found them, but Leo-

Leo would-

He opened his mouth and once again, it was Lottie who managed to speak.

“No. There will be another Glen in whom Leo lives on soon enough.”

She stood up putting a hand onto Gilbert’s shoulder and the other onto his head. It didn’t stop his tears. Not even when Lottie was comforting him.

“But you know what, Charlie? We don’t have to see everyone again. Sometimes it’s enough to carry them in our hearts. And Leo does that. He won’t ever forget Elliot.”

Gilbert would need to go to him after this conversation. He had no idea what he wanted to say to him, but he needed to see him.

“I know.”

And again. She was just eight. She shouldn’t be acting more mature than he was. She wasn’t crying. She hadn’t even cried when she had said that she had seen her parents being brutally killed by chains out loud for the first time.

“Oh, but Gil?”

He looked up with his eyes being covered in dark circles, with wet stains all over his face once again. Gilbert cried so often it was ridiculous.

“You’ve never really told me about the blonde boy in the picture, but you two seem so close!”

More tears dripped down his cheek and Lottie behind him laughed, giving him a light slap to the back of his head.

“Stop crying, wimp. You’ve cried about Oz for nearly four years now, isn’t it enough? I swear, you’re such a crybaby and yet-“

She cut herself off and coughed, then knelt down too. Slowly, she put one of her arms around Gilbert, the other around Charlene and pulled all of them close.  
Maybe this really was the family he had longed for all his life. A woman who probably didn’t love him but was kind and energetic enough and looked terribly good in a ponytail and a small, eight years old girl who was the kindest human being he had ever met in his life.

And that was all he wanted.  
That was all he really _needed_.

“Leo.”

The playing of the piano slowly ceased, he played the rest of the song, just quieter, half of it missing because of his hand, while humming along quietly. Gilbert knew the song, but he couldn’t quite place a finger on it.

“Hm?”

“What were you playing?”

Leo smiled, brushing his fingertips against the hand-written sheet of music, then taking the ribbon out of his hair that held it together.

Would Elliot have had the same reaction to Leo in a ponytail as Gilbert had had with Lottie? Most probably. It suited him, too.

“Statice.”

Gilbert nodded. He still remembered Elliot playing that song at his mother’s birthday, his mother that he had later on-  
No. Elliot hadn’t been the one to kill his mother. It had been Humpty Dumpty who had felt that Glen was threatened and it had taken over Elliot’s body to protect him.  
Leo and Elliot had been in a far deeper relationship than they could ever have imagined to be in, probably. Then again, they had kissed. So they did know about how important they were to each other.

“Still. I’m sorry that I’ve never realized how much you loved him, Leo. Which is stupid, because I’ve been in love and I mean- I- I am… right now and all…”

Leo knew it anyways. Everyone probably did. Maybe even Lottie. That thought made him squirm to the point of just wanting to get out of his own skin or drown himself in cigarettes – both stuff that wasn’t exactly possible.  
Smoking would technically be possible, but Lottie would laugh at him for months and that, he didn’t want to imagine.

“Gilbert, you’re so stupid. Really. You’re apologizing for stuff that never bothered me in first place. If anything, I’m kind of glad that you didn’t realize it yourself. That way I was forced to tell someone. And sometimes, saying something out loud is the only thing that really helps, you know? I think I’d never have done it if it wasn’t for you. If you ever need someone to talk to, I’m here, you know that, right?”

Gilbert shook his head. There was nothing he needed to burden Leo with. Leo should focus on himself and on learning to cope with everything in a healthier way than keeping everything to himself.

“I’m fine. Actually, I just came here to thank you for telling Charlie. That’s everything. I’m not sure Lottie and I could have done it that easily. Or that… understandable. I mean, Charlie did seem to have a proper insight on it. And she’s just eight. Thanks, Leo.”

The boy did nothing except smiling, honestly, something that wasn’t too common for him.  
Maybe he was happy that Gilbert had told him “thank you”, instead of “I’m sorry” – a phrase that he would probably have preferred to hear from Elliot back then. 

“You’re welcome.”

Gilbert was already on his way out of the door to let Leo continue playing the piano, but suddenly there was a hand around his wrist.

“Gilbert- wait.”

“Hm?”

It was a very awkward hug when Leo wrapped his single arm around him and pulled himself closer.  
Leo wasn’t used to hugging people and it really showed – he didn’t know what to do and he was totally embarrassed by what he had done.  
And so, after just a few seconds, he let go, clearing his throat and then coughing slightly, his cheeks a deep red.

“Sorry, I just- wanted to tell you that… you’re like a big brother to me, too.”

“I swear, Elliot would have been proud of you.”

Leo rolled his eyes. “And I swear, once again, that he’d have nearly killed me for all of this."


	15. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This time I'm updating a bit quicker because of the current situation, so I obviously have more time. :')
> 
> Stay inside and stay safe!!!

> On to a better place  
Shine on, shine on

### 

Chapter 14

### 

> I can't even put it into words; just like no flower could ever express my feelings.

“I’m really sorry, we barely had any time. The new government is still heavily relying on us”, Sharon said, putting her arms around Gilbert tightly enough to make him run short on air. It was reassuring, though, that she had missed him that much.  
“It’s ok, Sharon. We were busy, too. And your letters were still very nice to read, really.”  
She let go of him, brushing her dress back into position again. While she might not be the tallest woman he knew, she had indeed grown, too. It had taken a while for her body to start growing again after forming the contract with Eques, but eventually, it had happened.  
Gilbert turned to Reim, pulling him into a one-armed hug.  
He would never stop being thankful for everything Reim had done back when Jack had destroyed the chains of the world, how he had been the key to everything eventually working out.  
And Barma, of course.  
“It’s good to see you, Gilbert”, he said, then turning to Lily with a scowl, “and you? Won’t you say hello?”  
Lily mumbled something along the lines of what Gilbert thought was supposed to be a greeting. She was sixteen. He didn’t blame her, really. She probably had better stuff to do than meeting up with old people.  
Then again, she had lived with them for some time after the incident and Lottie, Fang and Leo were her family. Gilbert might be a Baskerville, but he knew basically nothing about Lily, so he didn’t really count, did he?  
“Sorry. She’s a bit… exhausting those days”, Sharon said with raised eyebrows, “can we come in?”  
“Sure, the others are in the kitchen. I told Lottie to take care of the food, but I don’t exactly trust her with it, if I’m honest.”  
A slight grin appeared on Sharon’s face at the mention of her and Gilbert tried brushing the warmth out of his face – to no avail. Sharon was the devil when it came to romance and he did wonder why he had invited her of his own accord.  
Lily stepped into the mansion and walked straight towards the kitchen, no doubt searching for Lottie. Gilbert closed the door behind them.  
“Charlene is here, right? I’d love to meet her”, Sharon said, her voice a bit higher than usual, “although I can’t quite believe you just went and adopted a _kid_, Gilbert.”  
“It’s not official!”, he interfered right away, his cheeks glowing again – really, he got embarrassed way too easily.  
“I know, but that’s like, the same thing. I mean, there’s no real difference if you’ve officially adopted her or not, Gilbert. She lives with all of you, so that’s that.”  
They reached the kitchen and Lily was beaming again, clinging to Lottie like she had always done. They hadn’t seen each other in half a year and yes, probably it had been too long.  
Charlie was sitting on one of the chairs, looking at Lily as if she was… a little bit afraid. Gilbert understood – despite her having been all cold just a moment before, Lily was full of energy now, as always.  
Charlie just wasn’t like that. She was calm and collected most of the time, almost as if she was as old as he was. She did have fun, but she was still very introverted. Well, he couldn’t blame her. After being thrown out by her grandparents simply because of her connection to the abyss that wasn’t even that strong, that was probably normal. It was unfair.  
Life was unfair.  
But he had already learned that a long, long time ago.  
Sharon walked past him and straight up to Charlie, ignoring Leo, Doug and Lottie, not even looking at them.  
She sat down next to her and Charlie flinched a little. A reaction Gilbert could understand all too well. Sharon was indeed scary at times. But right now, she was smiling softly at her, reaching her hand out to take Charlie’s.  
Charlie took it much more quickly than she had taken Vincent’s; again, Gilbert couldn’t blame her for that, either.  
“I’m Sharon! Nice to meet you! The guy in the back there is Reim, my husband. The girl is Lily. Gilbert wrote a lot about you in his letters. I’m so glad I finally get to meet you!”  
Sharon was good with children. After Lily, that probably wasn’t a miracle. If there was a kid who was hard to deal with, it was her after all. He had heard about Lily wanting to destroy Break’s body from Lottie as revenge for Fang. He doubted Lottie had forgiven him, too. Killing someone was just too much.  
“My name’s- Charlene.”  
Gilbert decided to give them a bit of time and walked to the oven, turned it off and then signaled for Doug to help him get the cake out. He had learned to do that with one hand, too, but he didn’t want to unnecessarily burn himself. In comparison to burning off his entire arm, that would probably be nothing, though.  
Sharon had managed to spark up a somewhat casual conversation with Charlie already. Something about school, from what he understood. Reim was awkwardly shuffling between them, trying to help – probably him being Barma’s servant had stuck even after all this time. It was the case for Gilbert too, so he understood.  
“Reim”, he addressed him, “you can make everyone else sit down, if you need something to do. To be honest, everyone walking around in the kitchen makes me extremely nervous.”  
Reim obliged, clapping his hands so loudly once that everyone immediately went quiet.  
“Sit down.”  
Leo giggled at that but did what he had been told, just like all the others. Sharon ended up forcing Lily to sit next to Charlene – both girls apparently weren’t too happy about that. It was probably hard on her, seeing Lottie taking care of another kid. Lily might be sixteen, but she was still a teenager. She was jealous.  
Oh, if Gilbert knew about _any_ kind of feeling, it was jealousy, that much was sure. He had been jealous all his life. Jealous of every kid who didn’t have a brother with a red eye, jealous of Alice…  
It was too much to list, really.  
“All of you are going to eat that cake slowly, though. It’s still warm.”  
He placed the plate onto the table and Charlie and Leo were already raising their forks, until Lottie shot them a look.  
“Leo, would you maybe try to be a role model, at least? Or is that too much to ask? You’re twenty.”  
Leo wrinkled his nose and for a moment, Gilbert actually believed that he would stick his tongue out at Lottie.  
“Alright, mum”, he said, earning him another angry glare, “now, dad is going to give us our cake, right? God, the two of you are like an old married couple who are trying to raise a bunch of hopeless children.”  
And that earned him a glare from Gilbert, too. Was Leo really trying to play _matchmaker_ for him, now of all things? With Sharon here? That was a disaster.  
Gilbert took in a deep breath. He should stay calm. It was ok. It was just one of Leo’s stupid jokes. Nothing more, nothing less. If he reacted in an embarrassed way now, it would be obvious.  
“I agree. All of you are indeed hopeless.”  
Leo raised his eyebrows in surprise at the collected reaction and even Sharon from beside Charlie opened her mouth slightly.  
With a side-glance cast at Lottie, he realized that she was blushing, in contrast to him.  
“Please never call me ‘mum’ again, Leo”, she said, “I swear, this is the weirdest thing you’ve ever done. Don’t do it again. This was seriously scary.”  
Leo laughed again, earning a weird look from Sharon now. Right. Leo had gradually become better since Charlie had started living with them, as if the burden of Elliot’s death was slowly being lifted off him.  
After all this time, he was finally feeling better.  
“All of you seem happy”, Reim noted as Gilbert sat down and took a piece of cake himself, everyone went quite for a moment.  
“Yeah”, Charlie eventually said, breaking the silence, “I’ve never been this happy before.”  
Gilbert almost lost it. For once, he didn’t start crying. He just leaned over the table, put his hand into her hair and ruffled it exactly once.  
“Lily, would you maybe stop putting your fork into the cake without picking it up?”, Sharon sighed, Lily put it down.  
“I’m not hungry.”  
“You did say you were hungry already an hour ago. If you’re trying to lie to me, do it cleverly, at least. Reminds me of when you lied about that boy at school, too.”  
For a moment, Gilbert believed that Lily would freak out like she had done back then, but as soon as Lottie turned to her, she seemed way happier.  
She definitely was jealous and didn’t even try to hide it.  
“Lily? I do want an explanation for that one”, Lottie said and Charlie next to her just continued eating her cake, more than obviously disinterested in a story about boys. Gilbert remembered what it felt like to not be interested in anyone romantically. Then… Ada had happened.  
He internally cringed at the memory resurfacing, especially now that he had… a similar problem with Lottie.  
Lily lit up, ready to tell the story that she had once lied about.  
Sharon put her hand to her face, shielding herself from Lily’s sight. She sighed and grinned at Gilbert, mouthing a ‘good god, that helped’.  
Gilbert, too, was indeed relieved. The tension had been unbearable and even Charlie seemingly relaxed when Lily didn’t express her hatred towards her that clearly anymore.  
The next few minutes passed in a blur – Reim finally felt comfortable enough to spark up a conversation with Gilbert, and Lily was more than preoccupied with telling Lottie about her crush. Which was natural, although Gilbert still hadn’t quite understood that she was sixteen now.  
If Charlie had a crush too when she became sixteen, he would have to sit down in his bedroom for at least three hours and cry.  
Meanwhile, Sharon had taken the chance to talk to Charlie now that Lily wasn’t paying attention. Gilbert only caught a few words because he was talking to Reim about the current politics and the abyss, but it seemed to be about basic stuff. What books she liked, what she had already learned on piano, what her favourite food was.  
“By the way, I think that man who was next to you and Reim in that picture looked really kind”, Charlie suddenly said, one of those smiles on her face that showed Gilbert once more that this kid was clever but definitely didn’t know Sharon enough to maybe not bring up that topic. It had been a rathe long time since he had seen Sharon now. He didn’t know how she would react to Break being mentioned.  
The whole table suddenly went quiet and Charlie, obviously embarrassed by that, grabbed her fork and played around with it to have at least some kind of distraction.  
Her cheeks slowly became red as more time passed and eventually, with a trembling voice, she spoke up again: “Sorry… if that was a rude thing to say. I just… he seemed nice, ok? Sorry. Really, I’m sorry.”  
Another wave of relief washed over Gilbert when Sharon started scowling as if there was a bug in her cake.  
“Wow, so that is the biggest misconception I’ve ever heard. That guy was a disaster. He wasn’t nice at all. He only ate candy. Practically. Lied all the time. He was an absolute idiot.”  
Gilbert couldn’t stop the chuckle from coming up in his throat because hearing Sharon talk like that, about her so beloved Break, was actually funny to him. Because she was so right with everything she said.  
“He never did his paperwork either”, Reim jumped in, “he was so irresponsible and a really big egoist.”  
Lottie looked around the table and eventually stood up – Gilbert thought that it was probably to make more tea. Of course, he hadn’t made enough, _again_.  
“Now, gossiping about the dead isn’t too nice of a thing to do”, Leo mentioned, a grin on his face anyways, “man, he was responsible for my arm though.”  
Poor little Charlie seemed totally confused now, wondering what exactly she had kicked off there. She was good at reading moods, but it was probably a bit too much to ask from an eight years-old to understand that none of them were being completely serious.  
“It’s fine, Charlie”, he said, casting a glance at her that was supposed to calm her down, “we all love Break very much, don’t worry. He really was weird, though.”  
Yeah, that was probably the first time he was loudly admitting that he had liked Break, as annoying as he had been.  
Break had done so much for every single one of them that it was hard not to like him, actually.  
“O-ok…?”, she asked and suddenly, Sharon was sniffing and then awkwardly pulled a tissue out of small bag.  
“Sorry”, she mumbled, “I’m just so glad that we can all agree on how dumb Break was. Really. I’m fine, don’t look at me like that!”  
Reim looked to the floor for a moment, then reached out to her and took her hand, Gilbert couldn’t help but feel slightly jealous of how both of them had a ring on their fingers, symbolizing their close relationship.  
He wouldn’t ever get to marry. Especially not the woman he loved.  
“It’s fine. Cry all you want.”  
Reim knew her more than well enough.  
Steps behind him signalized that Lottie was coming in and she had probably only heard a little bit of their conversation – still, she placed the tea onto the table and leant down to Gilbert’s ear.  
Which was already more than enough to make him question his sanity because this was not ok, he would die, he could feel her damned breath against his neck and it drove the heat to his cheek for everyone to see.  
“She really did love Break, didn’t she?”  
Gilbert nearly slammed his fork into his cake and destroyed it like Break himself would have. That was an information no one had ever told him about and he himself, of course, had not noticed.  
“I heard that, Lottie”, Sharon remarked and Lottie, just waving at her once with her hand, returned to where she had sat before.  
Gilbert had little to no idea as to how close those two were. They were friends, yes, but he thought that maybe, Lottie had gone too far now.  
Then again, it was probably true, right? Now that he thought about it, every single one of Sharon’s actions had been driven on by the need to be close to Break and at one point, Lottie had already asked Reim if he had only married her as a substitute for Break. Which he had answered with a very vague ‘no, well, maybe a bit, but I love her’.  
Well.  
Suddenly, everything made an incredible lot of sense.  
“Gilbert didn’t pick up on that, of course”, Lottie sighed, causing Leo to look at her for just a moment longer than Gilbert would’ve liked.  
“Well, it’s been years, so let’s not go into details about that, yeah?”, Sharon said, wiping away her last tears and then, absent-mindedly combing through Charlie’s hair with one hand, she started grinning.  
It was an honest one, not a fake one. All of them were finally healing.  
After all those years, their souls were finally patched back together again, just a little bit, just enough to make life worth living.  
And that was beautiful, in a way.  
Sharon cleared her throat and, exchanging a glance with Leo, started talking again.  
“I do wonder when Lottie and Gilbert will announce their marriage though.”  
Again, Gilbert nearly massacred his cake.  
So, that had gone too far.  
Way too far.  
“What?” he mouthed, not daring to look at Lottie now – Leo’s ugly smirk from the side was more than enough for him already.  
“Why does everyone go on about that?”, Lottie joined in on his confusion, her voice a little bit shriller than usually and Gilbert did look up in the end.  
His gaze was always drawn back to her, no matter what he did. She was flustered, too. Great, that gave him a hope he didn’t ask for, didn’t want.  
“I mean, you two would make a really cute couple!”  
“Charlie!”, Gilbert shrieked, burying his face in his hands, “please. Please not you, too. I can’t deal with this.”  
“Actually, I would support this!”  
“Lily…!”, Lottie shrieked, too.  
This was the most embarrassing situation he had ever been in. If he hadn’t just concluded that life was worth living now, he would have thrown himself out of the window. This was just too much for him to bear. They couldn’t expose him like this. Not when marrying Lottie was all he could ever dream of.  
“So, for real now. When will you two marry?”, Sharon asked, just making everything so much worse for him and Lottie, too, because she did not love him. Of course she didn’t. And that was fine, that was completely fine by him – or at least that was what he kept telling himself.  
What was not fine, however, was Sharon mocking him like this.  
“But we’re not even in- in- in-“, he began stuttering and, with a disappointed glance at how he wasn’t even able to finish the sentence, Lottie added the last word.  
“We’re not even in _love_. Why should we marry?”  
Charlie reached behind Sharon’s back and patted Gilbert’s lower pat as an expression of her pity, earning a grin from Lily.  
Ah. At least those two were bonding over his suffering, how great.  
“Well, that’s an absolute shame then”, Leo’s voice was strange, it was somewhere between singing and talking. Or: it sounded absolutely ridiculous. “I mean, you two would be really, really cute. Just imagine! We’d finally have a mum and a dad in this family!”  
Gilbert took in a very deep breath.  
“I hate all of you”, he muttered and he wanted to mean it, wanted to actually hate them just for this afternoon, but he didn’t succeed.  
No matter how much they might expose him, he loved all of them so very dearly that it almost broke his heart.


	16. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that this took longer again, but I was writing the oneshots for Pandora Hearts week :') Actually, I wrote the entirety of this chapter yesterday. I was hyped for this one, ok, fine. the next chapter I'm yearning to write is the second one after this so ajfhajghadfghj I still have a few weeks left before school starts, apparently (Germany wants us to go back rather quickly though but it's probably not going to be full-time, so I'll still have plenty of time to write I guess), so the next chapter will probably be max a week wait. ^^
> 
> So yeah, this is a bit longer (a bit, he says - it's 4.2k words asdfghjkl), enjoy!
> 
> Please stay safe!!!
> 
> (Note that I'm mentioning panic attacks here and when I was younger every mention of them made me a bit icky, so yeah just saying ^^ there are other, very subtle mentions of some stuff but they're so subtle I don't think they need a trigger warning or anything of the like ajdfgdhag because they're not REALLY mentioned. just hinted at. I guess.)

> We'll never be the same, shine on, shine on.

### 

Chapter 15

### 

> You saved my life.

Gilbert woke up, his eyes snapping open, sweat running down his forehead, right into the pillow. His back was damp, too. For a moment, all he hoped to do was to regain consciousness.   
He felt sick nearly to the point of throwing up. The stench of blood was still in his nose, his back still hurt even though no one had actually hurt him.  
He was fairly used to phantom pain, especially in his arm – but his back was a new one. The scar had faded a long time ago, his body had healed it almost right after the sword had slashed it open.  
Still, he couldn’t shake the feeling of something being wrong. 

It had only been a dream and he knew that. It was always this way. Sometimes, he would have nightmares about the tragedy of Sablier or the weird men he had encountered in his childhood.  
Jack stabbing him was a dream that didn’t occur too often. But when it did, he was immediately filled with feelings of blame, mostly related to how he hadn’t managed to protect Oswald. Or how he had had to hold on to Vincent, how he had forgotten everything about his past which could have helped him and Oz and Alice-

There was no use in thinking about it again. It was stupid to think too much about the past without really living in the present, but it had always been rather hard on him to get himself up after those dreams.

Maybe he should just stand up and distract himself from the sickness and the trembling in his hands that he only noticed now.  
His heart was beating in his chest as if he had run for an entire night, but instead it had just been a stupid _dream_.

A look to the clock told him that it was four in the morning. Three hours at most until the others would wake up. Three hours to wander around completely lost and alone because he would not wake someone up just because he wasn’t feeling well.  
Honestly, company would probably help him right now. But he couldn’t bring himself to go and disturb someone’s sleep at an ungodly hour like this just to calm him down.

He sat up in his bed, groaning at his head spinning as if he was being sucked into the Abyss once again.  
Part of him still wished that was the case. Maybe he could just rot down there. It would be better for everyone-  
Charlie.  
Was Charlie fine? She was sleeping in her room tonight, that, he remembered from the evening. A completely irrational fear overtook him all of a sudden. He knew for a fact she was fine, but what if she was not? He swallowed, then stood up shakily. His knees were buckling below his weight. It was fine. He would just go check on her and let her sleep. Then, maybe, he would be calm enough to go back to sleep himself.  
Yeah, sure, that was a good solution.  
Gritting his teeth, he denied the fact that he wasn’t going to go back to sleep tonight and just tell his mind that he would in a rather stupid attempt to calm his fear. 

He walked out of his room, only wearing his pyjamas. Walking was terribly exhausting, but at least that meant that his mind was occupied with something else apart from the endless spiral of thoughts that would swallow him otherwise.  
Of Oswald and Jack and Vincent and Break and Oz and-

He told himself to stop, bit his lip and slowly opened the door to her room, paying attention to make no noise or sounds at all. As much as that was possible, at least. His entire body was shaking, so pressing down the door handle wasn’t exactly the easiest task at hand.  
The door creaked open and he glanced into the room, the small candle on her desk was still burning, lighting it up just enough to show him that she was still there, sleeping in her bed, the blanket rising with each breath.  
Charlie was fine.

His eyes burnt because of the sweat slowly dripping into them, his heavy breathing didn’t seem to stop even now.   
A sudden wave of panic rushed through him, almost knocked him off his feet and he closed the door, then held onto the wall for a few seconds, trying to breath in calmly.  
He didn’t manage. Sometimes, it all became too much and he would be left like this, panicking over nothing even though he was completely fine physically, completely safe.  
It was stupid.

His feet pretty much took off on their own. It was just another damned reflex of his to go walking somewhere when he was feeling like this – the classical fight or flight response, he guessed.  
So, he strolled through the mansion, again and again, completely losing track of time. He tried to keep his steps light, but with his heart beating so loudly that he barely even heard them, he probably wasn’t succeeding. 

It was tiring and then, at last, his heartbeat started to go slower and his breathing returned to something more normal. The thoughts left him, just a little. As soon as those attacks came, they left again, but sometimes it took way too long to his likings. He slumped against a wall where he was standing, not paying attention to where he actually was, just sinking down along it and taking a few deep breaths.

Finally. He could finally get some rest – sleep was off-limits, though.

He closed his eyes, raking a hand through his tousled hair and stretching out his legs. All of his muscles hurt from the trembling, so he supposed that this had gone on for more than half an hour. He needed a cigarette, god, how much he needed one right now.  
It’s been four years since his last and once, just this once definitely wouldn’t hurt. Well, maybe it would, but both Lottie and Charlie would kick his ass to Sablier and back if he started smoking again, so there wasn’t even a chance of him developing a serious addiction again.   
The three cigarettes he kept in the lowest drawer of his nightstand were in his room. And that was too far. He needed a damned break. For a few more minutes, he contemplated whether standing up was worth getting a cigarette and he came to the conclusion that no, it wasn’t.

Slowly, he opened his eyes again and took in his surroundings. It was the corridor where Elliot’s old room had been in. Actually, he was sitting right next to it.  
Leo’s room.  
Nowadays, it was his.   
No matter how often he would’ve burned his arm that sealed him to Raven and to the Baskervilles, he would probably not be able to get rid of that habit – always coming back to Glen as if he was the sun himself, as if he was the center of the universe.

“_Hey._”

Gilbert flinched at that voice and at first – with his ringing ears – he thought it was Leo because well, he was right in front of his room. He almost relaxed when he noticed who it was.

“Lottie”, he stated at the woman standing in front of him in a long nightgown and a destroyed ponytail.  
He hadn’t noticed her coming. The noise in his ears was still too loud and he realized now that he really couldn’t afford to be that vulnerable.   
She looked back down at him, raising an eyebrow and crossing her arms in front of her chest, hugging herself. Well, it was probably a little too cold for just a nightgown, especially in a big mansion like that. It wasn’t as if a few chimneys could warm up a house that big.  
Loose strands were hanging out of her ponytail, in front of her eyes, down her back. There were bags under her eyes from waking up too early and going to sleep too late.  
She was cute.  
Gilbert could have slapped himself for thinking that. Sharon had been way too obvious. And Leo too. Lottie probably knew – he wasn’t really helping when staring at her like that.   
He looked onto the floor again.

“What are you doing here? It’s half past four.”

“Well, I could ask you the same”, he said, pushing himself up with his hand just a little to seem at least a little bit less.   
Lottie sighed and crouched down in front of him so that they were almost at the same eye level.

“I heard someone walking by my room and woke up because of it. I just went to check whether someone was trying to steal something or if it was just Leo doing on of his nightly walks to the graveyard.”

Gilbert directed his gaze to his own naked foot. He had pretended to not know about Leo’s habits. He’d thought that he only went to the grave on Sundays. But yeah, it made sense.  
The grave was way too beautiful for that.  
Maybe this was just his way of dealing with it. And maybe that was better than walking around in a mansion for half an hour without a goal at all and just waking up everyone in the process.

“No, it’s… just me”, he said.

Suddenly, he began to feel like a little child again.  
He had used to do the same thing back then, in Sablier, when he was supposed to become the next Glen. Every time he woke up because of nightmares, he would go to Oswald’s room in search of comfort and maybe a glass of warm water. Ok, it had always been supposed to be tea, but Oswald was terrible at making it, so it had either been disgusting or well, hot water without any taste at all.  
But somehow, this had calmed him.  
And then, he had done it with Oz and Oswald. He hadn’t woken them up, though – it simply hadn’t been his place to do so. Just sitting in front of their doors for some time had been enough to calm his racing heart and sweaty palms.

“Yeah, well, I can see that. You do look miserable. Are you ok? You’re terribly pale, Gil.”

His nickname. If he wasn’t feeling that incredibly weak, he would probably have been blushing by now.

“I-“, he began, but couldn’t bring himself to go on. If he told Lottie about his nightmares, she would feel responsible for him, probably. Or think that he was stupid for still having nightmares after all those years that had passed. 

“Nightmares?”, she asked, practically reading his thoughts. When there was no reaction from him, she rolled her eyes but still smiled.  
“Fine. Can you stand up? I’ll make you some tea and we can talk about it if you want to. If you don’t, you’ll have company at least.”

She had read his thoughts, hadn’t she?  
Well, Lottie wasn’t a psychic. He was probably just being obvious.

She stood up, stretching and Gilbert realized once more that she was so beautiful. Everything about her was simply perfect. He couldn’t imagine this feeling to ever go away, the slight fluttering of his heart, the uncomfortable yet cozy warmth he felt every time she was around-  
Sharon, Leo and Vincent would so laugh at him if they knew what he was thinking.  
The feeling had stopped with Ada and with Dahlia. Maybe it would stop with Lottie, too. Maybe, in a few years, he would laugh at those feelings and look back at a pathetic young man who had gotten himself into trouble because of it.  
A small part of him, however, was screaming that this might not be the case, that for her, the feelings would stay, would grow stronger with each passing day and slowly shift into actual love.

For Gilbert, being in love and loving someone where two different things.  
Loving someone was a much deeper emotion. Something that wasn’t just butterflies in your stomach or heat in your face, but something more.  
A feeling of pure trust and reliability, that you would be able to go to the other every single time something was wrong and that you would try to find a solution.  
Love, for him, was something that meant one person being the world and the world dying alongside this person when the end was near.  
Leo had loved Elliot.  
Leo had lost his _entire world_ when Elliot had died and been buried in his own blood in a mansion of another country just to save Oz.

Lottie had reached her hand out to him and without another thought he took it and let her help him up.  
Maybe being weak once in a while wasn’t something too bad. Maybe he could get used to that – just her trying to comfort him when really, her presence was everything he needed.  
Yeah, so maybe he wasn’t exactly in love with her. Maybe this was starting to change into something deeper.

Her hand was warm.

Soon, he was standing, his knees still buckling and his muscles still hurting. But it was fine because she was with him.   
Only now did Gilbert realize that he was, in fact, holding Lottie’s hand. And that evoked an emotional turmoil in him which was basically just two questions: Should he let go first or should he wait for her to let go?  
If he let go too early, maybe she would think that he thought that she was unlikeable. Which she was not.  
If he let go too late, she would know what was up.  
Well, she probably did already. Sharon and Leo hadn’t exactly kept quiet.  
Some seconds passed and his thumb was still placed on her knuckles, his fingers still wrapped around his.  
And this was definitely too long.  
He let go of her hand as if he was holding a hot pan or something, then tried to think of something to do with it to use that as a reason for having pulled away.  
He ended up scratching his neck.  
Which was probably not the best decision, because it made him look like a complete dumbass.

Lottie looked at him, a little irritated.   
He had just held Lottie’s hand.  
It was a bit hard to banish the grin from his face, but he succeeded after a while. Lottie shook her head, then pointed into the vague direction of her room.

“Will you come with me now or not? I’ve bought really good black tea on the market last week. Maybe that’ll calm you down a bit.”

Without waiting for him, she just began walking towards her room, along the corridor, with her pink hair all over her back.  
At least she wasn’t able to see him this way, so Gilbert allowed that smile to slip back onto his lips.  
They’d held hands.  
He wasn’t sure if that really counted as holding hands in a general sense, but for him, it did.

Gilbert stood around in Lottie’s room a little awkwardly before she told him to sit down on the small sofa she had bought two years ago.  
Her room smelled of perfume and of roses. And now, of black tea.

“I lied”, she whispered and he looked at her even when she sat down next to him with two cups in her hands, handing him the blue one.

“Huh?”

“I lied. I didn’t wake up because of you. I had a nightmare myself. We’re in the same boat. Except that I didn’t run through the mansion nearly as long as you did and I don’t look nearly as beat up as you do.”

Gilbert took a sip from his tea. It really was good. And somehow, it was calming to hear that Lottie had nightmares, too.  
He knew that all of them did. And yet, he kept feeling lonely about it with any reason at all.

“Gilbert, I’m being serious. You shouldn’t hate yourself so much. It’s visible to everyone, but there’s no reason for it at all. Look. I know how it feels to not like yourself.”

His first reaction was to object, almost to blurt out how that was not true because someone as amazing as her probably didn’t even think about the few bad sides she had – but it wasn’t true.  
He didn’t know anything about her past.

The tea calmed him down, the warmth relaxed his body.  
Gilbert didn’t know what to answer, so he decided not to. He felt that if he did, he would probably just burst into tears and that wasn’t exactly what he wanted.

“I thought that Charlie might change that habit. That girl adores you, Gilbert. And if anyone’s opinion counts, it’s the one of a child. And she genuinely loves you, I swear. Leo likes you a lot, too. I do. Vincent does. Damnit, Gilbert we all love you, when will you finally understand?”

He never put down his tea, even when everything spilled out at once, everything he hadn’t even been able to tell Oz about because he hadn’t wanted to burden him.

“It’s just-“, he began and practically broke, “I thought that I was better. I swear I was. When Oz came back everything was perfectly fine and I told myself that I wouldn’t lose him. And look, I’m not nearly as much in despair as I was when he first disappeared. But it’s just… I miss him and Alice and all the others. It’s hard. I tried to tell myself that I’m going to see them again, but fact is, I don’t know. Maybe I’ve lost them forever. I’ll search for them in ninety-five years, I swear to everyone that I will. But sometimes everything seems hopeless. And then all those nightmares of all those disgusting pieces of filth-“

He hated it when he used expressions like those because he was talking about humans- but were those people really humans?  
Was it really human what they had done to him and Vincent?

“who did all this… awful stuff… and it hurts. Every damned time. Sometimes, I think I would’ve been off better if I’d forgotten everything. But I know that it’s technically good to remember. And then Oswald took me in and it was all fine and I loved him so much. He was practically my dad, Lottie. And then he was gone and I was in a completely new family and Oz and Oscar were there and now they’re both gone, too. And I just hate myself so much. I wasn’t able to protect them. I wasn’t able to save them and that must mean that I’m weak. And overall, just everything hurts so much sometimes. It’s unbearable. It’s such a long time till Oz comes back. And, I mean… Charlie’s helped me a lot. Maybe I’m not as bad as I think I might be. But no matter what I do, it ends up being stupid or irrational or painful…! I have those nightmares so damn often and they won’t leave and all I want is to finally be happy! I’ve never wanted to die, Lottie. I’ve always wanted to live, I swear. Just for Oz and all the other people I like… but what if I’m just a burden and-“

Lottie stood up without saying anything, opened her wardrobe and for a moment, Gilbert thought she would throw him out for talking so much nonsense, but after searching in it for a few seconds, he heard an all too familiar sound of a match being rubbed against its box.  
When Lottie returned, she sucked on a cigarette exactly once, then breathed the smoke out, opened the window and gave it to him.  
He took it and without spending another thought, put it to his lips. 

“Just this once, ok?”, she whispered and leant her back against his shoulder, her legs dangling over the higher edge of the sofa on its side.  
He didn’t see her face.

He breathed in.  
Even after all those years of not smoking at all, the familiar feeling of smoke filling his lungs and almost bringing tears to his eyes wasn’t something that he’d ever forgotten. He was still used to it.  
Those were cheap cigarettes. Lottie probably smoked once in a year or something. They tasted incredibly bad, nothing like the high-quality stuff he’d smoked back when he was still into it. It was enough.

“Look, Gil”, she began, her voice quiet and soft and right on the edge of whispering. He didn’t know if he’d ever heard her talking like this, if he’d ever heard her voice breaking away with every word she said.

“You’re more of a burden if you don’t talk about that stuff. Yes, you’re a complete disaster sometimes. Yes, sometimes I just want to slap you for being a huge idiot. But you’re incredibly kind. Charlie adores you. All of us love you, too. I’m not sure if Leo would still be here if it wasn’t for you. And it’s totally fine to feel down. After all of this was over, all of us were grieving and then suddenly, we were happy. And of course it wasn’t fake, but once you realize what really happened and what’s going to happen in the future, things get rough. When I lost Fang… look, I was in love with Fang at one point. A crush. More of a crush than love, really. But losing him really hurt. And it only really hit me a few months after everything was over. And for you, it took a few years. And that’s fine. People don’t get better in the course of a few months. Not if they’ve lived through something like that.”

She knocked her head back into his shoulder and reached her hand behind her, up to somewhere close to his face.  
He dragged at the cigarette once more, inhaling the sweet, sweet smoke, then handed it back to her. It was her cigarette, so she might as well finish smoking it.  
For a moment, she was quiet.

“And having nightmares is fine, too. Maybe they won’t ever stop, Gilbert. I don’t want to tell you to embrace them or some shit. Just accept them as a part of you. Don’t fight. You’re provoking them. The more you think about them, the more you'll lose your sanity. Every time I dream of my shit excuse of a father, I just tell myself that it’s over. That it was a dream. And that it’s ok to remember all of this, even if it hurts. Talk about it. With me or Leo or whoever. Just don’t bottle it up on the inside.”

This was the first time he’s heard her talking about her own past. 

“Sometimes you’ll feel better and sometimes you’ll feel worse. That’s how life is. And nightmares are undoubtedly shit. If you have one, you can just come to me. I don’t sleep too much anyways. Well… what I’m trying to say… you’re not alone in this. We’ve all gone through a lot. And we care about you. Being friends and family doesn’t only go into one direction, Gilbert. You do so much for us. Let us do something for you, too. You can wake me up when you don’t feel well. I’d rather have that than seeing you suffering on the floor at half past four in the morning. In front of Leo’s room.”

He almost laughed at that and let his head drop against hers. The position wasn’t comfortable. Especially not with her ponytail pressing into his cheek.  
But it felt good to be close to her. Even if she did know - _to hell with it._ Lottie liked him in one way or another and that was enough for him. He didn’t need more.

“Thanks, Lottie. You, too. I mean… if you ever want to talk, you can come to me. I’m here if you need me.”

She put her arm onto the back of the sofa, her other hand holding the cigarette in her lips.

“That’s ok by me”, she said, “just make sure to never be so miserable again, ok? It’s ok to feel depressed or sad or whatever. But you can rely on us, too. We’re here for you just like you’re here for us. Anything else you want to tell me for now?”

He could tell her that he loved her. But he wouldn’t. Not now. This right here was a moment he wouldn’t ruin. 

“No… well, yes.” And still, he ended up talking. “Whatever your father did to you, you didn’t deserve it. You’re a very nice person, Lottie. Except for when you poisoned Ada or held Oz hostage, maybe.”

Her laugh was clear, cutting through the last bits of the night before the sun came up again.  
He knew that if he turned to her now, he would see a smile on her face.

“Well, you’re nice, too. If you’re not currently trying to make anything with oatmeal. Even Charlie’s better at that than you are.”

Yeah, oatmeal pancakes was something he wouldn’t ever try again.

“Ok, ok, I got the message. I have to improve my cooking”, then, with a clearly sarcastic bite to it, “thanks for criticizing my cooking when I’ve just had a panic attack, Lottie. How considerate of you.”

She didn’t do more than adjust her head so that it was lying on his shoulder, she pushed the remainders of the cigarette onto the small stone tablet which was originally supposed to be a tablet for a candle.

“Thanks, Gil. For everything you’ve done for us. Thanks. Just let us help you, ok?”

“Fine. You make oatmeal pancakes then.”


	17. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heyo, it's me. yeah, so this is a shorter chapter again but it's more of like..... a tease chapter for the next :') which will probably take longer because I have three oneshots to write first so fsajfghadjkfgh sorry if it takes some time.  
Also school is starting again for me next week (only 3 days per week, but still more than no school at all, haha)
> 
> Please stay safe!!!!! And enjoy!

> Like a shooting star, flying across the room, so fast so far.

### 

Chapter 16

### 

> I'll never forget you.

“Gil, Vincent is back!”

Gilbert wasn’t entirely sure whether those were the words he wanted to hear after that hell of a night he’d had. It was five in the evening and he had been up for more than twelve hours by now, Lottie seemed equally as tired as him.  
Up until now, the mood between them had been rather… _weird_. Actually, they hadn’t talked to each other at all. Gilbert was indeed slightly embarrassed at everything he had said and how he had acted and now, he was really convinced that she knew about how he loved her.  
So, he had avoided talking to her because he could not deal with that. Everything was just awkward now. He had made lunch together with Doug and Charlie while Lottie and Leo had been out shopping and Leo returned, done with his life and giving Gilbert a very, very tired glance.  
That just confirmed his theory and also made him question why Lottie had talked to Leo about all of that.  
Of course, he wasn’t sure what exactly they had talked about and he was way too anxious to ask.

With a sigh, he turned towards the door and looked at his brother standing in it, a sheepish grin stuck to his face.

Something was different.  
And as obvious as it was, it took Gilbert a few seconds to actively realize what had changed about him.

“You cut your hair!”, he exclaimed, feeling a smile come to his face despite all of his exhaustion.  
It was shorter, only reaching his chin now. It was a pretty clean cut but considering Vincent’s… _obsession_ with scissors which he’d had for almost his whole life, it seemed logical that he would be able to cut his own hair that well.

“Yeah, I thought… it would be a nice change of things for once. A bit like cutting off the past, huh?”

Gilbert wished he could do that with something as easy as a haircut. But well, it probably wasn’t. Vincent dealt with it in other ways than he did and that was ok.  
Ok, Gilbert’s way of dealing with it maybe wasn’t the best – running around in the morning in a mansion and then eventually sharing a cigarette with… the love of his life.  
His coping mechanisms were slightly more disastrous than cutting his hair. On top of that, shorter hair wouldn’t even suit him.

“It looks good”, he said, and Charlie ran up to Vincent, clinging to the hem of his tailcoat. Gilbert had no idea how a kid was able to get so attached to this… creep.  
He loved his brother, he really did. But sometimes it did get rather hard to get along with him and not freak out at everything he said.  
Charlie however seemed to have taken a liking to him – a genuine one. And that whole thing was reciprocated, too.  
Vincent put his hand into her hair almost gently and patted her head, then crouched down next to her to be at her height, so that she didn’t feel small.

“Charlie?”, he asked reaching into his pockets and pulling out three dark red tickets, then he glanced up at Gilbert for a moment.  
“Want to go to an opera with Gil and me today? I’ve bought tickets because I was terribly bored and still had some leftover money from my last trip and I thought you might like that.”

The only reason Gilbert would agree to that was Charlie. And she wanted to go. Her body tensed and her eyes practically sparkled at the thought of going to something that fancy. Well, she had a dress good enough for occasions like that.  
Normally, he would have objected because of how tired he was, but how would he pull off saying ‘no’ to her? 

“Gil, please, can we please go?”, she begged and ran over to him, hugging his waist and looking up at him, her eyes pleading and so eager to go-

“Yes.”

It would be his death and he would either fall asleep or be tired for the next day, too.  
He had really just signed the contract to his own doom, hadn’t he?

It was eight now, Gilbert was seated right next to his brother, Charlie at Vincent’s other side. The woman and the man on stage where singing, but his mind wandered off to this terrible night again.  
Part of him wanted to ask Vincent whether he still had nightmares about their past, but a short look at his eyes proved it.  
No matter how much Vincent tried to hide them, the dark circles were still there and despite the generally happier look on his face, he still seemed incredibly tired.   
Getting sleep wasn’t exactly the easiest thing when the night had held so much darkness for them that they had slowly suffocated in it.  
_For years_.

Charlie was having the time of her life, apparently, so it was fine for him. In two more hours, he would return home and go to his bed, get a good night of sleep and be in a better shape the next morning.

He slumped back into his seat and crossed his arms, desperately trying to keep his eyes open. The only thing keeping him awake were the two people on stage singing so loudly that his ears almost hurt.  
If he wasn’t a damned Baskerville, he could have said that he was getting old, but his body wouldn’t really be old, so not even that was a possibility for him.  
He was just sensitive to loud noise, especially after the Tragedy of Sablier and all its horrors, its screams and its blood and its death.

“Gil?”, Vincent whispered, leaning over to him; it irritated Gilbert a little that his hair didn’t end up tickling his neck. It suited him, but it was still weird to look at. He wasn’t used to it – the last time he had seen Vincent with short hair was shortly after he became a Nightray and that had been about fifteen years ago.

“Hm?”

Vincent glanced at Charlie, making sure that she wasn’t paying attention to them.

“How’s it going with Lottie?”

For a moment, Gilbert considered to freak out at that, but his body felt too weak for even that. And he was surrounded by people – fighting his brother in public once had already been more than enough, a second time was not necessary.

“How’s it supposed to be going? I won’t say anything, Vince. It’s not my place to do so.”

His brother rolled his eyes, then his finger slightly touched the emerald green earring. He started playing with it unconsciously.

“Right. I thought you might say that. You really ought to have more self-confidence, Gilbert. You could confess. No in fact, you should.”

“She knows anyways!”, he hissed as a response, “I swear, Vincent, she knows it because I’m obvious as hell. I don’t need to tell her. I’ve practically got my answer. _None_. And that’s a no.”

Vincent let out the softest of moans and put his forehead onto Gilbert’s shoulder, just to raise it up when he felt Gilbert go stiff. He had still not completely gotten over their differences. It needed its time and that was ok. Vincent shook his head apologetically, then nudged his shoulder instead.

“It’s not. Maybe she’s waiting for you to make a move, Gil. Believe me, I didn’t think Lottie would be that shy over it, but maybe she’s just a little insecure, too.”

“Surely not as much as me, so I don’t see why I have to do it. And she doesn’t like me back, don’t you understand that?”

“I can’t see how anyone _couldn’t_ like you, Gil!”

Charlie was looking at him, totally meaning every word of it. Her gaze was earnest, red eyes fixated on him, a slight smile stuck to her lips.

“I think you should confess to her! Then you can actually get married! I’ve never been to a marriage before! I can be your flower girl!”

A small chuckle escaped Vincent’s throat, he obviously tried to keep himself quiet, but he didn’t succeed. Gilbert felt every eye in the opera being directed at his brother and him and Charlie as Vincent broke out into laughter.  
He’s never heard him laugh like that before – it was totally free of all negative emotion, of all depression and anxiety and for a moment, Gilbert let himself fall into that laughter.  
Yes, they were recovering.   
Slowly, but gradually.

Vincent let go of his earring, putting his hand over his mouth to stifle himself, but that barely did anything either. There were tears in his eyes, in the golden one _and_ in the red one.  
For the first time in forever, Vincent seemed almost carefree.  
And all he had needed was a kid who roughly went through the same but who ended up being incredibly kind-hearted and sweet.

The people on the stage carried on as normal and after a while, Vincent eventually calmed down.  
Gilbert wasn’t ashamed of him despite having been watched by hundreds of people at once. 

“Yeah. I totally agree with her, Gilbert. You gotta invite me to your marriage. Who’s going to be your best man? Leo? Doug? Me? Rough choice, all three of us are jerks.”

And now, the heat was back on his cheeks, Charlie giggled and put her legs onto Vincent’s in order to be closer to both of them. Around them, people were trying to hush them, but Gilbert couldn’t care less.  
Fooling around with his brother and his… child felt liberating. He wouldn’t ever have thought that they’d end up doing this.

“No, thank you. If anything, I’d ask Reim. I wouldn’t exactly want you doing some kind of speech or something. Reciting our happy moments together. Such as, you know, lying to me to years and fighting me in public while aiming a damned gun at me.”

Charlie looked a little confused at that, but apparently decided to not question it. Vincent put his hand into her hair again and after a while of laughing, he undid the ribbons in it that Lottie had made and started braiding her hair again. His fingers combed through it gently, just taking three strands and then intertwining them slowly.

“I suppose I did. Sorry for that, Gil.”

Everything about that picture was new to him.  
Vincent had short hair now. His earrings matched the colour of someone’s eyes, someone who had forgiven him everything. His eyes didn’t show all this hatred anymore, but a softness behind all those layers of golden and blood red. There was a girl sitting on his lap with two eyes of the same colour and he was braiding her brown hair, a red ribbon dangling from his little finger that was spread apart from the rest of his hand to not have it getting into his way. 

“Anyways”, Charlie started again, her voice lowered to not disturb the other guests more, “I’m serious, Gil. Nobody dislikes you. I can’t even see how that would be possible!”

“Oh, I do know some people who scolded our Gilbert for quite a while”, Vincent interfered, “his best friend’s sister, for example. Some other stupid people in our family. Elliot, mostly. Honestly, Gilbert, why did you wear a school uniform at your age?”

Gilbert almost head-butted his brother for that. Vincent was a jerk, but this fooling around was new to them and it almost felt as if they were kids again.  
But they weren’t the same.  
Jack and Oswald weren’t with them anymore.   
They had grown, in different ways and yet, still collided with each other but also united in so many aspects of their lives.

He couldn’t help but smile.

“A school… uniform?”, Charlie asked, raising an eyebrow and really, why was everyone so set on shaming him? Not only today, but throughout his whole life. Damn, he was aware that he was a coward and had done stupid things, but it wasn’t necessary to mention them every single day of his life.  
Couldn’t he ever have a moment of peace?

“I’ll… explain that to you one day, but not now”, he said and Vincent was still occupied with laughing and annoying everyone around them. It was a miracle that they hadn’t gotten kicked out yet, really.

“Fine”, Vincent said, stroking away a tear that left his eye, then he tied the ribbon into Charlie’s hair again, the braid reached way past her shoulders by now. Gilbert wasn’t sure how long she was going to grow it out. 

“Ok, ok, Gilbert. Now, in all seriousness. Confess to Lottie. It’s like, one sentence. I believe in you. You’ve spoken your mind before, often enough, you screamed at me so often towards the end, Gil! I’m sure you can manage to tell Lottie about this.”

If Charlie wasn’t with them, this conversation wouldn’t be half as awkward.  
Especially when she put on a devilish grin, he lost it. Had she learned that from Lottie? Leo? Vincent even? All three of them together? Yeah, that was probably the case.

“Gil, if you don’t tell her, I guess I’ll have to do it.”

Part of him thought that he should have died back then when Cheshire Cat threw him off the balcony. Or when Jack stabbed him. Then he wouldn’t have to deal with a little child bullying him into confessing to the love of his life.

He brushed strands of his own hair away, then sank back into the chair, defeated. He wouldn’t win this argument with logical reasoning and he knew that. Not that he had any logical points, anyways. He’d confess to her, get his heart broken once and for all, it’d take him years to get over it, he wouldn’t ever be able to talk to Lottie normally anymore.  
What a _great_ future that was ahead of him, really. 

Vincent pat Charlie’s shoulder approvingly, nodding. “I’m very glad that you have joined our club of Gilbert bullies. Welcome.”

Feeling his eyebrow twitch, Gilbert turned to them, looking Vincent in the eyes, then Charlie, then breaking the eye contact again and instead directing his gaze at the floor.  
His cheeks were flushed red and he was too tired for all of this.  
Way too tired.

At least he’d know for sure then. When the hope was gone, he would be able to get over it somehow.

“Fine. _Fine_, ok, I’ll do it. When we return. I promise. Now leave me alone. I’ve got to emotionally prepare myself for this.”


	18. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I HAVE WAITED SO LONG TO WRITE THIS, SHIIIIT. So yeah. Here you go.  
Enjoy.
> 
> Also I only have one chapter and the epilogue left and,,,,,, shit hurts, man. shit hurts.

> You were gone too soon  
You're a part of me

### 

Chapter 17

### 

> Never.

The toothbrush was still in Charlie’s mouth when she glanced up at Gilbert who was adjusting his hair in front of the mirror. To absolutely no avail.  
It was a mess – all the laughing in the opera and then all the nervousness and anxiety that had stirred up inside of him more and more for the entire ride home had destroyed it.  
Vincent and Charlie had tried giving him emotional support, telling him that everything would be fine; yet, Gilbert believed none of it.   
Lottie would reject him and that was more than obvious. 

“You can do it”, she gurgled, hitting his stomach with her elbow to emphasize her point.

Gilbert furrowed his eyebrows in despair. It felt as if his heart was missing every second beat, his palms were sweaty, his hands were tingling and his throat felt dry. Actually, there was the possibility of him not being able to do it – maybe he would end up being sick because of this. Or he’d straight up faint.

Charlie finished brushing her teeth and cleaned her face. 

Maybe he shouldn’t try after all. Maybe he should let Charlie or Vincent do it. Lottie would call him a coward or something of the like, but as long as he didn’t have to do it, he would be fine, right? He would still have to listen to Lottie’s answer, so this wasn’t a possibility either.  
He took a deep breath.  
So, he’d confess to Lottie. So far, it was fine. The decision was made, and he was still alive.  
He would go to her room and would still be alive.  
From then on? Nobody knew.

“Gil, hey, I meant what I said. Nobody can dislike you.”

For a moment, he thought that he would crush the sink with his hand. Whatever he maybe had done right in this very wrong life of his, he surely as hell didn’t deserve that girl. She was just… she loved him. As a _father_. And that was the first time he really noticed it, heard it in her voice, saw the admiration for him in her eyes.

“No, I-“

“Stop talking and go to her. You will promise me that you will tell Lottie what you feel for her, ok? Gil, I swear. I can’t see how she couldn’t like you back. Otherwise, I’ll do it and I mean it. Or Vincent.”

That didn’t exactly help the tears that were flooding Gilbert’s eyes already, but he supposed that it was fine. There was no way he would confess to Lottie without crying.

“F-fine. Look, I’ll do it. For you. Because you’re incredibly important to me, ok? I just want you to know that things could get awkward or something-“

She shot him a glare and then took both of his hands into her small ones, one of her nails painted red by Lottie just for this evening.

“Who’s the adult now? Me or you?”

Despite the absurdity of the situation, Gilbert had to laugh and raise her up a little, take her into his arm for just a moment.  
She had grown. Not physically, but emotionally.  
He still remembered the first time he had held her, her tiny body so skinny and frail, close to a breaking point. His doubts about taking her in had been stupid; this girl would have died without him, he would have never gotten to see her cheeky smile, he would have been responsible for yet another death.  
She truly had been his salvation. Still was.

“Fine, you’re sixty years old, Charlie, I got it, I’m a four years old kid who has to talk to his scary uncle for the first time in his life.”

The chuckle that escaped her throat was soft when she pressed her face against his chest, clinging to him so that she wouldn’t fall down; one arm wasn’t too safe to hold a child in.

“Now come on, Vincent isn’t all that scary! And neither is Leo!”, she exclaimed, slowly sinking to the floor again, “so, not scary uncles. Weird uncles. Because they both are very weird, at least.”

She was his family.  
Just like Vincent, just like Oz, just like Alice. A smile crept to his face without him noticing – he only realized it when his cheeks nearly began hurting.

“You’ve become a rather cheeky girl, haven’t you?”

As much as Charlie’s support had helped in the moment itself, now, it barely showed its effect anymore. He was back to panicking but he was also in front of Lottie’s door and his hand technically was raised to knock on the wood.  
It was fine.  
Those were just a few words he needed to say, just a few sounds he would have to press out of his throat that would ultimately seal his doom.  
Fine, just a short knock he could-

He moved his hand more and knocked on the door, very weakly, but he had succeeded. The first step was over.

It took quite a few seconds until he heard steps and eventually, the door opened.  
Lottie stared at him, wearing a loose shirt and his pants. Her hair was open, though. To think that all this… chaos sort of started with her wearing her hair in a ponytail around him…

“It’s nearly midnight and I just wanted to go to sleep. What are you doing here? You didn’t exactly get much sleep yesterday-“

“Uhm…”

“Hm?”

Gilbert opened his mouth again, but no sound came out. The growing heat in his cheeks didn’t make any of that better; he felt terribly ashamed for so much as thinking that he could confess to Lottie.  
Not when she was that beautiful and right in front of him and so definitely not something he would ever deserve.

“You want to come in?”, she asked, already holding the door open for him. 

He took her up on the offer and slowly walked into her room, or well, the lion’s den, in that case. His knees were wobbly, and his legs almost gave in when Lottie stared at him in confusion.

“Gil, you look tired, I really think you should go to sleep. Are you running a fever?”

Did he look that done with life? 

“No, I’m not, just- ah, I can’t do this.”

Sitting down on Lottie’s bed maybe wasn’t the best decision he had made, but he also didn’t particularly want to faint. Vincent, Leo and Charlie would laugh at him for years if that happened.  
Lottie chuckled a little and let herself drop onto the bed, too. Right next to him. Their thighs were touching, and it was just making everything more difficult for him.   
She knew. After Leo’s disappointed glance at him in the morning, he was fairly convinced of it.

“Gilbert, seriously, whatever you’re trying to say, spit it out. I’m worried and very, very tired.”

As if to emphasize that, she yawned and stretched, dropping her arm onto his shoulder right after.   
That slightly harder touch somehow awakened him from the weird dizziness the panic had brought over him.   
Now that his mind seemed to be working a bit better and the weird but distracting stillness had gone, he started trembling.  
His tensed muscles decided to loosen up and he was shivering as if he really did have a fever and it was the most embarrassing thing to ever happen.

“Look, Lottie, I’m sorry”, he stumbled over nearly every word, his tongue not moving as he wanted it to, “I’m having a bit of a hard time here.”

A short and high laugh left her throat and on top of all the touching, she put her head onto his shoulder slowly. He would have liked to think that he was used to that by now, but he definitely was not.   
It still sent shocks through him that felt almost like electricity. Almost as if he was forming a contract again.

“I can see that.”

In the following minutes, Gilbert opened and closed his mouth a few times, attempting to just say it and get it over with, but his lungs either wouldn’t have enough air to do so or his throat refused to make a sound.  
He hated it.  
He considered this maybe being one of those nightmares where you couldn’t say something, where your dark thoughts consumed you and no matter what you would do, they wouldn’t even let you scream for help, but it wasn’t.  
This was reality.

“You know”, she started, her voice trailing off, she turned her gaze to the window, “if I didn’t know better, I’d almost think you’re trying to confess to me or something… like that.”

Gilbert flinched at that, his hand sort of shooting up and then sinking down again.  
Ok. That was probably the point where he should admit it, huh? He couldn’t lie to her, that much he knew. And now it would be… somewhat easy, right? He didn’t need to outright say it – hinting it would be more than enough. 

He swallowed; Lottie didn’t move but simply let out a huff of air.  
He wondered if she was able to feel his heartbeat.  
It was ok, he could do it. _Just a few words_.  
He sucked in another shaky breath in a desperate attempt to not sound too husky or to have his voice break apart.

“What if…”, he felt as if he had just ran a marathon, as if he was completely out of breath, “what if that… what if that was the case?”

The words hung in the air and he regretted them almost immediately. They were heavy, having made clear what his feelings for her really were, having destroyed everything they previously had-  
Lottie backed off, her expression unreadable for a moment and still, Gilbert couldn’t help but smile awkwardly, his fingertips shaking when he slowly reached out for a strand of Lottie’s hair for whatever goddamn reason.  
That was what made her react.  
In an instant, there was a full-on blush on her cheek, reaching from her ears to her nose and her eyes shot up to his, then down to her own legs.  
He was still holding that strand of her soft hair between his fingers and when he noticed that this was stupid, he let it go, it dropped back to her collarbone where it had rested before.

“What?”, she stuttered, awkwardly placing her hands on her legs.

Maybe… there was indeed hope? Maybe she _did_ like him back after all?  
No, that wouldn’t make sense. She was just embarrassed by what he had said and done and when he realized that this was utterly hopeless, he put his hand to his forehead and hid his eyes.  
That way, he wouldn’t see the world anymore. Or her. Or her reactions or her damned beautiful eyes.

“…Gil?”

Her voice was quiet and just as shaky as his.  
The next thing he felt were fingers on his own, slowly dragging his hand away from his face and then taking his hand.  
Her hand was small in his. It was… weird, to say the least. It was also slightly colder than his own and also less sweaty.

“Do you mean that?”, she stammered, a little more high-pitched than usual, “I mean- you don’t mean that, _do you_?”

That shyness was a side that he’d never seen on her before and it only made him look at her despite his previous actions; her cheeks were tinted in the most adorable pink, matching her hair and her eyes and she was clutching onto his hand as if she wanted to keep yourself close to him.  
After a few more seconds of mental preparation, he eventually grasped back. 

“Well- I…”, words were incredibly hard to form right now, but she was just so cute, “I mean… I wouldn’t have said that if I didn’t. I thought you knew.”

Finally, she looked at him too and a slight grin appeared on her face that made her a thousand times more beautiful.  
God, Gilbert was so glad that no one could read his thoughts.

“I did have my suspicions, but Leo and Vincent didn’t exactly tell me anything no matter how much I asked.”

“They didn’t?”, Gilbert exclaimed, practically having forgotten that he still didn’t have a proper answer, “I was so convinced they’d told you already! I mean- they kept teasing me and making weird comments and overall, just… Vincent and Charlie pressured me into this…!”

He moaned in despair at how he had ended up telling her about that. He hadn’t wanted her to know that he had been an absolute coward and hadn’t had any courage whatsoever.  
Until he had been threatened.

“They… they did what?”, she asked and a quiet chuckle bubbled up in her throat, building and building until she was laughing and pressing her forehead against his chest, her free hand snaking around his back and holding onto him.  
The vibrations of her laughter felt almost calming and for once, he did wish that he still had his other hand to put it onto her back.  
Maybe her gestures were enough of an answer.  
She didn’t hate him. She didn’t try to throw him out.  
Instead, she tried to get closer to him.

“Well, they told me that if I don’t do it, they will. And I couldn’t exactly risk that, right?”

Lottie raised her head again and put her chin onto his shoulder instead. Her hand slid into his black hair and pushed it into her direction, until his chin was resting on her head.  
It was weird to be that close to her and he was still trembling, but at least he wasn’t the only one who was nervous.

“Nope, that would’ve been a disaster. Look, Gil… I was pretty sure about this at one point but- you never said anything… so… I sort of assumed that you didn’t like me back.”

_Like me back._  
The words repeated themselves over and over inside of his head until he fully understood them.  
_She liked him._

“You… what?”, he breathed out and the only answer was another chuckle.

“Look…”, she said after a while, “I’ve had bad experiences with… romance. Fang… well, we all know how that ended. And I mean- Ada didn’t go too well for you either, did she?”

He shook his head in her hair and the stupid grin on his face wasn’t going to go away anytime soon, that much he knew.  
She liked him back.  
Lottie liked him back and they were hugging.

“No. There was another girl I sort of liked once and she wanted to sacrifice me for her cult. So nope, no luck so far.”

Lottie drew back and stared at him, a smirk on her lips but that blush was also still there.  
She was so terribly beautiful.

“Wow, that surely is wild. So… yeah, I sort of… didn’t want to make you uncomfortable. So, I didn’t try to act on it, you know? And well… knowing you, I should’ve known you weren’t exactly going to go for it either…”

His cheeks were hurting from all this smiling, really.  
Slowly, he let go of her hand so that he would be able to touch her somehow. _She liked him back_.   
And of course, he was still insecure about all of this. But this single information was more than enough to make him certain of what he had been wanting to do for months now.  
She placed her hand on his leg to have more stability and slightly leaned into the touch when his fingers came to a halt at her cheek.

“Gilbert?”

He loved it when she said his name. It felt familiar and new at the same time. She’s said her name lots of times, but he had never touched her cheek while she had done so.

“Hm?”

His heart was beating louder now as he slowly leant in, but a hand on his shoulder was pressing him away from her just a bit and if she had not spoken up, he would have retreated immediately.

“Have you even kissed before?”

If that wasn’t Lottie and she hadn’t just told him that she liked him back, he would have died of shame.

“Well, no but- “

“First kiss at twenty-nine it is, then.”

Before he could say anything else, she closed the distance between them, pressing her lips to his and for a moment, Gilbert thought that he would die.   
Lottie’s lips were soft, and he felt her hair tickling his face, her body slightly brushing up against his.  
His stomach was tingling and instinctively, he kissed back.  
He probably wasn’t good at it, but it didn’t really seem as if Lottie cared – not when pushed him closer with the hand in his hair, anyways.  
Maybe the kiss would never end, he thought, maybe he would actually die.  
Right after he thought that, she broke away.

Gilbert opened his eyes. He didn’t remember when he had closed them.

She was still flustered. The fingers in his hair were trembling, one of them was pulling on a strand of his hair until it almost hurt, but he didn’t care.  
She was just as nervous as him and that was ok. Actually, it just made the whole situation better and less awkward for Gilbert.  
He’d never have thought that Lottie was so shy – not after he’d heard some stories from some people that, well, he would have rather not heard.

“Was that ok?”, he asked, and his voice quivered so much that he immediately shut up. God, he was so stupid and so done with life and so tired.

“Don’t worry that much, Gil. Please. You’re… you’re, I mean…”, she was close enough that he felt her hasty breath ghosting over his skin, “I love you.”

He tilted her chin just a little and kissed her again.

Partly because he really wanted to, partly because he was overwhelmed and partly because he didn’t want her to see him starting to cry.  
It’d be enough if she discovered that _after_.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yea so.... this is the last chapter before the epilogue.  
Epilogue will probably have rather long chapter notes in the beginning because I'll be all emotional, haha.
> 
> Yeah, Gilbert sort of  
Snaps.
> 
> I was very angry when I was writing that ok, I'll admit that, I do hate myself a little.

> And I'll never be the same here  
Without you.

### 

Chapter 18

### 

> Thank you for everything, <strike>Gilbert</strike> Dad.

It had been more than two months.

At first, him and Lottie had been somewhat awkward. They hadn’t exactly told anyone that they were a couple now but judging by Leo’s relieved sigh when he had seen them together in the kitchen the morning after, everybody knew it.  
Slowly, they had gotten somewhat used to their new relationship and now that Gilbert was walking alongside them, Charlie’s hand in his own and Lottie holding her other hand, he thought that this was a good way to spend the following ninety-five years. This was his little family – his little family that Oz and Alice would probably never get to meet.  
He’d have enough time to tell them, still.  
And death was about the last thing on his mind right now, anyways.

“There are fresh apples! Gil, can we please buy one?”, Charlie asked, already pulling him and Lottie into the direction. Leo and Doug stopped in their tracks.

“It’s fine, we’ll just wait here for a moment”, Leo laughed, a slight smile stuck to his lips, he raised his hand and waved.

Vincent hadn’t been the only one to cut his hair short.  
Just a few days after, Leo had pleaded Vincent to cut his own hair. Of course, it was still a mess – every time Leo combed it, he cringed at how many knots where in there, but the strands barely even reached his chin anymore, so he had much less to comb through.  
It suited him.  
Gilbert wondered what Elliot would have said if he had gotten to see his valet like this. Proper hair, proper clothes, a crooked bowtie, as always.  
Gilbert hadn’t ever seen Leo _without_ a crooked bowtie.

“We’ll be back in a minute”, Lottie said and together, they walked to the small market booth with apples and pears.

Lottie let go of Charlie’s hand to reach for the wallet in the small bag she was carrying around.

Gilbert looked at Lottie who was indeed his girlfriend. His girlfriend. God, he still couldn’t believe it. Her hair was up in a ponytail again. She was wearing a grey dress with pink embroidery and his heart almost began to hurt when he realized that she loved him.  
He had no idea how someone this beautiful was able to love him back.

“You’re staring again”, Charlie whispered, having pulled herself up by his suit a little so that he would be able to hear her.

He rolled his eyes in response but had to grin.

“I’m waiting for the day you fall in love, then we’ll talk about this again.”

That definitely brought a pout to her face and she immediately dropped the topic.  
Gilbert still didn’t want to imagine his own reaction when Charlie got her first boyfriend. Or girlfriend. Not that it mattered – Leo had surely as hell taught him that, at least.

“Here you go”, Lottie gave her a single coin and Charlie was off to the booth, exchanging the coin for an apple.

“She’s grown up so much”, Lottie sighed, shooting a smile her way, then taking Gilbert’s hand.

In public, they didn’t always do this. Most of the time it was because Charlie was with them, so Gilbert’s hand was preoccupied with trying not to lose her, other times it was because they simply weren’t used to doing so.  
It was weird that life had gone so well for him in the past year. Almost unrealistic.  
After all the suffering they had gone through, all the pain and injuries and deaths, he still couldn’t believe that he deserved all that.  
Lottie was his girlfriend and Charlie was pretty much his daughter, Leo was in a better state than he had ever been.

“I’m back”, Charlie announced her return, biting into her apple, then grabbing the sleeve that was hanging off Gilbert’s shoulder loosely, “it’s a really good apple.”

She still wore her hair in braids, red ribbons holding the strands together, although she had a new dress now because she had grown out of the old one rather quickly.  
It wouldn’t take long anymore, and she would be an adult, just like him. Maybe she would stay, maybe she would leave and find her own path.  
She wasn’t obligated to stay, after all.  
Neither was Gilbert, even though he was a Baskerville. He had burnt off the oath.  
He had burnt off everything related to his past, he was still trying to burn the nightmares, too.  
Maybe they would never leave.

“Let’s go back then, shall we?”, Lottie asked and yawned, stretching one of her arms, her other hand slowly intertwining with Gilbert’s.

Charlie nodded, biting into the apple another time, and walking on.  
After a few steps, however, she stopped mid-track, nearly frozen in place. Her shoulders tensed, her body went rigid, Gilbert saw a shiver going right through her body.  
In less than a second, he had let go of Lottie’s hand and walked over to her, kneeling right beside her.  
Sometimes, she would be reminded of her past and everything that had happened to her and just freeze until he would slowly talk her out of it – but that wasn’t the case.  
She wasn’t mumbling anything, her gaze wasn’t wandering off into the distance, it was fixated on someone.

Gilbert looked up.

Right in front of him, there was an older couple – an old Lady, maybe about sixty or seventy years old, hair tied up into a tight bun, wearing a rather simple dress, and an old man in a dark brown suit and leather shoes.

He felt a tug at his sleeve, Charlie’s fingers clawing at the black cloth, her lip was starting to tremble harder than he’d ever seen it tremble.

“Charlie?”, he whispered quietly, Lottie caught up to them and right this moment, the woman in front of them spoke up.

“So that’s you after all, hm, Charlene?”

The woman’s voice was disgustingly sweet and that was when it hit Gilbert who this was.  
Judging by Charlie’s reaction – a flinch and a whimper – he was right.  
He pulled her closer to him, pressing her face against his waist just slightly, so that she didn’t have to look anymore.

“Who are you, if I may ask?”, Lottie asked, her voice having gone completely cold and empty, “how do you know our child?”

Gilbert blinked.  
It was a bad moment to realize his love for both Lottie and Charlie, but he cherished both of them so much.

“_Your_ child? I beg your pardon? She’s our grandchild and certainly not related to you.”

Gilbert physically felt himself get angry. His blood was boiling, his hands started to sweat and his finger in Charlie’s hair twitched. He opened his mouth, raising his slightly shaking voice when Lottie stepped in front of them, her arms slightly stretched out in a gesture of protection.  
Charlie held onto him with both hands now.  
He would protect her with everything he had. He wouldn’t let them hurt her. He’d let Lottie handle this first. If needed, he would immediately get away with Charlie.

“I assume, or well, you’ve just confirmed, you guys are the ones who kicked her out”, she stated in a matter of fact voice.

Gilbert admired her for staying calm, because he certainly wouldn’t be able to if he had to speak.

“We didn’t kick her out. She left of her own free will.”

That was the moment Lottie snapped.

“_Of her own free will_? She was eight! So even if she did run away, it wasn’t of her own free will, you disgusting pieces of-“, she stopped herself, remembering Charlie was hearing every word she said, “you abused her. God, I don’t even know about everything you’ve done, but I know fully well how a child acts when they’ve been hurt by someone they love, in whatever way.”

The woman looked down on Lottie, one grey strand of hair falling out of the bun and coming to a halt at her cheek. 

“Oh, what would aristocrat lady like you know about anything related to pain? The kid surely got itself some wealthy new parents.”

Gilbert covered her ear when she began shaking violently. He had to get her out of here. He really had to get her out of here.

_‘Itself’._

They didn’t even see her as a person.  
The girl he’d learned to love like a daughter wasn’t even a human being to them.  
He was supposed to stay calm for her. He wouldn’t get involved for her sake.  
He took a step back, together with her, and bumped into someone in the process.

“Gilbert?”

Leo’s voice. The young man had stumbled back a few steps, staring at him, then at Charlie, then at her grandparents and Lottie who was clearly searching for words for how wrong all of this was.  
His gaze grew darker, his lips became a tight line and he brushed a hand through Charlie’s hair exactly once, then stepped up next to Lottie.  
Which was exactly the moment she did find words.

“She’s a human being and she would have died if we hadn’t taken her in. Do you think she cared about wealth when she was dying in the streets-“

“Stop it, Lottie”, Leo interrupted her, “those people won’t listen, no matter what you say. I’ve dealt with enough people who hated me. Elliot’s family was rather nasty, you know? Nothing you say will get through to them. I totally agree that they’re scum, but I think we should better leave and just forget about their entire existence.”

He readjusted his bowtie, knuckles white. Gilbert had no idea how he was managing to hide his rage like that.

The man walked over to them, coming to a halt right in front of Lottie, then grabbing her arm and yanking her to the side, making his way up to Gilbert.  
His mouth and throat went completely dry and out of a reflex, he pressed Charlie closer to him, but she struggled out of his grasp and looked at him, red eyes glinting, nearly burning with a hate Gilbert hadn’t ever seen in them.  
The old man looked directly into his eyes and Gilbert requited it, staring as coldly as he somewhat could.  
He wanted to make sure that this guy knew he wouldn’t hesitate a single second to call his chain if he so much as dared to make more advances towards her.

“Why would you rather decent looking people take in a child of misfortune, anyways?”

Gilbert pressed Charlie closer to him again, her shoulder brushing his waist now, he didn’t cover her ears or her eyes.

He hadn’t meant to do that, but his anger almost knocked him out for a second and the next thing he knew was that there were black feathers around them, the man looked at him in confusion and Gilbert realized that there was a spark of fire right in front of him.  
Shit, he really shouldn’t have used Raven’s power in the city, even though he had quickly regained control of himself. It was dangerous.

Lottie, rubbing her arm, met his gaze.  
He really did try keeping his mouth shut. But there wasn’t anything that could keep him from doing so anymore.

“Are you living in the last century?”, he shouted, his voice was shaking, and he sounded incredibly weak, but he also couldn’t be bothered to care about that, “she’s just a child! She hasn’t done anything wrong in her entire life! Everything she wanted and needed was a home. Someone who loves her. Just because she has a special link to the Abyss, it doesn’t mean that she’s evil! Actually, the Abyss is a pretty beautiful place and I surely as hell hope that you never get to see it and never enter this world again in a hundred years.”

The man Gilbert already hated as much as Jack Vessalius opened his mouth, but he cut him off.

“You wouldn’t know. Nobody with a dirty heart like yours could ever even _dream_ about experiencing what love really feels like. If I wasn’t in public right now, I’d most probably do things I’d regret, so get out of my sight or I don’t know what happens-“

“Dad…”

It was a silent sob and he nearly hadn’t heard it.

“_Dad!_”

Now it was louder, her fingernails were digging into his suit, holding onto him so desperately that his heart nearly broke.

“Let’s just go. Those people aren’t worth talking to. Please, dad. I can’t stand them. Let’s just leave and go home and make dinner.”

Her words were blurring together with the tears spilling out of her eyes and she was nearly choking on every single one.  
No more questions asked, he would get her out of there.

“Ok”, Gilbert whispered, picking her up. She was holding onto him strongly enough for him to do so even with one arm.

She buried her face in his shoulder, her small hands on his back, her body shivering and small sobs breaking from her lips every now and then.  
Lottie, Leo and Doug were strong enough to get rid of them if they tried anything funny, so he walked off, not looking back at the woman and the man standing there anymore, just walked on and on and on until they were in some kind of alleyway.

Now that they were in a calmer place, Gilbert actually realized what she had just said and he placed her down onto the cobblestones, knelt down himself, then pulled her into the tightest hug possible.  
She had called him ‘dad’. For the first time ever. And he didn’t know what else to do than to start crying, his shoulders twitching and a smile on his lips that would probably never leave.

“It’s alright, Charlie. They’re not here anymore. You’re safe. You’re safe and you’re with us and all of us love you more than anything. Your eye colour couldn’t change that either. We love you.”

Gilbert heard steps behind him and from the sound of them, it was Lottie; Leo and Doug were probably following close behind.

“Man”, she sighed, kneeling down next to them, one hand in Gilbert’s hair and the other on Charlie’s shoulder, “are you two ok?”

Gilbert still hadn’t really gotten over the fact that she had called him ‘dad’.

“I’m fine”, Charlie said, her eyes all red and puffy, “Dad protected me. I’m fine. I just want to go home. I want to forget those people. They don’t mean anything.”

Lottie nodded, smiling at the word and Gilbert sniffed. He was so incredibly emotional right now.

“But- they were right, you know? They didn’t kick me out. I left of my own will. Actually, I don’t really know what happened. I remember walking for days and days because something was pulling me.”

Gilbert’s head shot up and he looked at her.

“Did you see golden lights?”

He would die if that was the case.  
She was-

“Yes, I… I think I did. But maybe it was just a dream-”

“She’s a Baskerville, yes.”

Gilbert turned around to Leo and despite being a bit angry at Leo not speaking up about that, he felt more relieved that he wouldn’t have to watch her die at one point.  
Which was a very egoistical way of thinking, but that was just how he had always been.  
He would see Leo dying and Lottie dying and Sharon and Reim and Ada.  
Not her, too.

“I didn’t think it was my place to tell you”, Leo said, “sorry about that. I was just unsure of how to address the topic and I mean- I’ve talked to her about it, but I really just didn’t know how to talk about that. I thought that it was her job to tell you.”

Gilbert didn’t care a single bit, just smiled at her, putting his hand against her cheek, and brushing away one of the tears.

Her red eyes were beautiful, and no one would be able to convince him otherwise. His daughter was one of the kindest people he had ever met.

“It’s ok”, he said, Charlie cracked a smile, too, the corners of her mouth twitching upwards a bit, “I should’ve known that myself. Even if it wasn’t coincidence that I found you, I’m glad I stopped the carriage that day. I’m glad you taught me what it means to live. Thank you for everything, Charlie.”


	20. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here u go with the playlist I made for the fic over a year ago! It's basically all of the rather soft songs I like (which isn't a lot, I'm way too emo for that xD but they do exist!), so feel free to listen to it or something.
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLhUp-CvZ3KHFMxPOAgX0PV3s6PwxOFDhq

> You were gone too soon.  
Shine on, shine on.

### 

Epilogue

### 

> Lots of love, Charlene

Her fingers brushed the small silver cross next to the golden one.  
The name was still clearly visible in comparison to the other. She’s spent enough years of her childhood looking at it, though. She knows that the shaky letters that are covered in moss and dirt say ‘Lacie Baskerville’.

When she had celebrated her thirteenth birthday, her father had told her about everything that had happened.  
What the name in the grave meant.  
How that woman had had red eyes, just like her.

She put the white roses she had bought in front of the silver cross, placing them onto the grass neatly.

It wasn’t like anything was there.  
There had been no body to be buried – she had seen him resolve into ashes right in front of her and the two people he had loved the most.  
She had never talked to them before. Maybe it was because she had thought it was better to keep her distance, maybe because her father had just seemed so happy that they were back, maybe because she had to travel herself to find the next Glen.

White roses.  
‘Death of a loved one.’  
She almost had to laugh at the meaning, yet tears came to her eyes at how little they meant. ‘Loved one’ didn’t even begin to describe what he had been to her.  
His strong hand had held her every time she had cried. He had supported each and every single one of her decisions, even when they were obviously stupid, he had defended her over and over again when she had ended up in trouble.  
A tear dropped onto the white rose, slowly searching its way into the grass.

It was summer.  
The sun had been shining the day he died.

Losing someone never got easy – over years and years, she had learned that. She had seen most of her friends die because of the golden lights within her body, had seen the body of the man who had taught her how to play the piano fall apart, had seen her mother die and her father too, in the end.  
It didn’t get easier.  
Time didn’t heal the wounds.

With a sigh, she reached into her bag and pulled out the letter she had written for him.

Just then, there were steps to be heard, two pairs of them walking down the stairs made of stone, slowly coming towards her.  
It wasn’t hard to figure out who they were.  
She turned around, the sheet of paper in her hand, to face the boy with blonde hair and the girl with brown hair.  
They were young. Both just twenty years old.  
When she had been twenty, all that had been on her mind was studying and reading and fooling around with the few people her age she knew.  
When she had been twenty, she hadn’t yet lost her father.

The blonde boy waved, cracking a smile, but it seemed rather sad; she knew about how in his previous life, he hadn’t been able to smile sincerely until he had become one with the golden lights that were still inside of her.  
She wondered if all her friends were there. If Sharon and Reim and Lily and Ada were there.  
She knew for a fact that Vincent and her parents weren’t part of them. They were Baskervilles.  
The weren’t part of the cycle.

The girl just nodded her head, accepting her presence.

Taking care of those two was her part now – after avoiding them for nearly three years, that was her job. They had lost their best friend, so she was going to make sure they were going to be fine and not too grief-stricken to live their life.  
Even if it was full of hardships, full of situations she’d rather not think of, even if her childhood had been the most awful thing until he had taken her in – life was worth living.  
The few happy moments she had experienced more than made up for the bad.

“_Charlene_”, the boy said and in a matter of seconds, he was crying and grasping the girl’s hand.

She would protect both of them for as long as she would live, she would be at least something of a mother to them; pass on his legacy, his lessons, his kindness.  
She turned away for a moment, looked at the letter a last time, then put it onto his grave.

Charlene would live on for their sake – for his sake.

-

_Dear Gilbert,_

_It’s been a few years.  
I hope you can read this letter if I put it onto your grave.  
I miss you. Everyone does; me and your friends.  
We miss you for everything you’ve done for us.  
That you stayed strong while some of us couldn’t.  
That you stepped in for me and Lottie and for Oz and for Alice when we were weak.  
That you had so much love to give.  
It was that love that made me strong.  
Without you, I’d be nothing; I’d not be writing this.  
Sorry. I’m not good at writing letters. But you know this already, right?  
Remember when we bought flowers for their grave?  
I bought white roses. “Death of a loved one”.  
You’re so much more than just a “loved one”.  
I can’t even put it into words; just like a flower couldn’t properly express my feelings.  
You saved my life.  
I’ll never forget you.  
Never.  
Thank you for everything, <strike>Gilbert</strike> Dad. _

__

__

_ Lots of love,  
Charlene._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I totally didn't cry while writing this or something I surely as hell am not extremely emotional about finishing a longer fic especially when it's a Pandora Hearts one that I've put all my heart into. Of course not.  
How would you ever dare to think that hahahhahah ha ha ha ha... ha.... *sobs*
> 
> Yeah. I'm fine ajdfghadjkgh
> 
> Thanks to everyone who's stuck with me until here, thanks to everyone who was kind enough to leave kudos or even a comment and also thanks to anyone who might discover this fic in the future, you're cool!  
I don't know if I have people reading who don't comment, so if you do, just something short would be nice so I can thank you in person qwq can be a 'hello'. I don't mind.  
I just want to thank you adjfghajfg
> 
> Sorry I am emotional.
> 
> Thanks for sticking with me. This was mostly a random idea I had at one point when my brain was like "haha Gilbert but adopting a kid post canon" and the idea wouldn't let go, so I ended up planning an entire fic and I remember starting it just after finishing my Pandora hearts reread (and my next reread is about to start soon, ha, shit, I'll cry. I just hope they all went and lived their best life after canon.
> 
> Pandora Hearts will forever mean a lot to me and while I don't have any long fanfics planned (since I'm working on an original story), I do have oneshots up on my account and I'm certain I'll write more one day.
> 
> Thanks!!!!!!!!! I love all of you.


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